Broken Part I

Shelby's town has a tradition of tossing small purchases in the creek near their mall but when it doesn't add up on how they disappear, Shelby and her friends investigate, only to have tragety hit...

Chapter one

Broken

Part I

　

　

　

I walked to the front of the class, looked around and waited for Mr. Coombs to stop scribbling something on the previous person’s grading sheet. Finally, he set down his pencil, locked eyes with me and waved me to begin, therefore, I did.

 

“There’s a bridge on the edge of town that everyone walks over. They have to since it’s the only way to get to the town’s mall after they park their car. With the bridge comes a tradition though; when leaving you must toss one of your purchases into the creek below. It is said that an ancestor from our town, Randolf Higgory, began this tradition.

 

“Higgory was one of the more wealthy in the town and had been going to the mall for new business suits and presents for his spoiled daughter, Morgan. When he was coming back from the original mall that had been built before ours, he was crossing the bridge, only to have a big gust of wind come and sweep a small trinket out of his hands. The trinket rolled off the bridge before being dropped into the creek. He was about to chase after it when a small orphaned child came out of the trees surrounding the river, bent over and picked it up. She was small, probably no older than eight, had brown hair and big, glassy brown eyes to match. The orphaned child looked at the trinket, a small stuffed bear, with longing. Nevertheless, she brought it back up the hill to Randolf and handed it back to him. Randolf looked at the petite, frail child who was walking back down the hill towards the trees.”

 

“Little girl!” cried Randolf as he trudged down the hill after the child.

 

“The girl turned around and as she did, Randolf put the stuffed animal into her hands and wrapped her feeble fingers around it. The little girl was ecstatic and ran off into the woods with her new and only toy. Randolf had seen the joy in the girl’s eyes and every time he passed over the bridge from shopping, he tossed something into the water for the little girl. Each time the girl came out of the trees and gathered the item in the water… until one day.“

 

“Randolf had watched the child turn into a teenaged girl and believed she needed more mature gifts. He flung paper and pencils in a small bag into the creek so she could learn to write and then, he waited. The girl never came. Every time he would toss something into the creek and wait, and eventually others began to do it too. They still do it to this day. Not everyone does it though because some people don’t know about it or they don’t have a purchase they want to throw in. A few years ago, we had to stop because investigators said that we were littering but after a three mile search of finding nothing in the water, they concluded that good Samaritans were cleaning the creek.”

 

“That is why we sometimes toss little things we buy into the creek,” I said with a final huff, finishing up right before the bell rang. We had had the paper to work on for over two weeks but I procrastinated and did it last night. A ten minute speech summarized in three minutes, my usual communication arts work.

 

I grabbed my paper, scribbled my name in the upper right hand corner and handed it to Mr. Coombs, my last block teacher. He looked at me in dismay but let me leave without his usual, you could have done so much better or you have so much potential speech. First, doesn’t he know that saying so makes you sound like you don’t have the ability to think of better words and second, it was Friday and, I guess, even teachers have plans.

 

I crammed my books in my locker then pushed the door closed quickly because it creaked. I began walking down the crowded hallway, nudging my way to the door, as I pulled out my phone. My friends and I had been planning a mall trip for the past couple of weeks and they were spending the night at my house before we left in the morning. I texted them to come over whenever they felt like it and was nearly out the door when my phone dinged, signaling they both responded with the usual ok. I crammed my phone back in my pocket and headed out to my car. Rain was trickling from the heavens as the temperature kept dropping. I pulled my sweatshirt’s hood over my long brown hair and trudged over to my truck. It was white, banged up, rusted in the back… pretty much a piece of crap, but it was mine. I stuck in the keys then twisted and jiggled the handle till the door moaned and popped open for me. I threw my bag in the back and ducked inside and scooted into the driver’s seat.

 

Parking lot furiousness overcame me as I waited ten minutes before I could even back out of my parking space, forced to listen to the static channel on the radio that was on every station. Impatiently, I tapped my fingers on the black steering wheel. An eternity after that, I was finally able to let my truck free as I sped down the road out of the school lot.

