Mind Games Part I

After hearing and seeing one of the mermaids in her head, she returns to the river in order to "let the water guide her" to help her find them.

Chapter two

Mind Games

Part one

　

“I can see you and you can see me. You are like us, like my sisters and I. You will have the ability to breathe, to see and to talk underwater. Come back to the creek, find me. Let the water guide you,” She said and then she closed her eyes, smiled and took in a deep breath and disappeared from my sight.

 

Suddenly, I could see the kitchen again. My hands were holding the dishes I had been cleaning and I laid them back into the water and sat down. The chair creaked and my feet thumped against the tiled floor as I swayed back and forth. My eyes were glazed over with a mask of confusion and I stared at my wrinkled hands.

 

I heard the front door open followed by footsteps and my mothers voice.

 

“Hello darling! Are you ready to head off to school? Don’t answer that, simply grab your bags and let’s hit the road that way I can get back to work,” she mentioned as she entered the kitchen and motioned towards the door.

 

“Mom, my stomach’s been queasy all morning and my throat has been hurting ever since I got up. I have a little headache too,” I lied as I grabbed my stomach.

 

“Oh? Here, let me see if you have a temperature,” She said.

She leaned across the table and gently rested her hand against my forehead. Almost simultaneously she jerked her hand back.

 

“You don’t have a temperature. It’s actually quite the opposite, your head is freezing. Do you need me to take a day off from work to stay home with you today?” She asked hustling me over to the couch and covering me with a blanket.

 

“No it’s okay. Can you call the school and tell them I’m not going to be there?” I asked laying down.

 

“Sure I can. I’ll be home around eight tonight, I have to work late. It’s to bad your father is on business or else he could have stayed. Call me if you need me. I’m going to go now. Bye!” She exclaimed grabbing her bags and coat and backing out of the doorway.

 

She blew me a kiss and then shut the door behind her. I waited a few seconds incase she forgot something and had to come back in but after waiting momentarily, I got down on my knees and I drug my body against the rough carpet to the window sill. Slowly, I drew back the curtains and peeked my head around them to glance out the window. I watched my mom climb into her car and back down the driveway. When she finally disappeared from my sight, I rushed into the kitchen all while hauling my leg across the floor in is cast. I reached for my keys as I threw all my notebooks and pencils from my backpack onto the kitchen table, therefore I could reload it with water bottles and granola bars. I snatched my crutches and began propelling myself towards the door.

 

I stopped. I looked down at my foot encased in the cast and wiggled

it. It felt fine, it healed a lot quicker than the doctor had predicted. I threw the crutches near the TV and reached towards the cast. I tore the Velcro apart from each other and the ripping sound followed. I took it off and set it aside and began to stand up. It didn’t hurt, there wasn’t even an uncomfortable feeling the doctor had thought there would be. I took a few steps and hit it on the ground a little and then decided that it was safe to progress with the walking on my foot.

 

I firstly began fast walking towards my car till I began sprinting; my feet moved like never before. It was as though the wind was helping push them forward. I irrevocably made it to my car and jabbed the keys in to unlock it and shoved my way into it. Once the keys were in the ignition, I put it in reverse and sped down the muddied driveway until I hit the open road.

 

I would guess I got to the malls parking lot in almost half the time that I usually did. Stop signs seemed useless when no one was around and the speed limit kept getting lost in my mind that was cluttered in thoughts. My car rumbled as I took the keys out and snatched my bag. Flinging my door open, I hurried out and didn’t even mind to lock it.

 

I trekked over the bridge and had a gently slide down the muddy hill and when I landed at the bottom, I began the brisk job to the forests’ edge. The grass was wet but beginning to form into ice slivers. I was getting below freezing and I only had on a down jacket but I wasn’t freezing, I was barely even shivering. A cool brisk of wind kissed my cheek and I slowed to a vigorous walk.

 

I was out of sight from the people going across the bridge or exiting the mall and the only creatures that could see me now were the ones of the forest. I saw a bird jump from branch to branch and c**k it’s head at me and chirp in my direction. I giggled but kept my mind focused on the plan.

