Escape

A poem I had the honor of doing for school and I need quick criticism on it:)

I want to escape

Into my dreams.

There I can veil myself

Among the giant oaks

That extend above the sky.

 

It’s where breathing underwater,

Is what I like to do,

So I proceed to it.

And oxygen’s presence,

Is only there to amuse me.

 

My dreams are where I can

Be free and be myself

Without fear of being ridiculed.

Where my Queen of Hearts,

Can’t find me.

 

Where secrets lay

In the deepest of the abyss’

Waiting for me.

And when I find them,

I realize they’re my own.

 

In my dreams,

I giggle with talking dogs

That are cooler than my old friends.

Here I know,

People like me.

 

Leaving reality curves my lips

And leaves me breathless,

While I breathe.

There, I am no longer numb,

While still in pain.

 

I love the rush of knowing

No one can hurt me

While I’m here.

No nerves that are

Being clenched.

 

Running from my problems

Makes my feet take flight

And my body soars.

When I’m in my dream sky,

I’m finally boundless.

Author's Note

I need help on anything and everything!

Reviews

[Viki Rachel]

It is truly an amazing experience to dream:) I absoltely love the line, "And oxygen’s presence, --Is only there to amuse me"
I love the feeling of truly being free. I think you captured that perfectly in this poem. IN LOVE.

[J.M. Walsh]

I didn't find the rhythym to be very strong through it. It went fine until the breathing underwater line - and that seemed, to me, out of sync with the rest of that verse. Again with the "can't find me" after the queen of hearts line (and that was particularly good). The word "cooler" didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the language used in the poem. Some commas also ruined the flow, I felt, the one Here I know, People like me. - could do with being got rid of. I found it to be an unnecessary pause.

The poem closed very well though. That last verse was well done.

I hope you don't think I'm being overly harsh on you. I'm only giving you my opinion and I'm in the exact same boat as you - looking for criticism to help in writing poetry. So my word isn't gospel, but I hope it helps. It's quite a good poem I think - I've focused on the critique as you asked for - you had good imagery and some good lines through.out

[Calypso]

Amen. I loved this poem.

[Cherrie Palmer]

The great thing about a school work of poetry is if you can give voice to your work it is never wrong.
That said this has a good line and a natural flow.

[Cherrie Palmer]

very nice..Running from my problems Makes my feet take flight..

[Solidad]

I don't know if you've ever read Neil Gaiman's Sandman series but reading this took me to Delirium's realm and I love that because she is this piece in a nut shell. Well written :)

[Coyote Poetry]

The poem need nothing. You told a good story and made a wish in your poem. I believe in real life dreams can be touched. Must escape the norm of life. Climb a mountain and swim in the ocean where you can feel real freedom and strength when you are alert and awake. A very strong ending to a excellent poem.
Coyote

[Thomas Fitzgerald]

A irreverent masking of collapsed emulation, a well written piece, well done