Classifying the Cosmetics

This is a classification essay I am writing for class. It is about the type of people who wear makeup.

Comedian Joel McHale once joked, “In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup.” Most likely receiving a few hardy laughs, his statement probably caused his audience to imagine muscular, horrendously unnerving women strutting around the cells with bright orange eyes and purple-stained lips. What they don’t realize is that to find someone whose appearance matched their visions, they need only to walk into a high school where a fresh group of girls are attempting to conquer the cosmetics. Many teenage girls wear makeup like baseball players wear caps, and, unlike those who keep their makeup light, countless girls entering high school and attempting to make a statement believe that the more maquillage they have on, the better they will look.

 

The Jersey Shores

“I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.” ~Cleveland Amory

 

The Jersey Shores tend to be the most natural of the makeup wearers, usually only applying foundation and a hint of eyeliner here and there, but don’t be fooled by their seemingly normal appearance. Upon closer examination of The Jersey Shores, one will noticed a seven shade difference between the face and throat. The Jersey Shores get their name from the popular show, “Jersey Shore.” On this MTV hit, the reality T.V. stars live for one purpose and one purpose only: worshiping tanning beds. The Jersey Shores idolize these orange stars and pay tribute by covering their faces in what looks like carrot pulp. Notice how I say face. Not body… Face.

The daily makeup routine of The Jersey Shores is simple. After applying foundation, she adds a second coat to cover any imperfections still peeking through, and then applies a third layer of foundation to camouflage the first two. Then, she spreads an additional three coats for no apparent reason. She finishes with a smidge of light eyeliner or mascara. When an orange face is visible bobbing around in a crowd, there can be no confusion a Jersey Shore is gracing everyone’s presence.

 

The Raccoons

“All the eyeliner in the world won’t make you anything more than a psycho stalker...”
~Peyton Sawyer

 

Like The Jersey Shores, The Raccoons focus on one type of makeup: eyeliner. Following in the footsteps of stars such as singer Avril Lavigne, The Raccoon uses approximately a half a pound of eyeliner a day. She loves the feel of the heavy, black gunk that surrounds her eyes an inch above and below them. Passerby’s keep their faces down upon seeing The Raccoons, frightened that their very souls will be sucked into the gargantuan black holes staring aimlessly into the abyss. The Raccoon refuses to cry with these eyes in fear she will create a black waterfall streaming down her face, ending in a puddle of what would look like black tar.

The Raccoon spends a great portion of her income on eyeliner since her morning routine requires around a stick a day. After she applies her foundation, The Raccoon firmly grasps her eyeliner and proceeds to apply it all the way up to the crease of her eye. She then lines the bottom portion of her eye, thrashing the liner around like a two-year old would a marker, in hope of getting that perfect, messy look. To finish, she covers her eyelashes in ten coats of mascara. If people cannot get past looking into the black, daunting eyes of a person, one can be sure that person is a Raccoon.

 

The Extremists

“It's all or nothing with my makeup. If I get dressed up, I'll go to an extreme. I'll wear foundation, bright blue or bright red lipstick with one of my weird purple wigs.” ~Angelina Jolie

 

Bold and bright features are the main focus of any Extremist. The Extremist wears one to two bold colors, usually putting them on the facial feature she believes to be her best. Not a single doubt can run through anyone’s mind that Christina Aguilera conformed to the ways of an Extremist at an early age. She has now perfected the look any Extremist hopes to perfect: Bright red lipstick with a chuck of eyeliner extending across each eye. Other Extremists may go, as the name indicates, more extreme. With a cosmetic color palette containing colors such as bright orange lipstick to fuchsia pink blush, The Extremist has no fear of making their face look like box a neon crayons. The Extremist believes she is making a statement with her crazy colors and bold features, but what she denies to realize is she is only making people laugh.

The makeup routine of The Extremist consists of three simple steps. First, she applies foundation. She then follows up with a bold feature such as bright pink lipstick or blueberry-blue eye shadow and lastly finishes with mascara. If someone flashes everyone with their extremely bright features, look for the Extremist sign hidden among their colors.

 

 

The Clowns

“She's not wearing makeup so her face just looks like skin.”  ~Chuck Palahniuk

 

A Clown is the most easily recognized out of all the cosmetic crazies. The Clown doesn’t believe in natural beauties and thinks she only looks her best when the full package of foundation, eye shadow, eyeliner, blush, mascara, lipstick, lip gloss and what ever else she carries around in her ten pound travel pack is on her face. When people see Clowns, they instantly lower their head, conceal their grins, and bite their lips to stifle the robust laugh that slowly begins to grow in their chest. The Clown lives in her own world where having blue eye shadow, light purple blush and red lipstick is okay, when, in reality, it looks as though a rainbow regurgitated it’s colors on her.

