Patches

Moving from eye-to-eye, one patch makes it possible for a young teen named Shelby to see either the future or the present.

      I woke up, out of breath, gasping for air and struggling to move my eye patch over the other eye. My quivering fingers stumbled across my perspiring brow until finally I could feel the touch of the stiff fabric covering my right eye. My “bad” eye. It wasn’t that I couldn’t see out of it, it was that I saw to much.

 

      I pulled the patch and covered my left eye. My right eye adjusted to the darkness then shot me into what everyone dreads the most but always wants to know more of… the future. I plunged into a bright cyclone of vivid, swirling colors for less than one second until the scene materialized before me; a desolate, dark field. Lifeless shrubs burned in the distance and ashes leisurely fell from the sky, falling tenderly to caress the surface of the burnt earth. A woman strode into scene and walked over to a pile of glowing embers. She bent down on one knee before plunging herself to he ground, crying. She tried to lift herself back up but the trembling throughout her body prevented her. Her teary face looked up and a piece of what seemed to be burning paper caught her eye.

 

      She leaned forward and grabbed the paper, shaking it to stop the fire. I saw a close up of the paper and realized it was picture. Two people sat side-by-side on a bench, leaning into each other and laughing. One was my sister, Heather. She had short, blonde hair, perfect blue, almond shaped eyes and was wearing the same shirt as the other girl in the picture. The other person had light brown, long hair and green eyes. That girl was me, Shelby. The girl burst into tears once again after looking at the picture. Finally, I saw the girl’s face in full and realized it was me.

I forced my eye shut and when I reopened it, I was back in reality. I stayed laying, feeling the sweat slide off my face. Wheezing, I kicked the covers off me, pulled my patch off and threw it on the ground.

 

      “This is s**t,” I gasped as I sat up, clutching the sides of my head.

 

      I kept panting until my heart beat lowered and I couldn’t feel my veins pulsating throughout my forehead. Quietly, I swung my legs over the side of my bed and tiptoed across my room. I opened my creaky door and swiftly glided down the stairs into the pitch black kitchen. Counting on touch, I felt my way to the light switch and flicked it on. When my vision was restored, I fumbled over to the fridge and pulled out the orange juice. It was the only thing that could calm me down when I was like this.

 

      I first began having my visions around the age of five. I wouldn’t understand what was happening, especially since it was only out of one eye. The picture of the present and the future at the same time was daunting enough to send a small child into enough shock to be sent home time after time from school and be sent to multiple therapists for them to try to cure the child of these “hallucinations.” It was when I turned seven my parents realized what I was seeing was real.

 

      My therapist instructed me to retain a log of every time I saw something from my right eye. One entry consisted of a light red car racing down my street and colliding with my neighbors' eight year old son. I yelled to my parents that we had to tell them to not let their son out of the house but my parents told me nothing was actually going to happen. Three months later, my family and I were in a cabin in South Dakota on vacation when our neighbor called telling us how this, speeding red car flew down the road, lost control and destroyed our mailbox… right before hitting her son who was in intensive care in the hospital.

 

      That was when I got the eye patch so I could only see the present or the future at once. The reoccurring vision of my smoldering house and land had not only come once. It was the only vision that has transpired overtime. It comes at different times of the day and there is no warning. At school, I tell teachers it’s an asthma attack and I just need to go to the restroom for a bit and I should be fine. I start having difficulties breathing, seeing, hearing and I began to get hot and red.

This single vision had been controlling my life for the past year. I fear it coming into my head through my visions and I fear when it is going to happen in real life. Every time I see my sister, I tell her I love her just in case that moment arrives when my revelation becomes reality. I will change my vision though. No fires, no candles, no matches. Fire extinguishers are placed throughout the house and everyone in my family is aware of what the future hold. When the time comes, we will be ready and we will do anything to make sure the path of the future is skewed into a brighter one.

Author's Note

Just need some quickie help, it's for a contest

Reviews

[Annie N.]

I really enjoyed reading this :) Some of the descriptions you used are really just wonderfully descriptive. Some small grammar mistakes, as HeartOfStars said, but I don't think they affect the flow of this piece, and a few of these mistakes were very very easily overlooked so they don't take away from the story as a whole... No worries (Though that's just my point of view) ! Contradicting to what HeartsOfStars said though, please please please DO NOT stop using words like "perspiring" or "leisurely" just because you are worried some readers may not understand. These words all add to this story and paint very specific pictures that I don't think should be changed. Also, being a "child" myself I completely disagree with the stereotypical "children won't understand" and not just because I do, but many (many many many many) writers at an age close to mine which I have corresponded with will as well. However I can't deny the fact that certain people may not understand, but NEVER EVER EVER let this fact change your style of writing, because the use of these words all come together to form a unique style that is entirely yours. I love this style so please don't change it :) Of course this is completely my own opinion. Ok, sorry rant over. Great write thank you so much for sharing!!!!

