Breath Of Life

It only takes one night to change someone's life and that's how it is for Chloe Perdut. Her parents pass away during an epic battle between light and dark, only to have her own life slowly fade.

CHAPTER ONE: BREATH OF LIFE

“She's stopped breathing,” A woman cried out as she tumbled to the ground, landing on her knees. She unfolded her arms that had been pressed tightly to her chest, revealing a small baby girl. While laying the baby onto the cold, blackening earth, she cowered in fear as the battle she just escaped from continued to rage around her. She turned to the woman on her right, her voice quivering, “Quickly, call the others and bring Maeva here.”

The woman she talked to was tall and skinny, her spine peaking through her skin with a pair of spiraling golden horns attached to her skull. Her face was masked like a racoon's with a thick streak of black melting from her forehead to the crook in her nose. She nodded slowly before placing her thumb on the round tattoo that sat on the back of her neck. Her lips parted and she inhaled as she closed her eyes and lifted her head high where a battle in the sky took place. Within moments, eight more women appeared from the air and stood surrounding the baby. The horned woman sank into the grass and became nothing more than a shadow as she then went to retrieve Maeva.

One of the women took a large step forward. She wore a gold sequined gown that would have grazed the ground if it wasn't shredded up to her knees. Her hair was slicked back as if she had just arose from the ocean and there was a layer of black coal surrounding her eyes. Her entire being exuded a wolf like fierceness.

 

“Why did you bring us here May? We are mid war, did you not notice?” Her words spewed from her mouth like acid, “And what is that?”

 

The woman motion towards the baby still lying in the grass, “A child? You took us all out of battle to see some child?”

 

“Selene, that's not fair. You know all Anthoussai must protect those who cannot protect themselves,” the woman who spoke smiled in May's direction. Like the others, her look was distinctive. Her face was small and round and her eyes matched that. Her hair was curly and a deep red like the freshly drawn blood that could be seen on many of the woman’s clothes and arms, “Now where did you send Diana off to?”

 

“I sent her to get Maeva. This child... I can't save her and it was her mother's wish that I do,” she glanced nervously at the child, “I know what Maeva must do to save her and most of you will not approve.”

 

A brief crackling sounded in the air above them before a blinding flash abruptly exploded by May. Diana and another woman standing in a simple white satin dress with caramel hair resting softly on her shoulders and an expression so gentle it could tame the fiercest of beasts, stood beside her.

 

“Why have you brought me here May?” Maeva asked, her arms crossed.

 

“Maeva, this child drank the dark waters the nagas drowned her parents in. Her mother only wanted her safe, I need your help. The mermaids were helping her mother, saying she had a better chance to live than her daughter here. She took one of the daggers off the mermaid helping her and took her own mortal life for her daughter. She sacrificed herself for her daughter. A sacrifice cannot go unpaid for; if we don't save her, consequences will follow. She's dying, you have to do the transfer,” May listened as the explosion of gasps and whispers surrounded her.

 

“You're a crazy fool if you think I will participate in the transfer like the leader before myself,” The head of the Oreiades tribe spit on the ground, “A fool.”

 

“I can't May. The transfer can only be done by a dark sorceress, I'm for the light,” The gentleness that rested in her eyes moments ago had turned to fear, “Are you sure it's worth it May? The transfer?”

 

“Yes. The events that would unfold if it's not done would tear our kingdom apart. The sun would stop rising, the waves would thrash on our shores, the ground would become a constant tremor. Besides, this is a child's life we're talking of,” May said, “Now summon her. Summon Desdemonda.”

 

As if the name itself directed her to that very spot, a woman appeared out of the shadows. Her head was cloaked in a large dark hood that was attached to the pitch black dress she wore. The sleeves webbed themselves in between her fingers with delicate lace and the bottomed draped across the ground where she stood. She lifted her head and let her fingers curl around the edge of the hood, gradually easing it off her head. Her blonde hair stood out against her clothes and the dark eye makeup she wore. A menacing smirk slid upwards towards her cheeks as she began to walk forward.

 

“Well, well. It's not every day I get called by a tribe leader,” she sauntered about among the leaders, most struck by fear with her being among them. Her powers didn't trounce all of theirs, but she was clever, cunning, full of rage and, most importantly, not afraid to use forbidden magic to get her way, “Now to whom do I owe the pleasure for this call? Especially on such an interesting night?”