 

“She said let the water guide you,” I whispered to myself as I unzipped my backpack.

 

The sound of me digging through my bag were one of the few in the forest. Finally my hands grasped around one of the bottles of water in my bag and I pulled it out. I took a moment to stare at it in the bottle to see if anything would happen to it, but nothing did. Slowly, I broke my stare and began to unscrew the cap. Once I broke the seal and the cap popped off, I took a moment to figure out my next move.

 

I stood there in the middle of the forest holding the bottle for minutes, wishing something would happen. I at first believed the water would flow from the top of the bottle and lead me to wherever I needed to be however that hadn’t happened. I determined I would have to do something to get the result I yearned for. Making up my mind, I sloshed the water out of the bottle by heaving it in the air but it resulted in it falling and splattered onto the now frozen grass.

 

I didn’t understand what I was suppose to do. I sat on the ground and faced the creek and dug a granola bar out of my bag and began to eat it. The creek had a film of ice skimming its surface but the water below was rushing rapidly down to the end of the creek. I arose from where I was sitting and scuffled over to the creeks edge. I tapped the surface of the ice with a stick laying next to the creek. The ice cracked and divided then broke altogether-- the entire creek. I tossed the stick then bent over and lightly glided my had across the surface of the water.

 

Instantly I felt something. A warm, tingling sensation passed through my hand and went down my spine and up my throat, engulfing my body in warmth. I closed my eyes and let it pass through every fiber of my body before I lethargically opened my eyes and looked forward at the creek. I felt something thumping in me, such as a heart but it was much slower. Then it began drawing me somewhere therefore I stood up to follow it but as soon as my hand left the water, my body was drained of heat and the pounding and pulling stopped.

 

I quickly threw myself back down on the ground and stuck my hand into the water. The warmth filled my body again and I felt the pull. A sigh of relief slipped from my lips and I began crawling on my knees while keeping my left hand in the creek. Although I wasn’t cold, the now frozen grass and sticks that laid on it, kept sticking me in the knees and feet.

 

I felt the pounding in me get stronger and faster the farther I went down the creek. I took a glance back to see the water beginning to freeze again and as soon as I turned around, I felt a searing pain shoot down my leg, beginning at my kneecap. I hurled my hand out of the water and clamped them around my knee. I muffled my screams of pain and terror as I glanced at my knee but turned away in a nauseating sickness. A stick had deeply gouged it and now I had a stream of blood flowing from it onto the near white grass. It ran down my leg, staining my jeans, and I grabbed it and curled in ball, rocking back and forth. Quick gasps trembled out of my mouth followed by immense gulps of air that accompanied the tears that trickled down face.

 

I pushed the stick covered in my own blood away from me and it rebounded into the creek. The stick floated and wiggled a little and rings of water bordered it like a frame. My blood began to glide of the stick and hover around it. I stared at it in disgust but then something began to happen. My blood spread out and began to dissolve; not merely dissolve but be converted to water. It turned from my rancid, red blood to a clear water shade.

 

I elevated my head and stared at where my blood had been resting. Whooshing sounds of the winds surfing through the great pines, sent my hair gusting forward to the creek as though urging me to touch it again. I struggled but was able to inch my way back to the creek. I put my hand in it and felt warmth then glanced behind me at my gimp leg. The gash simply sat there and did nothing. I stuck my entire arm in the water but nothing ensued on my leg.

 

That’s when I realized something; the blood had made contact with the water. I rolled my pants up to above the knee and slowly slid into the water. It was amazing. The water clung to me and was as though it wasn’t moving anymore, only resting in place for me. I stared back down at my cut. The blood had went away and I witness the cut moving and sealing itself back together. My eyes gaped at the event and then once more focused on the thumping that was once more residing in my chest. I stayed in the water and began pushing my way through the glistening rocks dwelling on the bottom and tedious twigs floating on the top.

