Broken Part II

In the previous part, Shelby and her friends talk about the town's legend and decide to figure out the secret to it but, what they discover will blow their minds...

Chapter one

Broken

Part II

 

 

After countless hours of shopping and twenty stores later, we were finally packed down with our weight in bags and boxes.

 

“Before we leave we need to get something to throw in the creek remember?” I told them as we were walking towards the exit, “it needs to be something that floats so we can track it.”

 

We ran through a few small trinket shops and finally ended up buying a small beach ball. We skipped out of the mall and over the bride to relieve ourselves of the burden of carrying our bags before we dropped the ball in the water. We quit skipping to sprint to her car as our anticipation grew stronger. Our feet pounded on the ground as we ran forward with the wind skimming through our hair and making it sail behind us. When we finally reached the car, Kelsi popped the trunk and we flung the bags in and started back to the bridge.

 

When we reached the bridge, the excitement building in my chest almost exploded. We were the ones who were going to finally see the good Samaritans cleaning the creek. We went to the center of the bridge and pulled the ball out of my metallic purse and prepared to throw it into the icy creek.

 

“Ok, on the count of three we drop it in and make for the trees,” I told them as I spun the ball around in my hands, “One… three! Sorry I couldn’t wait!”

 

I threw and it floated. It slowly went with the wind, spinning, twisting, hovering. When it finally landed, it caressed the water gently, causing few ripples. It dwelled in it’s place momentarily as though stuck in time, waiting for us to run to the trees, but then it began moving. It started to move quicker as it cascaded down the steeper parts of the creek. We watched until it was a little ways off, then, we ran.

We rushed into the dark and musky woods, the sent of pine and oak tingling inside our noses, as the feeling of the freshly damp ground provided our feet a place to land on. We slowed to a fast walk and kept our pace and set our distance from the ball. We felt our way through the towering trees and the overgrowth of bushes. Squirrels scattered at the sight of us and birds took to the sky when hearing our faint rustles in the distance. Bugs crawled down branches and attempted to scuttle onto our jackets until we brushed them off. Darting fish swam to the ball to inspect it and then quickly swam away. We giggled as they tried making it their prey and when it bounced, became the unexpected predator.

 

After miles, more than the investigators had walked, the ball came to a natural dam and got caught. It hit it and was pulled back by the water and pushed forward again. It tried to break through to continue its journey but it could not and neither could we.

 

“I don’t get where it goes! The ball stopped here, shouldn’t the little girl’s bracelet be here too? I don’t see it,” Samantha exclaimed, throwing herself on the side of a moldy tree.

 

“Let’s go back, we’ve been walking for hours and I’m tired and hungry and we’re not getting anywhere. Let’s just turn back,” Kelsi added, joining Samantha.

 

“What if someone comes to get it? Don’t you want to see who it is finally?” I said.

 

“Not really,” they said in unison, afterward looking and giggling among themselves.

 

“Fine, I’ll stay here and wait for the person then.”

 

I plopped down next to a tall tree, leaned against it, then I pressed my head to the bark and closed my eyes.

 

“Fine, whatever Shelby, it took us almost two hours to get here and is going to take longer to get back. I don’t want to stay here any longer than I have to. This whole nature thing is really getting on my nerves,” Samantha ranted, starting to walk away.

 

“I think I’m going with her. I want to get home. Text me when you’re almost back and I’ll pick you up,” Kelsi said with a sympathetic look spreading across her face as she turned and started walking towards Samantha.

 

I pulled my hat over my eyes to block out the sun’s rays and then concentrated on watching for the person who would get my ball. Slowly my eyes started to droop and become heavy. The breeze drifted in between each strand of my hair, blowing it, making it feel like someone was running their fingers through it. Along with that, birds were chirping and the frogs in the creek croaked along with them in a battle to see who could speak the longest. It was calming; the rustling of the leaves, the light drizzling of the creek water going over the dam, the intoxicating scent of the trees, the sun‘s rays soaking into my skin, me thanking God it was twenty-five degrees warmer than yesterday. I slowly began to drift in and out of conciseness until I couldn’t fight it anymore and fell into a deep slumber.