 

“M-Me,” May choked on the words, “I n-need your help with this--”

 

“Ah, May Drosera! Leader of the Anthoussai Nymph Tribe for the past 79 years, no? Your near immortality has done you well. You don't look a day over 25,” She sneered sarcastically as she made her way towards May. Her hand grazed the crown of flowers that circled May's head before she crouched down in front of her, “You know, I often compare your tribe to the flowers you nurture; so soft, so delicate.”

 

Desdemonda's hand gently made its way to a light pink rose on the crown, which she plucked, “So easy to destroy,” she took the flower in the palm of her hand, covered it with the other and squeezed her hands shut, only opening them again to reveal the gray ash that replaced the once beautiful flower, “Never summon me again.”

 

She got up to leave, but May launched herself forward, grabbing Desdemonda's arm, “Wait!”

 

Desdemonda raised her clawed hand, suddenly a-glow with magic, “If you value your life--”

 

“If you value your life you'll lower your hand,” The leader of the Dryads, Halni Hamar, pressed the tip of her spear against the porcelain skin covering Desdemonda's throat.

Desdemonda smirked again, her hand returning to its normal state, “Dryads. The bravest and, subsequently, the most idiotic of them all. Well you have my attention now, speak now before it's lost.”

 

May picked up the baby, now starting to grow cold, and stood in front of her, “I need you to do the transfer on this child. I can't let her die,” May spurted out with a shaky voice.

 

“You realize that the only other successful transferee is out there right now leading the battle for the dark side?” Desdemonda placed her hand on the child, “However, it is the only way to save her and besides,” her eyes traveled up and caught May's, “I like the dark side.”

 

She smirked and then, as though a revelation occurred, a greater smile spread ear to ear, revealing her white, sharpened teeth. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a black crystal tied onto what appeared to be a simple silver chain.

 

“I can contain the powers that are about to be transferred to this mortal child for sixteen years, unlike with, well you should obviously know who. As soon as this crystal turns completely white, remove it and it will redraw the powers from her, turning her mortal again, but she keeps the life she gained from all of you,” She hung the necklace around the child's neck, “Let's began then, shall we?”

 

“No, I'd rather the kingdom fall than do this. Find a way to do it without me, I want no part in this darkness,” The Oreiades tribe leader stated in her deep Russian accent, “I can feel the air thicken with it by simply talking about this deed.”

 

“Same with me. You are all mad, I don't want a second war from this because another has too much power,” Selene agreed. They began walking away, back into the direction of the battle.

 

“You disrespectful lunatic leaders! I offer to help you and you reject such a courteous proposal?” In a blink of an eye, she blocked their path and had her hand pressed deeply around their throats, pushing them back, “I wasn't even willing to let this child die, but you two spineless women who think of yourselves as defenders of the weak were.”

 

“Besides, I never said anything about you having to do this willingly,” Desdemonda moved her hands from their throats to their lips, wrapped her hand around an object no one else could see, and pulled. The two leaders mouths shot open and a shimmering, sliver fog left their lips and drifted down. Desdemonda moved her hands in the direction of the baby and the fog followed. She willed it strait to the crystal, which welcomed it with a glow, “A little life, for a little life form.”

One-by-one Desdemonda took a breath of life from the leaders and led it to the crystal.

“Now we only need a breath from the mite,” Desdemonda said towards the child. She sat by the baby and fluidly paced her hand back and forth before hovering over the mouth. A silver stream of fog slipped through its pale blue lips and traveled like a ghost down to the crystal.

 

The crystal rested on the edge of Desdemonda's fingertips as she pressed it to the child's chest. Her voice was soft, only heard by the wind carrying her whispers, “Unum ad alterum transferre.”

 

The crystal glowed a deep red before she released it. It seemed to drink in the life it had taken before releasing it throughout the baby's body and, at that moment, the color returned to the child's skin. Her chest slowly began to move towards heaven then hell as the life re-entered her body.

 

“Perfect,” Desdemonda purred. She picked up the child and began carrying her towards the group, “Now who's going to take it? Keep in mind, if the naga find her, this won't be the last war to be fought.”