[trainwreck]

This is really strong. I didn't see any major corrections, except you may want to add a bit about the sister accepting her power or something.

[Dreamer<3]

Wow!! This is an amazing idea!! And personally, I think you wrote it very well. Great job!

[Christian Lebron]

wooooow this is awesome and very creative to me and excellent description. if only it was and book :(

[bbb]

First off I will say this is a great story. It's a fast paced, interesting read that held my attention. But if you're entering it in a contest, some editing is required. There are also sentences that I think could be re-written better as well. Everything I am about to point out is meant solely for the purpose of helping to make a good story a great story, none is intended to be overly critical. First, the title. I think it would make more sense to simply change it to "Patch," or, "The Patch." In the first sentence I would specify which direction she's moving the eye patch to, be it left or right; then you could cut out the use of the word "right" in the following sentence as we will already know which side she was switching it to. Small typo on last sentence, first paragraph; it should be "too", not "to." On the second paragraph, I think it would be better to say, "what most of us dread, yet almost always yearn to know more of...the future." Second paragraph, second sentence: I would omit the word "until" and change it to "and then." (The word until implies waiting, and there's not much of a wait in less than a second.) Next, when writing about the ashes falling, I think you need word other than "tenderly," for that word tends to coincide more with positive experiences. Since this is a burnt wasteland, I would choose a word like "airily," or even "lightly." The same goes for the word "caress" used here. Being a word that implies something being done lovingly doesn't fit the ominous picture we are presented with in the vision. In the second paragraph, last sentence, I would re-write it to something like this: "The woman finally looked up, her face tear-stained, her countenance the epitome of sorrow. Then suddenly her eyes shifted, her attention caught by something on the ground within reach. It appeared to be a burning piece of paper." Keep in mind that these are just my ideas and suggestions...and I write horrifically long reviews because I notice nearly everything! On the third paragraph, I would say something like, "My eye immediately zoomed in on the object in the woman's hand..." "leaning into each other and laughing," I would change to, "leaning into one another and wearing the kind of exuberant smiles that were only present in laughter." Or something like that; it just makes it more clear that you can actually tell that they were laughing. Ok, on that third paragraph, Shelby is a girl in the picture; but when she is first presented in the desolate wasteland, she is called a woman. You should probably change the sentence that reads "the girl burst into tears once more, " to, "the woman..." etc. From what I'm reading, it seems that time has gone by since the picture was taken and it seems that Shelby is now an adult. Her age differences (if any?) need to be clarified between the vision, the picture, and the present so that the reader isn't confused. Small correction at the end of that paragraph; it should be, "I stayed lying down," or "I continued lying there." Next paragraph, first sentence; I would only slightly re-word a few things to make it flow better, like this..."I continued panting, trying to catch my breath until my heartbeat slowed and I could no longer feel my veins..." etc. Instead of using the phrase "counting on," I would change it to "relying on." The meaning is more precise this way. In the next part, if her vision is restored, she shouldn't have to "fumble" over to the fridge. I would possibly change it to "stumbled," or even "shuffled" or "floundered." In the next paragraph, the sentence that begins with, "The picture of the present and the future at the same time..." really needs to be broken up. It's not a run-on, but would read more fluidly if you broke it up into at least two sentences. Next paragraph: On the sentence starting with "three months later.." you should end that sentence with "our neighbor called us." Start a new sentence and say something like, "She told us how a speeding red car..." etc, and end it with "her son who was now in intensive care..." Last paragraph, maybe re-word a little..."That was when I got the eye patch so that I could see the present and the future independent of one another." Third sentence, it should be "had," not "has." To be more dramatic you could say, "It strikes always at different times of the day; and there is never a warning." When describing the physical effects of when the vision strikes, towards the end I would change the wording to..."my body temperature escalates and my skin becomes red." (Just to add description.) I think you could probably omit the sentence "I fear it coming into my head through my visions," it just doesn't read well. Just keep the first sentence ("This single vision...') and here you want "has" instead of "had." ..."aware of what the future hold." small typo, be sure to put an 's' on hold. Lastly, I would change the word "skewed" as it is usually implying something negative. Maybe "transfigured," "transformed," or the like. I apologize for the length of this! But take what you need from it, I truly hope it is a help. Best of luck with the contest; you have an outstanding original work here that should be read and appreciated.

[TheElfPrincess]

I would try to get rid of the most adverbs, because there are quite many. Words like “perspiring” are likely not remembered by most readers and, since there are quite a lot of children here, won’t be understood by many. The same goes for leisurely. Being a Dutch child, I don’t understand that word and it drags away my attention. Here are some of the grammar mistakes:
Too much
That girl was me
Neighbors’
burning paper caught her eye
Anyways, a good chapter. Made me very curious at times and wonder what was wrong. Well done, I suggest looking at my advice, edit it a bit and then enter it in the contest.