Five

Five
My eyes open and the room is pitch black.
I sit up and rub my eyes, the dream still fresh in my mind. I try and find the lamp switch. When I do, I flick it and light fills the room.
I look around before deciding to get up. I touch my feet to the floor and walk over to my desk; I sit down on the chair. I grab the nearest photo frame and examine it. The picture is of myself and mother, we’re both smiling and wearing Halloween costumes. She is dressed up as Frankenstein and I am dressed as her creator. I smile to myself, we were obviously close and I now wonder how she’s staying strong through. I put it down and grab another one, it’s of myself and father, we’re fishing and not looking at the camera. But we look happy. I’m laughing at something he obviously said, I smile again and place it back down. The second from last is a picture of Astrid and I. Picking it up, I take a look. We’re outside Big Ben, both sticking our tongues out, I c**k my head slightly and I feel like I’m there, even though I can’t remember it. I feel sun on my skin and heat on my body, I feel fingers entwined with mine and hear a laugh that belongs to Astrid. It then fuzzes and it’s gone.
Progress is progress I remember Dr. Samuel saying. I put it down and pick up the last one. I’m with Lis and Millie, we’re standing up in a line. Lis is laughing, Millie is smiling and I’m chuckling too. We’re standing in front of a swimming pool; in the corner is my mother and sister, staring up at us.
I wish I could remember these days, I seem happy. I obviously was otherwise I wouldn't have put them on my desk.
I grab the photo album again and take it over to my bed. I rest it against the end headboard and lay down on my stomach, flipping through the photos. I stop at one, I’m very young, about five and next to me is boy. I follow my finger to the notes part. In my mother’s neat handwriting is written: 1999, Lana and Matt.
I look at the boy, he looks like Matt from the hospital, I frown and there is a knock at my door. I sit up and the door opens, it’s my mother.
     “I saw your light on. Are you alright?” she smiles, her hair tied up in a ponytail.
I nod and her eyes flicker to the photo album.
     “Anything?” she asks, looking back at me.
I shake my head and she takes a seat down next to me.
     “That picture over there” I say pointing to the one with Astrid in. “I felt something, sun and heat. I could hear a laugh and it was as if, in that moment I was there again, then it was gone, just like that. As if it never happened. But it did, I felt it somewhere inside me, it was real.”
I look at her and she smiles.
     “I remember that day. You’re right, it was so sunny there and so bloody hot” I laugh. “Before that photo was taken, your sister wouldn't stay still, you both kept on laughing”
I smile and look down at the picture of the beach.
     “Who is Matt?” I ask.
Her eyes follow mine and she grabs the book, bringing it closer to her eyes.
     “I thought he looked familiar” she mutters, before handing it back to me.
I frown.
     “That’s the boy from the hospital, you and him were best friends when you were five. His mother moved away and Matt had to go too, he wanted to stay with his father in England, but his mother wouldn't allow it. So he went and for twelve years you never saw him again, until today, fate” she says, smiling.
     “Why can’t he remember me?” I ask.
     “Lana, you were only five when you met, he was six, he might not remember anything from that age, not many people do.” I nod and close the album.
     “Can I ask you something?”
She nods.
     “Before the crash happened, were we a normal family?”
My mother smiles, before answering:
     “There is no such thing as a normal family, Lana, everyone has flaws, ours were hidden on the surface, but underneath, they were there. Always are and always will be”
I smile.
     “Lana, I know it’s hard to recover from something as big as this, but just imagine how your sister feels. One day you might get your memory back, but she will never look the same. Her face will always be different; you difference is in the inside. People will always judge her for her looks.”
I lower my eyes and remember that.
     “You and you sister were always close, it would be a shame to throw that away just because you can’t remember that”
I nod and she lifts my chin up, I look into her eyes.
     “Lana, you need to remember the fact that even though you can’t remember anything, we will always love you, no matter how much you scream at us. No one can take that away, that’s why people wake up in the morning, because they have some to wake up to. You have someone to wake up to, and you remember that, because when you did, it saved your life” she smiles.
     “Did we do something wrong, I mean before the crash, did we do something to deserve it?”
My mother shakes her head.
     “No one deserves anything; we were just there at the wrong time. Bad luck, bad timing, not a good mix” I smile. “No one deserves anything to happen to them, no matter what they did. I’ll leave you now” she stands up and walks away, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
I abandon my room and walk down the hallway, I stop at Astrid’s room, the light is on, so I knock.
     “Come in”
I push the door open and she sits on her bed, reading a book. I smile and she lowers it.
     “Hi” I say.
She smiles.
     “Hi”
I’m about to say something, but I just bite my lip.
     “Are you okay?” she asks.
I nod.
     “Are you sure, I can call mum if you want?”
I nod again.
     “I- I’m sorry” I finally say.
She knits her brow together.
     “For what?”
     “For everything, everyone is hang up on me, when they should be hang up on you” her eyes fall to her lap and I walk in some more, before taking a seat.
     “I saw a picture of you before the crash earlier and in my honest opinion, I think you are so much prettier now”
She laughs.
     “I never will be prettier then I was before. Don’t you see I’m ugly and I can’t do anything about it”
     “No way are you ugly, you’re not even near that. You are so much more prettier now, because before your face, it was too perfect. You needed a flaw.”
Finally she looks up.
     “Imperfection is my perfection” she says.
I smile.
      “Who said that?” I ask.
      “You did, when you were telling before the crash that a girl called you ugly at school one day.”
I laugh.
     “You’re right” she says. “I can’t let people get to me”
I nod.
     “They will, but you have to remember, it doesn't matter what they think. Only you matter. I’m so sorry that I can’t remember our bond before, but no matter what, I will always be there for you” she smiles. “I better go, night”
     “Night”
And with that, I walk away. Even though I can’t remember it, I was right. Imperfections were my perfection and they always will be.