 

Giant globs of water thumped against the hood as I drove the ten miles down North Highway to my house. There was an eerie quiet with only the faint outline of dim headlights that belonged to the one car I passed. I concentrated on the road and the sounds of the storm. Thunder rumbled like it was the overpowering roar of the laughter of the God’s. It made my truck shiver as it passed over the coal black asphalt as I approached my driveway. My driveway was the only one down the entire road that still was filled with loose gravel and worn-down pot holes large enough to engulf a tire if not careful. It was about fifty feet long and my truck had splatters of mud-paint caked all over it when I finally reached the house.

 

I jerked the keys out, waiting for my truck to dully roar hinting it turned off, before I made a run towards the house. My feet squished against the runny muck and struck the hard pieces of gravel on my way to the sidewalk. I jumped the hedge instead of going around it on my desperate way to refuge until I hit the concrete pathway that led me to the sheltered front porch. I turned at the rumble of Kelsi’s car as it began to pull into my driveway. I waved and turned to unlock the door with the key hidden in the thermometer next to the doorbell. It was cold and my freezing fingers fumbled to get the key out of the case holding it.

 

I finally pried the key out of the back of the case and shut the thermometer box when I began to hear wet footsteps scuttling across the sidewalk towards me. I was trying to place the key in the hole to unlock the door as Kelsi scurried beside me.

 

“Can you hurry up Shelby? Its thirty-five out here and all we have on are jackets and

torn up gloves. I‘m surprised this rain isn‘t snow,” She said, her breath omitting a white fog .

 

“I’m sorry, I’m just so cold. The heater is busted in my truck again and the window wouldn’t shut all the way…” I mumbled, finally sticking the key in and opening the door.

 

We walked in, throwing our bags on my couch in the living room, then walked into the kitchen. I opened the fridge as Kelsi began opening the cabinets. Kelsi was tall with dark hair and hazel brown eyes that always made me jealous since mine were only a solid green muck. I grabbed a carton of milk and a couple glasses and Kelsi grabbed the double stuffed Oreos. We sat at my wooden table and opened the Oreos and poured some milk, periodically checking the time.

 

“How late till Samantha gets here do you think?” I asked, separating the two sides of my Oreo.

 

“Oh, who knows? She had to take her boyfriend home again. Wouldn’t it be nice if she could snag a guy who could drive her home?” She said with a smirk.

 

I giggled and looked down at my now soggy, milk filled cookie as I stirred it around in my glass. We always joked about her. Sure, she was our best friend but when it came to good decisions, she didn’t make them. I’m not saying I never have made a mistake but, I don’t make the same one time after time.

 

“Maybe when she goes to college she will. She’ll be forced to be around guys with cars!” I exclaimed.

 

“Oh no! Not guys that have cars and can actually drive them!” Kelsi mocked as we both burst with laughter.

 

About half an hour later, Samantha pulled in the driveway. We heard her car door shut, followed by her faint footsteps bouncing against the wet mud puddles until she reached the door. She walked in, her dirty blonde hair dripping and her blue eyes furious as she came and sat with us.

 

“Where’s my milk and cookies?” she asked, tossing her bags under the table.

 

“You got here too late. They’re all gone,” Kelsi said making a frown melt down her face.

 

“You know where the cups are, grab one and pour some milk and grab a cookie if you want one that bad,” I yawned getting up to grab some chocolate syrup.

 

“Everyone is talking about your fantastic report you did last block today. They said it was what, two… three minutes long? He’s going to fail you again. Why don’t you just write a good paper? We know you can do it, you want to be an author,” Kelsi asked while licking the cream out of the center of the Oreo.

 

“I know I can do better, and yes, becoming an author is my dream. That’s exactly why I don’t do well now. I want everyone to see how amazing I can write when my first book hit’s the shelves,” I blabbed as I went into my own world, dreaming about my book being read by all.

 

“You are pretty damn smart. You know a big word for every little word I know!” Samantha exclaimed.

 

“Yeah, like diminutive. Its another word for little.”

 

“Exactly! See what I mean?”

 

“Yes, I see what you mean.”

 

We sat and talked until it was around four and then we crammed into my truck and drove to the movie rental store in town. We got a few movies and came back and popped in the scary one. Scary movies weren’t my favorite but Kelsi and Samantha enjoyed them so I could stand one. After that movie we watched the rest and had pizza for dinner. Finally we passed out to the soundtrack of movie we were watching about a girl getting lost only to have dreams about the shopping trip the next day.

