Do Not Resuscitate

I wrote this junior year of highschool. It's a fav of mine.

 

My heart still beats without you but it doesn't sound right... It's hallow. I don't think it's real... Maybe... maybe it stopped beating a long time ago and the only reason i can remember anythingin my chest is because i can remember. I can remember remember what it was like to have a living, beating real heart in there somewhere.... It wouldn't surprise me if that was true. What an odd, scary, wonderful image... an empty memory of a hollow feeling.

Sometimes, it aches. It feels worse than anybody could imagine My empty heart feels like it's been nailed to a board and it's barely holding on, neating with its last ounce of energy. How long before it finally dies? How long before it gives out, its strength completly gone? A worse thought... after it dies, when it is complelty gone...will that mean there is no more love for anybody... even you? That thought is horryfying... not being able to love you. Imagine not being able to love someone you've loved your whole life with all your being...

How weird am i, dwelling all this now?  it's so odd that i am feeling all this now and that i am able to write it down and explain it all on paper. I have never EVER been able to do that before. Ever. I think you bring out the best in me... even when i am at my worst... and that is a beautiful thing. That is something i cannotever forget.

After you left... there were new feelings. Horrible feelings. Feelings like vulnerability. How terrible vulnerability is. It's like standing on a huge cliff with a gun being pressed to your back and the owner of the gun telling you to jump into the black freezing water below. You know there will be no one to save you and , either way, you die.

After that? Betrayal. A bullet slicing through all your muscles, sinew, and veins, shattering bones before it finally explodes out the other side of your shoulder It might not be deadly, but it is defineatly painful and possibly paralyzing.

Then there's anger. That's something i would prefer to keep to myself no matter how it hurts me. It races out of my mouth and is apparent in many of my actions. Unforunatly, other people suffer along with me. I try to ignore it  but it is not something easily ignored. I can ignore it as easily  as i can ignore someone poking me with a stick. I can only handle it for so long before i completley lose it and attack. I cannot ignore it forever.

...All this emotion... with you at the center of it... absolutley amazing... Everything has changed. No good morning text messages, no one for me to throw my arms around when things get tough, no one to laugh with, no one to share my life with. All gone in one fell swoop...

All these emotions are overwhelming me, making me feel high... like i'm floating. but it isn't a pleasant feeling. It holds no possibilities except the chance to fall... to be forever falling. Etrenal. I am so afraid to get close to any one.I don't want them to catch this sickness. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I have ecome detatched. Even when i'm with a group, i'm not in it. I'm on the edge. I've got a fake smile on my face and that's just about it. There is no smile where it really matters There isn't a smile in my eyes or my heart. Both are lifeless

What a way to live. Alone, forgotten, and vulnerable... as they say, Cupid rules us all... I don't imagine him as a chubby little cherub  with wings llike most might. I imagine him as a snake uncaring and cruel. Cupid is only interested in the kill.

Maybe i will love again... and maybe i won't. I don't really know what i am suppossed  to do but, for now,  I am dodging arrows that  little snake Cupid shoots my way because my heart can't take it anymore... and neither can I.

Hey

Do me a favor

When my heart finally does takes its last breath.... do not resuscitate.

Author's Note

Bad times but I got over it