Chapter 2 Mind Games Part II

Shelby has just figured out that her dream was a reality and mermaids do exist

I saw a small tail wiggle behind Heather then a small fish appeared. It was black besides its’ tail, fins and a few select scales which were pink and dark green. I snickered as it darted behind Heather to the next mermaid she had said was Urvashi. Urvashi was tranquil with a mysterious look to her. She had olive skin and long black hair and a green tail like the other two had but instead of the scales merging from green to purple like Heathers, they turned to blue. Her lips were pale and slightly opened and her dark red eyes were glaring at me.

 

I quickly snapped my eyes to the one named Andrea who seemed more calm than Urvashi, she even seemed shy. She kept her head down and her long blonde hair floated in strands around her face. At a second glance I could see a pair of bright purple eyes peeking through the hair staring at me. Her scales turned an orange color at her chest and looked magnificent on her.

 

“Hello,” Andrea said, finally lifting her head.

 

I opened my mouth to speak but all that came out was a small bubble from the last bit of air encased in my lungs. I looked at all three of them and the fish, wondering what would happen next when I noticed the marking I had seen at our first encounter. The blue markings wrapping themselves down each of their left arms were exactly alike and beautiful, it made me wonder where and how they got them.

 

“What, um… what are the markings from,” I stuttered out, not knowing anything else to say.

 

“They illustrates our commitment to the water and how we control it,” she explained to me, gracefully brushing her fingers across it and making it glow.

 

My eyes widened in astonishment as I watched it pulsating. I looked at Urvashi who had began to move towards me.

 

“We all have the ability to control the waters and this is the symbol to justify it,” Andrea snickered, as she moved her hand over it and made hers glow.

 

I sat in the mud, so mesmerized by the blue luminosity coming from there arms, that I failed to realize that Urvashi swam to the left side of me.

 

“Let me see your arm,” She demanded, glaring at me-- her eyes pulsating with red, “Let me see it now.”

 

“But why?” I asked, pushing myself farther into the side of the creek bed as her elongated body stretched towards me with each rap of her tail.

 

“Shelby do what she says! You don’t want to make her mad!” Andrea screamed at me, but when I looked at Urvashi again, I could tell it was too late.

 

Urvashi’s eyes had altered themselves into two great, swirling orbs of black. Her hands slowly levitated from her side, her hands dangling for the ligaments of her wrist, when they suddenly jerked. Her hair began to dance around her face and the water around her came alive. Then, slowly, underneath the palm of her hand, a sliver of ice formed. Subsequently, her right hand shot forward then upwards in my direction and I could feel water being pushed up my sleeve. My jacket’s sleeve puffed up from the water she had pushed forward then she chucked her hand towards my direction and the ice sliver followed.

 

Water flowed around my arm, keeping my sleeves open, as the sliver of ice sprung forward and sliced my sleeve all the way to my collar bone. Fear thrusts itself through my veins as I threw my body backwards trying to escape.

 

“What? Get away from me!” I screamed, grasping my exposed arm as I turned and shot off in the opposite direction of her.

 

Suddenly, the water began pushing me back in their direction. Shrieking, I thrashed my

arms. Water pulled my hair, my clothes, my limbs. It hurt while the water pulled my arms back and the harder I tried to swim forward, the more it hurt. I felt tears in my eyes mix with the now dirty water. Finally, I was back where I started; in the clutches of Urvashi.

She seized my arm tightly.

 

“Good,” she said, “You do not have the mark as we do.”

 

I looked at my clean, bare arm. Of course I didn’t have “the mark” they bore across their arms. I was Shelby, the human who had stumbled upon something new and potentially, dangerous. I didn’t have the ability to push water or form ice on the spot. They did though and, although it felt as though I could trust Heather, Urvashi seemed controlling, almost possessed at times and Andrea spoke curiosity through her eyes and wonder through her lips.

 

“You can leave now,” Urvashi said, turning her back on me and slowly, yet gracefully, swimming off in the opposite direction. She ushered the other two to follow her.