 

. . .

 

I threw a pillow at Kelsi in an attempt to wake her up. She tossed and turned a little but then stopped and remained still. I used my blanket to throw at her now since I already used my pillow in my first failed attempt. This time there wasn’t even a speck of movement from her. Giving up, I struggled to my feet and trudged over to her.

 

“Kelsi, Samantha, get up, it’s seven,” I moaned, kicking their pillows in my last desperate attempt to get them to open their eyes.

 

They each made a few funny sounds but didn’t budge. I stepped over them, not too carefully, and walked into the kitchen. There was a note lying on the table.

 

Hey chickie. I had to go to work early but I put frozen waffles in the fridge to thaw out. I made sure to buy butter and syrup for them which is also in the fridge. Your father should be back by noon but by then you’ll probably have spent all the money you saved for today and are just window shopping. I’ll see you tonight!

-Mom

 

I smiled because she knew waffles were my favorite only when smothered in butter and drizzled with syrup. I crumpled the note and threw it in the recycling bin. Waffles were the perfect reason for Samantha and Kelsi to un-crust their eyes and get ready for the perfect day of shopping. I went to the fridge and pulled out the bag of half frozen waffles along with all the condiments mom had bought and the ones that were in the fridge that I thought Kelsi and Samantha might want.

 

“What’s for breakfast?” Kelsi mumbled as she walked in wearing our matching sleepwear; a long, off the shoulder dress that comes right above the knees.

 

“Waffles.”

 

“Oh yum, I love your house because you always have waffles. Whipped cream?”

 

“Yes, it’s always here incase I have a rainy day,” I said as the timer beeped for the waffles. I opened the iron the waffles were about to burn in and forked one as I pulled a plate out of the cabinet to lay the waffles on. The steam rising off them skipped around looking for noses to enter to make us hungrier.

 

“Those smell like those waffle kind of foods,” Samantha whispered as she wobbled in, still half asleep. She plopped down in a chair and laid her head on the table, almost falling asleep again.

 

“Samantha! Wake up, it’s shopping time!” Kelsi screamed right next to Samantha’s head.

 

“Gosh, okay. Just shut up and give me a waffle,” she yelled back.

 

We ate quickly, mixing the butter with the syrup; licking it off our fingers as it slid down them, making them sticky and slick at the same time. We passed napkins around and

then threw our paper plates in the bin and put everything else where it was suppose to be. Kelsi grabbed her keys and we followed her. We were taking her car seeing it was the

biggest which provided more bag space.We piled in her hybrid and set off to the mall. We listened to music and sang along, having a good time like friends do. As Kelsi drove, Samantha and I were in the back calculating the fastest root to all of our favorite stores and digging through our purses for coupons and cards. We parked in the malls parking lot about twenty minutes later and began walking towards the mall. We walked to the edge of the bridge and watched a girl fling a small plastic bracelet into the creek below.

 

“I still don’t get how that stuff get’s out of the creek. Some of it doesn’t float, it just sinks and yet, people don’t find it or see the people who supposedly clean it out,” Samantha said as we watched the bracelet float down the creek and get stuck in a tree branch that was snagged on the creek bed.

 

“I know. It’s a mystery. Do you think fish eat them? Are there even fish in the creek? I heard Jessica say all the fish died because of what people throw in there, ” Kelsi

exclaimed.

 

“There have to be fish in there somewhere, it’s connected to the ocean like 200 miles down, or something like that,” I explained to them, “Maybe we can find something and throw it in and follow it and see where it goes.”

 

“And we can hide in the trees to follow it! That way, we can see how it gets out of the water!” Samantha said, putting her two cents in.

 

We went in the mall and there were hundreds of people already there. It was as though we were ants packed in dirt, scrambling around for the best food brought in when in reality, we were only sale hungry teens ready to fight for the best deal. Elbowing our way through the crowd, we made it to our favorite store, Wreckage, and started there.

Author's Note

Once more, hard core critique please. How is the character development, plot, is it understandable, ect. I broke this chapter into 3 parts now so it would be easier to review. This is the beginning so not that much is going on yet, but there are a few chunks of foreshadowing if you want to try to guess them;)

Reviews

[The Perfectionist]

Something I like doing when I read a piece of some length is to break the review up into segments, commenting on each part as I go.