For a Clown, it takes more time in the morning to finish her makeup than the rest of her daily routine. To begin, the Clown applies foundation and then follows with eye shadow that extends a mile past her crease and ends right before it hits her brow. Next, she applies eyeliner and mascara, but it may not be black; green and pink are constantly used. Following the eyes, she moves to blush. Using the brightest red, pink or purple she can find, the Clown swabs her brush in the blush and sweeps it across her face over and over and over again. She finally ends with her lipstick and lip gloss. She picks out the color she wishes to “flaunt” for the day and spreads it over her lips. For anyone who takes over thirty-five minutes doing makeup, prepared to be labeled as a Clown.

 

            When girls are allowed to experiment with a new palette of makeup, many can easily get carried away. Where they were once natural beauties, they now weigh five more pounds because of all the makeup they have managed to amass on their faces. Throughout high school, one can only hope that these sassy superficials will tame their makeup ways. Until that day comes, hallways will never be tame with all the wild colors and bronzed beauties.

Author's Note

Help me on everything please!

Reviews

[Louvegrise14]

Haha, this was too funny, yet brilliantly written (I love that there was a Maybelline Baby Lips Electro balm ad next to this story while I was reading it). Although this was humorous and entertaining, I think it conveys a good point, and I agree on pretty much everything you said.

[J.M. Walsh]

I thought this was very well done. The joke from the comedian at the start set the scene and made way for the humour, and it was very entertaining humour -both serious and farcical and excellently conveyed. Yet, it did not detract from the moral of the piece.

The writing was cohesive and well written. It was well presented in small, digestible segments and made for easy and quick reading. Its a very good piece and I enjoyed reading it.

Yours,
Joe

[Sunflower 20]

haha, that was great! i really liked the way you described each catergory, the imagery was very clear and quite funny. i don't think you need to change anything as it seems perfect to me.
overall, great job and keep going! :)

[Short.Nerd]

My gosh that is so true. I for one wear zero make up. None at all. XD I find it pointless.

I've seen younger girls not older than 11 or 12 running around like the "Clowns" it's funny. THey think they look their best with a million pounds of make up on but they donn't.

Excellent write!:)

[...]

Good stuff! I agree with the pink dog thingy. It was good you opened with the comedian bit. It sets the mood for the rest of the essay.

On a serious note, I agree that there is a lot of overuse of makeup by people, especially girls. Don't they realize that girls were still desirable even before makeup was invented? I don't mind people who wear makeup as a form of expression, but you'd never see me with a girl who spent all her money on cosmetics, or treated makeup as a NEED. Makes me sad when I see that s**t...

Good stuff though!

[Sweets]

This is soo true!!!!!
I loved the raccoon thingy xD
soo funny =3
Such a wonderful essay =)
Great work!!!

[Ice-Fire]

Great work, when I wear makeup -which is not very often- I pull off the goth look... but I agree with the clown and raccoon, I know two people who fit into those categories D:

[(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞Emmett..]

LOLOLOL! The Raccoon sound the most awesome. 'Oh, stare into my black charcoal eyes... stare deeply.... and try not to get lost into the abyss.' >w<

I love the satire in this and your examples and quotes. Nice opening too, using a comedian and all. I agree, I find that most High School girls are wearing too much make-up than necessary, and famous stars such as Avril Lavigne or the Jersey Shore kind of set up a bad influence for make-up and tanning on younger kids.

However, make-up is not all that bad. At least it makes people laugh and gossip. People are going to say that make-up is their way of expressing themselves, as you mentioned in your essay, but really, you can express yourself without tanning or putting on ridiculous colors like orange and purple slapped on your face. At least Avril Lavigne pulls off the raccoon look (in my opinion).

To me, it sounds good. Just reread it and see if the essay flows easily and the sentences sound right. Nice job! ^w^

[Sylvana]

I really enjoyed this. It made me laugh, actually. I do see people wearing so much makeup that it looks, well, super bad. Truth is, I wear alot of black eyeliner, but not like a raccoon. eyeliner and mascara is all I wear. XD. I really think you did a fine job. (:

[Chris]

Parody, satire, truth, lies. Fantasy, fallacy, felicity, ferocity - it could all be true or not... the depths we as people will go to be unique or not - accepted or not - noticed... or not... are more real and just as varied, just as confused, just as needed - as the air we breathe.

Chris