 

“Stay. Wait until we have left, I’ll be back,” A voice in my mind whispered.

 

I looked up to catch Andrea’s deep purple eyes peeking at me from behind her whisking bangs. Her lips curved up word into an almost devious smile as she turned her body away from me and swam away with the others.

 

I remained at the bottom of the creek. I was in shock, I was anxious, I was… scared. I knew the powers that Urvashi possessed had to be the same as Andrea’s, they were sisters. They were sisters. How come they looked nothing alike? The question skittered about in my mind a few times already but I hadn’t had time to thing about it then. Potentially, I could ask Andrea when she came but, I was debating whether or not I should leave. There was just… something about her. Something menacing and deceitful; it was almost as though she was observing me.

 

I swam to the surface. Emerging, wet, silky strands of hair caressed my skin and the warm rays of the sun danced across them. I heard the sounds of the rushing stream, the wind whispering through the trees… it was peaceful. Then, I noticed something clenched in my fist. I unraveled my fingers exposing a gray, smooth, beautiful stone. It was oval and just small enough to lay perfectly in my hand and be unseen when I closed it. I smirked at it and then swam over to the newly wet edge from the deteriorating frost. I hoisted myself on one elbow then flung myself out of the water onto the firm ground.

 

I sat there admiring the rock while my feet dangled in the water. I’d bring my feet out and watch the individual drips collide with the water and form ringlets pushing outwards. I leaned over and dropped the stone back into the water and watched it rock back and forth on its way back down into the abyss. It slowly faded until it left my sight.

I looked at the river; peaceful, quiet, serene. It made me want to gently close my eyes and drift off but there was a feeling in my stomach that made it so I couldn’t. Wondering why Andrea told me to wait, I stroked my newly formed gills. Knowing they were there scared me. Why did I have them? How did they get there? What was happening? Questions swarmed my mind like a hoard of mosquitoes.

 

“Just breathe,” I whispered to myself, closing my eyes, “Maybe this is just another dream and I’m at home sleeping in my bed. That’s it, this is all a dream and when I open my eyes, I’ll be staring at my ceiling in my bedroom.

 

I open my eyes and jumped. Andrea was in front of me leaning on one arm on the creeks edge smiling at me.

 

“Sorry I am not your ceiling,” she said sliding off the edge and pushing back into the water further.

 

“Oh, it’s okay. I just don’t feel like this is real. I mean, mermaids don’t exist and human’s don’t grow gills and breathe underwater. It’s not real,” I replied shrugging my shoulders.

 

“And that is where you are wrong,” Andrea murmured, “This is real and you are now our sister.”

 

I cocked my head. Sister?

 

“What do you mean?” I asked leaning towards her.

 

Suddenly, her eyes went from purple to yellow, making me jump in surprise.

 

“You will be… one of us,” she said as a smile spread across her face.

 

“Wait, one of you? You mean a--”

 

“Mermaid? Yes,” She said quickly, cutting me off, “You were in the wrong water at the wrong time.”

 

I stopped breathing. I tried to say something but nothing came out. What was there to say but why?

 

“I can’t be a mermaid though. I have friends and family on land… where you have to have feet to go on,” I remarked, signaling to my legs.

 

“You will learn to live without them as my sisters and I have,” she said, her eyes switching back to the purple.

 

“How are you guys sisters? You look nothing alike! And, how come I’m a mermaid and why do your eyes keep switching colors?” I yelled as I stood up, “This is just-- not real!”

 

I looked at the waters and my reflection and could imagine my hair flowing in the water and a tail attached to my waist. I began to think it might be fun but then I remembered Urvashi and the rage in her eyes, how it looked uncontrollable and I wondered if I would turn into that. I started walking down the side of the creek until I began sprinting away.

I looked back and saw Andrea staring at me but kept running till I was out of breath.

 

Slouching over I saw my reflection in the water. I bent down, panting, and stared,

grasping the side of my head in confusion. I looked at my reflection and noticed my neck was back to normal. Then, out of my reflection came Andrea’s head. I jumped and began to stand up again until she stopped me.