 

I dreamt of the ball and me chasing it along the creeks edge while smiling and laughing. No one else was visibly there although I could sense their presence. I stopped running and looked down at the water. It was clear and suddenly calm and I could see my reflection. I bent down and got on my knees then dipped my hand in the water and swirled my reflection and my feeling was gone. Was the other presence I sensed only coming from my reflection? It felt as though something under the water was pulling me forward into the cool, crisp waters of the creek. It was compulsive and driving me forward and then… I was in.

 

Hypothermia was the last thing on my mind as the cool waters encased me and flung me deeper into the creek’s heart. My cheeks bulged and my hands frantically pushed and pulled, trying to find something to grasp a hold of to help propel myself upwards to the surface but without success. My hair caressed around my face and made me panic since I couldn’t untangle it from my mouth and nose which I would need to breathe if I could ever break the surface. Nothing I did could help me win the war against the current and now I could feel something twisting around my foot and pulling me down as well.

 

Finally, I couldn’t breathe and I began to scream. Bubbles exploded from my mouth and I hoped someone would see them from the surface. Pushing myself upwards, I grabbed for the land to my right. I closed my eyes as I yelled more and then I felt something grasp both sides of my face. I stopped and opened my eyes and saw the blurred vision of a beautiful girl with golden-brown colored hair floating in the water in front of me. She smiled and began pulling me somewhere as I passed out from the lack of air…

 

My eyes shot open and I was gasping. My hat dropped into my lap and I snatched it while looking around realizing it was only a dream. I was pouring sweat and on the verge of crying. Why had that dream felt so real? I was shaking, barely able to stand up, and I used the tree as a support beam as I heaved myself onto my feet. I became lightheaded and I closed my eyes and focused. I got my breathing to a steady pace and dug my cell phone out of my pocket.

 

“Four o’clock. Gosh, I have to get back. This trip was worthless,” I said to myself and turned to get my ball.

 

I looked over at the dam where my ball had been, but it wasn’t there. I went over to the edge and looked around but it seemed to have vanished. I paced up and down the creek but the ball was nowhere where I could see and I began believing the so called “good Samaritan” had came and got it but if they did why didn’t they wake me up? Did they want their identity to remain a secret? Frustrated with myself for even coming, I turned around and stomped my foot on the creeks edge only to have it crumble underneath me.

 

I let out a blood curdling scream up to the heavens as I fell into the icy waters below me. My clothes weighed me down as I thrashed back and forth reaching for the top of the water where my precious air was. I tried to stretch to the edge but the current was pushing me in the opposite direction towards the dam. I lunged forward trying not to get close to the dam I’d be pinned against if I couldn’t get away. I was crying but it didn’t matter; my tears only joined the water that was slowly killing me. I finally got my head to pop out of the water briefly but the current quickly drug me back under after my quick breath.

 

I got thrown down to the bottom and landed with a rock being thrown into my back. I tried to gasp but only ended with my lungs encasing water. I thought being on the bottom was a good thing because now I could propel myself upwards by kicking off the rocks. I got my feet to stay put but before I could push up, something scaly brushed against my lower leg, making me lose my footing and slip off the rock. My shoe became entangled in the pile of stones I was standing on and the water was pushing me, forcing the last bit of air to leave me and I couldn’t get more. I let my body move with the water realizing that I most likely wouldn’t get free.

 

Suddenly, I felt cool hands on my face and opened my eyes. I was still underwater but I was breathing. Déjà vu flooded my mind from the dream I had just awakened from. I pushed my hair out of my eyes and saw the golden-brown haired girl, smiling in front of me, cupping the sides of my cheeks. I opened my mouth about to speak but she did first.

 

“Don’t speak. Your weak from fighting the current,” She said, “Hold your breath.”