 

“I will,” a voice from behind the group carried to the front. The sea of leaders parted and Maeva hesitantly took a step forward, “I can protect her, conceal her with a cloaking spell so she cannot be found unless she leaves the boundaries.”

 

Desdemonda cracked a wide smile as she sashayed towards Maeva with a bounce in her step.

“Little Maeva! My baby sister,” She put the child into Maeva's arms and pinched her cheek, but her hand was quickly smacked away, “You're going to watch after this child? Keep her well hidden, the naga will want her power for themselves.”

 

Her voice lowered and she inched her lips to Maeva's ear. She drew out each individual syllable as she spoke, “They probably already detect it.”

 

Desdemonda pulled back and cocked her head to the side. Her hooded eyelids drooped down and she stared at May, “What do you call the child anyway?”

 

“Chloe,” she mumbled, “Chloe Perdut is her name.”

 

“Take care of Miss Perdut then,” she called out as her dark figure disappeared into the woods.

 

Halni's short figure pushed her way forward to Maeva. Concern furrowed it's way between her brows, “Are you sure you can protect her Maeva? Protect her for 16 years? You have to--” A strike of lightning struck the ground behind her and Desdemonda reappeared, a curved knife in hand that she bore straight into Halni's back.

 

“I forgot to do that before I left. Wouldn't want you thinking I'm going soft now would I?” she slid the knife out and watched Halni's body drop to the ground before letting loose a malicious cackle. Many of the other tribe leaders launched themselves at her, but as soon as they touched her, her body turned into a black fog, her haunting last laugh being the only remaining piece of her.

Author's Note

Give it to me, good and bad.

Reviews

[Emma Olsen]

So, I liked how much description you had of the appearance of the women, but there were so many of them and none of them were really defining themselves from the others except for May and Desdemona - even then I felt I had to go back and re-read to figure out who was who. I get that you're trying to foreshadow, but you're leaving everything way too vague. I have no idea who's fighting, or why, and I don't think I get a clear idea of any of the characters or their motivations - or why they're walking away from a battle for whatever's going on with the character I'm assuming is going to be your main one. You either need to simplify or make this longer. If you could even just tell me who's on what side when they show up that'd be helpful - or what the sides are and what they're fighting for. Why is Desdemona not going to help and then does? Why aren't these guys at each others throats? Why do these people need to be the particular ones to show up? Does it have to be them? I almost feel like I'd rather May just search out Desdemona or something to make a scene that's a bit more comprehensible. There are just too many people hanging out, and I have no idea or attachment to any of them. If you want to keep them, you'll need to work in some descriptions and backgrounds on at least the ones who talk. You've got physical descriptions, but facial features, characteristics, or ticks would really help to keep them straight. Immediately attributing names, too, would be helpful, and making sure that all your dialogue is not only character specific but also is clearly marked with who is supposed to be saying it. I would rather have fewer, more well-developed characters. I think you're seeing them in your head, but I don't think you know them - not on the personal, intimate level that authors should strive to know their characters on. I say this because Desdemona seems to be all over the place in terms of motivation. I don't know what her reasons are for doing what she does, and spontaneity can be fine, but it needs to make sense in a greater context. Don't tell me who she is - show me. Her first interaction with May is great, but then I'm not sure why she changes her mind. Maybe she hurts Halni because Halni threatens her, but on my first read I had to go back and remind myself who Halni even was. Why is Halni so open to attack if she's a tribe leader and, presumably, a powerful immortal dryad who seems to have some skill in battle? (I inferred most of this, so I might be wrong on some points.) Coming to that, why are immortals bothering to fight each other, anyways? Isn't that a bit pointless if you can't kill someone? Or can they? Seems strange. I feel like there are some logic and plot holes in this you need to consider more - or at least explain the world so that I can understand them. For instance, where are humans? What time period is this? What was the mother doing in the middle of a warzone? Why were mermaids in naga-infested waters? What was May doing there with them? How far has she come to find these people - and why, if they can just materialize wherever they want? Why would the mermaids care about saving a human and her child in the middle of a war - especially if no one else seems to really care about saving a human life? Why are they all okay with just leaving in the middle of battle, anyways? Weren't any of them in the middle of something? Who's fighting?
I'm sure you have the answers to some of these, but I think you need to easily be able to answer all those questions and definitely some of the answers should be in here. I'm just lost, in terms of context. I think you might want to re-think where you're having this interaction and where it starts. I think it would be so much more compelling to start with May and the mermaids saving the baby instead of having it explained to me in dialogue. I don't see the point of them even leaving that area if the child's dying - why waste time? It's strange, because all this action seems to be happening around May but it also feels like this interaction is full of a lot of waiting and stalling rather than action. There's a lot of talking and the descriptions show me the characters but don't really do much to further the plot. There's also no sense that the child is struggling or dying the whole time. May just kind of has it somewhere. I need more of a sense of urgency, I think, more fear that something bad will happen. You're not really conjuring a mood or establishing a tone with your words. Try to use them more - for instance, show some of May's fear of Desdemona when Desdemona shows up and show how desperate May's become and why, exactly, May is doing this and why it's important. I tried to do a quick rewrite to show what I mean: "As if the name itself directed her to that very spot, a woman appeared out of the shadows, causing May to shiver and clutch the limp child closer to her bosom. As the woman pushed back the large, dark hood away from her face, May recognized Desdemona, who she both feared and knew was this child's only hope." Try to make your descriptions do more, especially when there's a lot you need to establish in such a short period of time. When you're working with science fiction or fantasy it's important to establish the main rules of your universe quickly while still advancing the plot.