- Part One: Currently main character is at parking lot, leaving school
The first bit is a little confusing to read because you're telling a story from a character's perspective without making that obvious. The use of quotations hints at it, but I would make that clearer somehow if I were you. Opening with dialogue only really works if we already know someone is speaking.

Further, your English is a little strange. Certain parts, like "It was dark, rainy, and cold. I pulled my sweatshirt's hood over my long brown hair" stick out. Description is good, but it should come naturally as part of the story. That feels more like exposition for exposition's sake. It's not necessarily bad, but it is obvious. Some of your sentences could also be worded better, and you have at least a couple run-ons strewn throughout (the opening sentence of the 'parking lot' paragraph is a good example)

- Part Two: Sleepover
Okay, same thing "coal black asphalt". This is assumed to be familiar territory for your character and you're giving her internal monologue, so what you're writing as exposition is taken by the reader to be her thoughts. No one thinks that about somewhere they know like the back of their hand. There is such a thing as too much description. Also, in that first paragraph, you want to say gods', not god's.

You need a comma after 'asked' when she's playing with her Oreos

Don't say 'about half an hour later at three thirty'. That's redundant. Just stick with about half an hour later. We don't need to know the actual time (though I'm wondering where they go to high school that they can get home from a ten mile drive at three).

Also, Sam got there 'too late' not 'to late'. Comma after 'Kelsi said' and 'yawned' and 'Kelsi asked'. In general, when you're adding a dialogue tag, if you have an action afterwards, you want a comma in there.

'hits the shelves', not 'hit the shelves'

Okay, the dialogue is alright, but your description surrounding it is just dry. The whole narration is said without any emotion or any passion, which is really freaking weird in context because teenage girls tend to be buckets of emotion and you're writing this from Shelby's perspective.

Part Three: Shopping
Does anyone actually say 'Whip cream'? Pretty sure it's whipped cream or whipping cream
'In case' is two words
The sentence that follows that about opening the iron is just atrociously written. Rework that so it's readable.
Plus side: The line about steam looking for noses is your best point of description thus far

Okay, I'm going to stop doing this here and just keep reading until the end. You need to actually proofread this; there are far too many spelling and grammatical errors for me to quote every one for you.


Like a toddler waving a broadsword around, you have a good weapon but no idea how to use it. Your vocabulary is decently large but you never use it to any decent effect. All of your descriptions are baseless and dry, and there's no emotion in this thing at all. What I presume was supposed to be a shocking moment, when she falls into the creek, just made me laugh because of how you worded it.

This chapter is also way too long. you could have made it into three, easily, by breaking it up where you have those dotted lines. It's too much and too disconnected.

Okay, I'm finally done. Where to even begin now...well, I've said a lot already, so I won't repeat myself too much. There are a lot of corrections above, but your biggest problem is that this is flat. There's absolutely no emotion, no feeling to any of this at all. Shelby's a teenage girl, she should be BURSTING with feelings and quirks and life and you've given her nothing at all. This is about as emotional as a documentary on the life and times of the least interesting man on the planet.

As for character development, there is none. Shelby doesn't learn or grow or expand and neither does anyone else. For all of this length, it all just sits there, doing nothing.

The plot COULD work (certainly better than some other stories with teenage girl protagonists I could think of) but you're mishandling it so badly that it was a chore just to get through to the end. You've got too many unnecessary descriptive words and not enough ones that actually draw us into the story.

[SoLongAndThanksForAllTh..]

E H Monroe has already done a fabulous review of this but here's my thoughts. Hopefully they'll be helpful.

This shows a lot of promise. You’ve clearly thought about how to develop the characters and given the reader a reason to continue in the mystery behind the gifts in the creek.

Your writing style is good with no major grammatical problems although I did notice a small slip in tense in the car park scene when you move from the past “I waited”, to the present “I tap” and back to the past “I sped” in a single paragraph. Things like this are just a minor issue though and will come out after a thorough proof reading.