I nodded and took a breath and she dove downward. I saw her head go down, followed by her exposed back and then I saw… a tail? It was light green, almost the color of her eyes and it was attached to her.

 

Suddenly, there was a tug on my foot and it was free from the rocks. I yanked my head downward to see the girl… the mermaid, unhooking me.

 

“You’re a…” I began but only bubbles came out of my mouth which made me realize I needed more air. She realized it to.

 

“No, do not speak, you need strength,” she whispered, quickly cupping her hands around my face again.

 

This time I felt a disturbance on the sides of my neck. I stretched and pushed my head forward but the feeling was still there. I reached my hand upwards and laid it against my neck that now felt risen with a smooth, squishy feeling to the middle of them. Not my neck. Parts of my neck. I began to panic, anxiety shooting through my veins as I could literally feel my blood temperature rise as I began to push the girl away from me.

 

“Get away! What are you doing to me?” I yelled until I realized I could hear myself. There was more than bubbles floating in front of me carrying my unheard words to the surface.

 

“What am I doing to you? I am saving your life by putting mine in jeopardy,” she replied calmly with a stern look on her face as she began to drag me somewhere.

 

“Why can I breathe? How is this possible?” I asked.

 

“Your neck. I’m giving them what I use to breathe,” she said, looking slightly concerned as she kept pulling me forward but then she came to a sudden stop stopped.

 

I stared at her neck to see parts of it raised and flowing up and down with the water, like gills. I stared until she floated down and I was looking straight into her now gleaming blue eyes. I thought at first I must have caught a reflection of something green that was behind me when she looked at me earlier. I now got the full experience of her look; the scales of her tail stopped a little below her hips in the back but continued up her body to cover her chest in the front. Along one arm, a dark blue marking swirled around her upper triceps and biceps and then abruptly stopped in the crease of her arm. The end of it formed a water drop and faintly shimmered.

 

She twitched her hands and they sent a shiver down my spine, making it tingle and then my entire body began to get warm. A warm current flowed down my throat into my stomach and down my arms and legs. I heard the swish of something swim behind me followed with my hair flowing with its stream. I looked up at one last glance and saw the girl smile frantically.

 

“Close your eyes and go to sleep. You will feel better when you wake.”

 

My eyes slowly lowered but before they completely shut, I caught a glimpse of two similar silhouettes resembling that of the mermaid girl.

. . .

 

After what seemed like hours, my eyes lethargically fluttered opened and I jumped, startled by the voices in the distance. My eyes quivered and I looked around at the dark forest and cuddled myself in my dry jacket. Dry? I sat up and patted my shirt and then jeans, each of them being no wetter than the Sahara Desert. I ran my fingers through my hair but they left being as arid as when they had entered. I sat in shock from the shortage of water that should have been pooled around me after getting out of the water. I was next to a tree though, a tree that was a ways away from the water’s edge.

 

The voices in the distance were coming closer and I looked at the cool water I thought I had seen the girl in. I shrunk down behind the tree and as I could now hear what the voices were saying.

 

“I don’t know! I think maybe one… two! She was over here when we left her.”

 

The voice became clearer, and it sounded in reminiscent of Kelsi’s voice but shaky and frightened. I straightened up and peered around the tree.

 

“Its okay. We will find her,” said a masculine voice, “She couldn’t have gotten far; no one ever goes past the dam and the woods beyond it since three people have disappeared past those points.”

 

“So what if she did go past it? We are stupid teenagers who don‘t know where and where not to go!”

 

It was Kelsi’s voice. I stood up, still dazed from my life-like dream within a dream, and began walking towards her voice.

 

“Kelsi! It’s me, I’m here!” I yelled tripping over bushes and branches and roots and logs.

 

My ankle had a shearing pain striking it with every step I made but I wanted to find Kelsi and tried to pay no attention to it. I kept up my wobbly run but it was getting dark and I couldn’t see. I reached into my pocket and fumbled around for my phone but without success. I probably left it by the tree but turning back was the complete opposite of what I wanted to do.