 

The thumping feeling inside my chest would beat stronger the further I went. The sun had finally reached the horizon a few minutes ago and I saw its rays gleaming through the trees. I squinted now because the rays kept running across my eyes and making me only see white spots if I stared to long. I put my hands in front of me and made my way around a bolder. The creek was deep therefore I had kept to the side of it and now I had to wrap myself around the boulder and clutch the vines swerving around it. I stayed away from the slippery moss covering the boulder near where my feet were and proceeded to shallower water.

 

After trudging through the water and feeling he pounding become stronger, I stopped. My feet were sore from stomping on the rocks below and I was out of breath. I splashed my face with water and felt my neck twitch. I paused then cupped my hands and refilled them with water and brought it above my face and slowly drizzled it on me. The twitch turned into a pulsating eruption on the sides of my neck but as soon as the water all dribbled out of my hands, it stopped. Sluggishly, I placed my face on the top of the water. My hair gathered around my head and floated there. It felt amazing. Finally, I put my entire body under water as I plunged my hands forward and dove in from where I was standing.

 

The feeling rippled up my neck and drove me to wrap my hands around it in wonder and horror. I began falling to the bottom; I saw the sun’s rays streak into the water and suddenly stop and disappear the farther down I went. I was running out of breath and started for the surface but it was to late. My air supply wouldn’t suffice me any longer and I took in a whiff of water expecting to choke but… nothing happened and I felt instantly revived.

 

Shock stuck to my brain and exhaustion to my body as I climbed to the surface. My head broke through but my body still bobbed up and down in the water. Gusts of air entered my mouth and I could feel the cool undulation of water going through my new formed gills on the side of my neck. I touched them. A spongy revelation hit my fingers upon the touch.

 

I wanted to freak out, I wanted to scream and jump out of the water and run home but there was a new drive in my that kept me from doing that. The pounding that had been getting more immense the closer I came to where I was suppose to be at, was now so large I could fee it pushing against my ribcage. I swam forward a few feet then the pounding… stopped.

 

I let out a sigh and then quickly swam back a few feet in panic. Alas, the pounding remained somewhere else besides in me. Suddenly, I heard a rustle in the trees to my right and I strained my neck over my right should in fear to see nothing else besides a simple squirrel dart across a branch. A sigh of relief left my lips as I began refocusing on why the pounding had stopped.

 

I swam over to the edge and grabbed the top of the cliff of dirt and roots and stared at the water. It was beautiful and the only part not covered in ice was still around me. I stretched my arm out, reaching where ice was, to have it instantly melt away like an ice cream cone on a hot summers day. I giggled and stretched farther to have more ice melt but this time, when it melted, something beneath it caught my eye. A shiny, oval like, black object rested in with the hoard of rocks.

 

I lowered myself into the deeper water to investigate. Swimming to the bottom and getting closer made me realize I recognized the object; my phone that was suppose to be near the tree where I woke up. I gathered it in my hands and sat on the bottom in wonder, not even noticing I had used up my air supply and was now running on nothing but the creek’s water. I had come to realize that my dreams had had to have been something more than a simple dream but it hadn’t hit me until then, it had all been real.

 

I shadow appeared in front of me and began creeping closer but I was to frightened to even glance up. My hands launched themselves into a sudden breakout of shaking and my nerves kicked in. I closed my eyes, thinking I’d be invisible as the shadow covered my body.

 

My hair got brushed off my shoulder and I felt my phone be removed from my hands. I could sense there presence in the water, I knew they were there. I took in a deep breath, and my eyes busted open when I felt water squeeze through the open gills on my neck. As soon as I saw my surroundings, I frantically backed up against side of the creek. I fell back into the mud as I watched her come closer to me. She was extremely alluring in a way that frightened me. I felt almost calmer the closer she got but I didn’t want to feel that way.

 

“Hello Shelby. Remember me?” She said as she gathered my hair in her hands, twisting it through her fingers.

 

“Are you-- are you Heather?” I cautiously whispered in her direction, my face pointing to the ground.