 

“Do not run, just listen. I have answers to all of your questions if you will only calmly ask them and listen,” she said staring directly into my eyes, forcing me to see her eyes that were a blank white all across, making me want to turn away.

 

“I have a question, why do your eyes go from purple to yellow to purple? And why are they white now? It’s scary,” I said, turning my face to look somewhere else.

 

I glanced back over and noticed her eyes were yellow again.

 

“It is quite simple. What mood would you say I am in right now?” she asked

 

“I guess happy. You’re smiling and stuff,” I remarked.

 

“My eyes are most likely yellow then. What about now?” She asked as she took in a deep breath and closed her eyes. When she opened them, they were tearing up and her face was overcome with sadness.

 

I looked into her eyes, “They’re blue.”

 

“Yes,” she said, “Which means I am sad, just like how yellow meant I was happy and white… emotionless.”

 

“You mean, they change color based on what mood you’re in?” I said as the revelation hit me.

 

“They do. Any other questions?” She smirked, already knowing them.

 

“You… claim I’m going to become a mermaid,” I said softly, “Why would you say that?”

 

“Because it is true,” She replied.

 

“Well, yes but, what makes it true?” I asked again.

 

“The night you were in the woods-- it was then your fate was decided. You sensed our presence through your dream which drove you to the water’s edge. We were watching you for something had told all of us something big was going to happen that night. And we are always up on those nights… when the moon has become full. As you stood watching the waters, Heather and I stayed to make sure nothing happened but Urvashi went away saying nothing would. We knew better. When you got to close and fell in, I held Heather back telling her you would get out by yourself and not to get involved but, as you know, you couldn’t,” She said while swirling her fingers around in the water.

 

“But then you had to save me because I got stuck. How does that make it so I have to grow a tail and gills then?” I asked.

 

“Listen to the tale,” she sighed, “When you got stuck I tried to stop Heather from helping you because I knew if she could not untangle you, she would do anything to save you, including putting gills on you. Any other night I would have let her or done it myself, but on the night of a full moon, I wouldn’t have to save my own family… had I have ever had one. If a mermaid gives you a power on the night of a full moon, there is nothing you can do that makes it so it does not stay with you… forever. The other powers and form of us will come soon.”

 

“So, because Heather saved me, I have gills? It seems like a small price to pay to live. It’s actually kind of cool, being able to breathe underwater. It’s not so bad,” I smiled, relief leaking out of every pore in my body.

 

“Cool? Not so bad? Do you have any idea how awful being one of us really is?” She screamed, her eyes changing to red.

 

Swiftly, she grabbed my leg and drug me into the water. The crisp water caressed my body and my hair tangled around my face. Instantly, I could feel the gills forming on my neck again. I twisted and turned in fear as she drug me to the bottom. She then grabbed my face and turned to the surface.

 

“Do you see up there? Do you like feeling grass between your toes? Maybe a cool breeze through you hair as you stroll through the woods? Imagine never being able to do that again. Imagine having to leave your friends and not telling them goodbye because saying, ‘Bye, I’m off to live in the water,’ sounds insane and ridiculous. What if you knew you would never find love because love lives on land and you in the water. Just Imagine. No, don’t imagine because within weeks time, it will happen to you and you will understand,” she finally ended.

 

She let go of my face and began to swim the way she came.

 

“Wait! What do you mean leave everyone and not be able to come back?’ I screamed at her as she swam away, “Wait!”

Author's Note

Just normal, I need peer critique type of thing. Tell me your honest opinion please:)

Reviews

[TOF_Matt]

I've been too busy recently to go over this entire book, so just to preface I'm basing this review on only this one chapter.

It's a workable, creative idea, but mired in quite a lot of technical problems that you will absolutely have to fix if you're looking to get published. It is important to be critical of your style because publishers can be pretty merciless. Luckily, you're a young writer, so you have lots of time to hone your skills My advice is to read plenty of other books because the problems exhibited here are more in your foundation than in specific spots. I'll outline a few of them below.