In addition, you have some beautiful descriptions of your characters, but I have no idea of the setting, here. Where are they? There's a battle going on above, okay . . . but is it over a field? A forest? A lake? What does it sound like? Who seems to be winning the battle? Where does May stop? Why does she think it's safe? Give the reader a bit more grounding to see this place, this battle, and why it's important.

Finally, as said above, I do think you have a talent for descriptions, but you tend to word things a little awkwardly. I think you just have a lot of words that aren't really doing anything in some of your sentences, making them sound wordy and confusing. For instance: "She unfolded her arms that had been pressed tightly to her chest, revealing a small baby girl." A better rewrite, trying to make the action more direct, could be: "She unfolded her arms from her chest, revealing a small baby girl." "While laying the baby onto the cold, blackening earth, she cowered in fear as the battle she just escaped from continued to rage around her." becomes "May cowered in fear, just out of reach of the battle still raging behind her, and laid the baby onto the cold, blackened earth." Try for more directness - I think that might help a lot with some of the confusion I had, since I think some of your sentence construction is just unnecessarily complex. You might want to check out the book The Elements of Style, but I think the main thing to look out for is making sure you avoid separating the subject(s) and verb(s) too far apart.

Anyways, this got long. I do think this has potential. Your descriptions were really fresh, though I think simplifying them will make them easier to imagine, and you do have a good hook and some effective foreshadowing here. I just need more info, as a reader, especially if you're going to give me this many words. =P Keep editing this and you'll definitely be able to have a strong opening chapter, one that would motivate me to continue reading the rest of the book. I'm interested in your universe and its rules - just give me the same attachment to your characters. Since you offered to look at my work, I would love some feedback on any part of my book I have up on here, called The Other Breed. Let me know if you want me to look at any rewrite you post and good luck!

[Aethereal]

You have defined the characters, and the conflict that should carry you on through the rest of this book of fantasy. Is it a battle between “light and dark” , “or order and chaos“? Is this book about an escape from confusion and Pandemonium? Freedom and Tyranny? You have set up a contrasting dichotomy, and the battle lines have been drawn.

“The woman motion towards the baby” should be “The women motioned towards the baby…”

Should “nagas” be capitalized to Nagas?

“and the bottomed draped across the ground…” should be “ and the bottom draped across the ground..”

“dark side” ? Just say “dark” or perhaps “shades”, or “abyss” or “Pandemonium” or “ chaos” because this isn’t Star Wars.

“Let’s began then,..” should be “Let’s begin then..”

“The two leaders mouths..” should be “The two leader’s mouths…”

[Miles W.]

Very interesting. I was confused sometimes, but I am sure it will all be explained overtime. Nice read. Do you mind checking out my book Star Wars: Burning Shadows please?

[Liam Droney]

But I would recomend seing if you can d more to it.

[Liam Droney]

I'm hooked, nice discriptions.