 

“Yes and these are my sisters,” I saw her arm’s shadow gesture to her left so I followed it upwards to see two more mermaids, “This is Andrea and this is Urvashi and this is our friend Manue.”

Author's Note

This is the first part of chapter 2. I need critique out the wahoosie so comment on mechanics and grammar and the flow and character development.

Reviews

[Rose Downing]

I love that you start with dialog. So many books start with dry boring descriptions. It's hard to make narration good enough to keep the reader going until something happens. The scene where the girl breaths water for the first time is not so believable. If you're forced to breath water you're basically drowning. Drowning would be harder than that. You could draw that part out, put a lot more additives and just generally bulk up the piece all together. For example, as she's swimming, perhaps she tries to come up for air but finds that she's under ice. Perhaps she cant find the hole in the ice soon enough and nearly faints, then just as she's starting to black out, she breaths water. Just a suggestion.

[The]

This reads really, really fast to me, and so if you're aiming for a page-turner, maybe this will work out in terms of the speed of the plot. But for some, maybe things could be too rushed? The mom offers to stay home but has to work late the same day? The person had a cast, but now their leg seems to be perfectly fine and they're able to ditch the cast?

[E.H. Monroe]

grammar and mechanics are boring. The one I can give is when she looks at her gash its oddly personified, considering hitting that area.

Style wise and development the character is coming of her own slowly AND at the right pace. not too much information that is rushed. I remember when you were banging out scenes just to get em out. Now that you are clearly calmer in your message the details are improving ad so is the characters reactions.

The use of water is an easy door to keep open for later when she needs it and so is the water kinesis. The only thing i'd say is expand the description of what the f**k is uder water in a little creek. boots? bodies? poker chips? Id say hit us with some more

nicely done

[Lena M. P.]

Unique interesting storyline. A couple of spelling errors like their instead of there. My problem is that it reads choppy. Gets better closer to the end. Other problem is you jump back and forth from past to present to past tenses. I tend to do the same thing. A reread would probably fix it. All in all, it kept my interest throughout.

[Esoteric Strand]

This first chapter is interesting, it does its job of securing the interest of the reader. There are some areas that need to be polished, but that’s a quick fix with spelling software. That’s minor stuff really. The main issue I had with this was the glacial pacing once the character reached the water. Everything seemed to slow down until we were describing every single movement and minute observation. I found that tiring and I wanted to skip ahead to where something happened.

That’s my 2 cents worth. Please keep in mind, I’m more of a Poetry guy. My opinions on prose are amateur at best.

Regards,

Enzo

[Coyote Poetry]

I see no weakness. The chapter aim at the one girl and made her a interesting character. I would like more detail of the water and it purpose. But I need to read more to figure that part out. I like the feel of mystery in this chapter. I like the mother's concern. A very good chapter. I will read the next.
Coyote

[halflives]

This is... different. It's more of a bloody mermaid story, in responce to what Dakota said beneath, but it's a good one. It's very interesting and inspiring. I can't think of anything to critique it with at the moment, but I'll let you know if I think of something...

[GrandDystopia]

Probably the first mermaid story i have ever read in my life but it's so captivating.
The story moves at a great pace, building up a rythym as it heads towards the end, it's impressive, love the description also, very immersive.
Good job

[Ian Faraway]

Personally, and you don't need to take this the wrong way or be offended in anyway since I am a male reader and writer, THIS IS FREAKING WEIRD! Not BAD weird but good weird. It breaks away from tradition mermaid stories (or the ones I've read) and adds its own twist. I don't think my imagination can stretch that far. Of course, there are a few grammatical errors (tisk tisk) and I think it's weird how accepting the parents are of 'i cant go to school'. My parents do full on investigations, they have helicopters, swimming ducks, everything when I wanna stay home. But I'm interested in reading more. Let me know. J'adore.

This is great, although I'm not a fan of mermaids. I prefer pirates/WWII stories.
But this is fantastic! Good job!