 

More voices whispered through the trees and I felt my way towards them. I could see streaks of movement and the once beautiful, pine smelling forest became a manifestation of sounds that tingled my skin and made my breath rapidly flutter like hummingbird wings. I got scared and took off blindly in the direction of the voices, attempting to escape the nature blurring around me, tears taking flight from my eyes. That’s when I could see the moving lights.

 

“Someone help! I’m over here!” I yelled to the lights and the silhouettes in the distance.

 

An array of light beams shot in my direction and blinded me, forcing my hand in front of my face. I stumbled forward and tripped, landing on my knees and I looked up, staring at the stampede of people running at me screaming my name.

 

Before I could get up, warm, inviting arms embraced me but I couldn’t back. Whispers filled my head and I couldn’t breathe. The world started spinning and became muddled as my thoughts jumbled together and the whispers became louder.

 

“How could you have done this to us?” one voice hissed.

 

“I do not know, it was as though, she was one of us before this!” another snapped back in an apologizing tone.

 

“Who cares? She took care of it, the girl will not remember one detail. Correct?” a third chimed in.

 

“I think… she will. Gills attached to her neck when I touched her in attempt to draw air from above into her but the gills came. It was hard making them go away too…”

Author's Note

I need hard core critique. This is the second part of the first chapter. It's broken up to make it easier on the reviewer. This is where stuff begins to get interesting...

Reviews

[Kelley Quinn]

Whoa, that was unexpecting! I've always been a softy at heart for mermaids. You've got much more suspense going for you in this chapter. i like it! keep it up.

[Coyote Poetry]

To be saved by mermaids is one of the wonders and mysteries of many myth and story. I like how you set this story up. I like the pace and the characters in this story. I like when the chapter don't rush the story. A good book need strong characters and reason. This story had my attention. A very good chapter.
Coyote

[halflives]

This. Is. Excellent.
I'm absolutely AWFUL at making critique, so I'm just going to tell you that this got SO much more interesting. Mermaids are something that not a lot of people take to light; they're less common then werewolves and especially vampires. And I love how you described the dream. Excellent, excellent, excellent...

[Ian Faraway]

I'm a little concerned about mermaids in the river... I mean is it a big river that goes down deep (well obviously but still)? Maybe while she's doing her presentation, have her comment on the steep river. Because I thought it was a river that was a few yards across and only a few feet down. Other than that you got me a little more interested in the story.... there were few grammatical errors in this part so I applaud.

[Cassandra D.]

I think the imagery is perfect in this chapter. There is enough description to keep the reader interested in your tale.

[.shalynn.009.]

Still some unescessarily wordy phrases adn some awkward parts, but all in all you're doing well. One nitpicky note I'll give you for later: try to start out your sentences differently, so their structure isn't always the same. For example, try to avoid as much as possible starting out sentences with the same word twice in a paragraph. Also, don't always start a sentence with the subject. Try starting with a verb or an adverb. This adds variety to the structure of te sentences, which makes your writing style better and your writing more interesting to the reader. Again, this can be done later in the revision stages.

Also, I was wondering what kind of an English class you're taing. You're in high school right? I would suggest getting into the highest English class that you can, because you learn about all kinds of writing and about literature and techniques (symbolism, foreshadowing, etc, things that would be good for your book). It was very eneficial to me, although I went to an accelerated school and had two great teachers my junior senior year who really kicked my a*s in the writing deparmtent. Could be helpful for you. Just a suggestion. Good job so far.

[Viki Rachel]

This is definitely better than the first part.
An unexpected twist. I'm adding this to my favorites.

[steph]

You did a better job on your discription than you did on the first part. The chapter breaks are goo. esspecially for a reader (I call them book potty breaks lol) and you have now peaked my interest with the story. Good job

[Call Me Blu]

So what if she did go past it? We are ignorant teenagers who don’t know this stuff!”
improve the last part of this line. It sounds awkward

[Cherrie Palmer]

This is a better chapter, it has more continuity.