You manage to include a good amount of detail in your scenes but sometimes it can seem a little too focused on the minutia. Sometimes a good writer will include what may seem trivial but actually speaks volumes about a character. I guess it’s the difference between, “Fred lit and cigarette” and “Fred lit the cigarette with difficulty, his hands shook but he needed that hit of nicotine”. Hopefully in the latter case I’ve managed to tell the reader that not only does Fred smoke but he’s under pressure or scared, maybe he’s a heavy smoker or just desperate to relax. The way people perform mundane actions is how character development often takes place in movies. We’d soon grow tired of people saying, “I feel...” or a narrator butting in with “Fred felt...”

So, overall I’d say this is well written. What I’d recommend now is that you re-read it and after every few paragraphs ask yourself what function they served (e.g. was it building tension, saying something about a character, providing vital dialogue etc.) and edit accordingly. Good luck!

[Chloe..Across the Unive..]

Very interesting. I am wondering about the orphan girl.. what happened to her ect.
A good beginning. I am not too fond of the cookies and milk part...just because to me it sounds a little unrealistic for today ...
You wrote well with describing the characters and giving them personality.
I am no one to tell you or anyone how to write because I cannot write so well especially a book ... that you have written this and other chapters amazes me and i applaud you for it. I am very intrigued , so you got and kept my attention.. as soon as i have time i will be reading more to see what happens... really good writing!

Chloe

[Viki Rachel]

It seems like a real book to me; I can see this kind of book being on the shelf. It's just so realistic, and I didn't really see any grammar errors. I like the whole toss your purchase into the water thing, it's clever. The book would otherwise be boring if it were only three girls going to the mall! I see some foreshadowing with that part (toss in the water, I mean), I do wonder...

[.shalynn.009.]

For now, I just have some general points, but I promise I'll get more specific once I've read more of your story. You are doing a very good job, but I agree with Monroe, that you may want to watch the wordiness. Have you ever heard "Show, don't tell"? This is very important, adn you are doing a good job with this, Of course, everything in moderation, you don't want to get too overboard with it (again, the wordiness thing) but you want to watch just stating things. Reveal them throughout the story.

I would work on strongly differentiating the characters from each other in the beginning, or it might get confusing trying to kepp track of which friend is which. But obviously these are details that can be worked out in later drafts.

Two thing I have learned in literature: you want to watch the passive words (is, are, was were, be) because they tend to drag it down. This again goes with "show don't tell". The other thing is that you want to mainly use "said" when dialogue is used. I know, this seemes like bad writing, constantly using said, but it has it's point. mediocre writing uses the endless verbs that all basically mean said, and this makes the reader feel that the author wasn't confident in their conviction that the dialogue would get the emotions across. Obviously you can still use words other than said, but my suggestion is to minimize the use of these other verbs.

Lastly in the general suggestions, if I were you, I would read a lot. Books in your genre are a must, obviously, but also books that are polar opposites. You need a wide range of experience in all kinds of writing. Pay attention to what the published authors do, their techniques, their styles. Don't copycat, but use what they do to develop your own style.

Other than that, you are doing well. I will keep reading and get more specific to your story and characters once I get to know it/them.

[Short.Nerd]

I like it.. Seems like it could be interesting. When's she is giving her presentation I would do that in italics. Good job overall (:

[Marie Harrison]

I just did a quick read through. But I really enjoyed how you started the story out with a short story read in front of the class. Very interesting. I loved the scene of the girls eating cookies and drinking milk in the house. The scene of fresh waffles being made. To me that's the setting of real life. Loved how you ended the chapter by going shopping for clothes with friends. Promising first chapter to your story.

[GrandDystopia]

Really good. you just know you like something when you feel compelled to click on the "next chapter" button.
Good characters, Good story, not seeing much to nitpick about at the moment.
Must. Read. More

[Call Me Blu]

Like this alot, I had to almost force myself to review because my cursor kept finding it's way back to the next chapter button:)

[Alicante lullaby]

i dont have any hard core critique becoz i relished each and every word though i do believe some bits are alot more detailed and sometimes you lose attention ,like at your returning from school...but the overall story/chapter kept me hooked all the way...impeccable piece of writing...thanks for sharin'...
p.s,i agree you do have loads of potential...

[JulieNorell]

I like it! BUt when Samantha was arriving you may be able to hear her car door closing but you cant hear her footsteps. Especially if it is raining. The noise of the rain on the roof would be to loud to hear soft sounds, plus if its muddy it would soften the sound even more. Good job though I like it a lot.