[C. Rose]

Continued:
"her spine peaking" - the visual is confusing. Did you mean peeking? Either way I am imagining malnourishment.
"eight more women appeared from the air" - did they descend or teleport?
"you nurture; so soft, so delicate" - semicolons don't work like that. If you couldn't put a period there you shouldn't put a semicolon.
"The two leaders mouths shot open" - leaders' (plural possessive)
“Strait into the crystal” - “straight”


Confusion. Here's how I understand the coming and going of women. A woman who I thought was the baby's mother asks horned woman to 'call the others and bring Maeva'. Horned woman calls 8 women and then leaves. We find out the first woman (who isn't the baby's mother) is named May. One of the 8 is annoyed at being summoned. Either May or the annoyed woman motions to the baby. We find out the annoyed woman's name is Selena. We find out the horned woman is Diana. Diana returns with Maeva. May explains that the mermaids were going to save the baby's mother and not the baby, so the mother killed herself. Due to the rule "a sacrifice cannot go unpaid" - they need to save the dying child (though I thought the child was dead ...) One of the women is the head of the Oreiades tribe. Someone says "I can't May ...". From context I'm guessing Maeva. May asks Maeva to summon Desdemonda, which is why she had Diana bring Maeva in the first place, but then May summons Desdemonda. Desdemonda mocks May and newly named Halni. May asks Desdemonda to perform the transfer on the child. It is revealed that the leader of the dark side of the present war is the only other successful transferee (which implies it is risky to do the same thing to another baby). Desdemonda explains that the crystal will contain the child's power to prevent a repeat of last time. (I'm really confused about this crystal thing. Is it blocking her powers, draining her powers, is she going to have power until she is 16. Oh – she's going to be immortal for the first 16 years of her life until the crystal can finish drawing off the extra power. Right?). The Oreiades leader and Selene want to leave. Desdemonda (apparantly with three hands?) takes some 'life breathe' type smoke out of Oreiades and Selene and puts it in the crystal. Desdemonda does the same thing to the other leaders and even takes from the dead/dying baby. The crystal brings the baby back to life. Timid Maeva, sister of Desdemonda, agrees to take the child. The child's name is Chloe Perdut. Desdemonda questions Maeva's qualification. Desdemonda leaves. Desdemonda returns to kill Halni who had laid hands on her.

Simplified summary: May had Diana summon Selena, Oreiades leader, Halni, and five unnamed leaders. Diana leaves to get Maeva. May summuns Desdemonda. “sacrifice goes unpaid” is explained. “the transfer” is explained. Desdemonda does the transfer. Maeva agrees to keep the child safe.

The purpose of the above is to show you that while you have a strong grasp of who these characters are, the reader will likely get turned around.





Opinion time!
"mid war" - in my opinion "mid battle" would be more fitting
"took a large step forward" - in my opinion 'large step' breaks the magical powerful graceful mysterious theme. Large step makes me think exaggerated, hopping, children, giants, hokey pokey, husky, brutish.
"the dark side" in my opinion feels sci-fi. Typically fantasies word it as "turn to the dark" or just "the dark".
I was confused about the explanation of the sacrifice and also by the explanation of the transfer and crystal.

[Alexis]

nice. You have a way with words

[C. Rose]

The Good
Squee! Desdemonda rocks. The way she calls Nymphs soft and Dryads stupid. The build up to "I like the dark side". "A little life, for a little life form". "I forgot to do that before I left".
Exciting plot. M

The "Bad" (I only call it that because you said good and bad in the author's note.)
I often felt lost. Who is speaking? Which one was that? How many exactly are there? 8? 20? The beginning is very the woman this, the woman that and I was disoriented.

What does the battle look like?

"Let's began then, shall we?" - begin
Concern furrowed it's way - should be its

Oops I need to run - um general suggestions: Add more description of the people and where they are standing. True many writers do too much of this - but I had a hard time seeing.

Nice to meet you.

[C. Rose]

Oh. I just noticed you did say there were 8 women. But I hold the general suggestion of adding more "stage directions"

[❀ Gabriela ..]

This is very gripping! The first sentence and paragraph were great at pulling the reader in! I like your descriptions of everything that's going on, though I would also use more imagery to describe their surroundings (but that's just me, I always love to get a good feel for the setting when I read :) ). I'm personally not a huge fan of violence, but overall I think this is a strong first chapter!