You labor to describe your scenes, often spending too much time on details that aren't really important. For example, "Her lips were pale and slightly opened and her dark red eyes were glaring at me." Why did you have to mention they were "slightly opened?" I realize you have a very specific image in your head, but this is overkill.

Your writing style is also very passive, which is normal for young writers. Passive voice is when you say "I was ", "it was ," basically any variation of the structure "to be." Learn to write in an active voice. Don't just say "I was scared," but rather something like "goosebumps climbed up my back." You want to show and not tell, imply and not state.

Here's another example: "Emerging, wet, silky strands of hair caressed my skin and the warm rays of the sun danced across them. I heard the sounds of the rushing stream, the wind whispering through the trees… it was peaceful." This right here is great work... until you say "it was peaceful." Everything you've written up to this line is implying a peaceful picture, you don't need to flat out say "oh, and it was peaceful." If anything, that weakens your description.

Also be careful of your character's actions. Remember that every word you use has a purpose/reason. For example, "I quickly snapped my eyes to the one named Andrea who seemed more calm than Urvashi, she even seemed shy." Why would your eyes "snap" in this scenario? Generally eyes snap to something when some sort of action catches their attention. Here it seems like you used it just because you wanted something other than "moved." Actions have inherent meaning associated with them, so you want to keep your work consistent with that.

The last thing I'll mention is that you need to get into your characters' heads and figure out what they're feeling at a given moment. I was very confused about her post transformation. She emerges from the water and plays with water droplets and pebbles, like she's completely at peace, but then in the next paragraph you say she's afraid and stressed out because of her new gills. There's an inconsistency here between what the character is feeling versus what the character is doing.

I'll leave it at that. There's other grammatical mistakes (the past tense of drag is "dragged" not "drug") but that's mostly technical stuff that you'll learn to fix. I hope I didn't seem overly harsh, like I said you are a young writer and these kinds of problems are difficult to see without experience. As you read and write more and more, they'll become second nature. The important thing is to understand that writing is a craft; if you're doing it right, it should be difficult. Just keep going over your work and asking yourself "why is this section important? What am I trying to accomplish when I say this?" Focus and direction are the most important things in writing.

[The]

Again, this story reads really fast; things happen one after another, and so the story reads like a page-turner. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, but it's not my preference.

One thing about your plot that stuck out to me, and that maybe you could develop further in your book, is the following: “You will learn to live without them as my sisters and I have,” she said, her eyes switching back to the purple." This leaves open the idea that, at one point, the mermaids were themselves human.

[:DI laugh too much:D]

I loved this! the dialogue was so smooth, the descriptions were great, awesome job!

[Inyourshadow]

This so reminded me of Water Babies when the sweep drowns only to be reborn a merman, there are errors in grammer and some arkward paragraphs where the structure of the lines could be broken up more adding emphasise to their meeting. I also agree that we need more indepth character references to decide what it is about each one we love or hate, how do we meter their responses if we don't really know them, otherwise I loved it, a classic kids book, my daughter when younger would have loved this it is Mermaids for goodness sake. You have style and talent don't rush it, slow down reread and where you breath add punctuationand new lines, make it simple structure kids have limited attention,



“Listen to the tale,” she sighed,

“When you got stuck I tried to stop Heather from helping you,
because I knew if she could not untangle you she would do anything to save you, including putting gills on you.
On ny other night I would have let her too or even gone so far as to aid you myself, but not on this night
a night illuminated by a full moon for on these nights I wouldn’t even save my own family…

had I have ever had one.

Just a suggestion, not an order, loved what I read and believe it has all the hallmarks of a wonderful childs fairytale. keep em' coming ~ Shadow

[Zeek4]

Wow, what a constructive review down below. I want to befriend that person. That's the kind of reviewer I need.

[TheElfPrincess]

It is a good chapter, full of surprises. A few mistakes here and there, I suggest typing it on word and then doing a spelling and grammar check because it is hard to point out. I though it was better than the previous chapter, because you didn't use a lot of big words like leisurely. Anyways, a good chapter. Well penned.