Slip, Give, Fail

Should I say more? I'm stuck in a vicious cycle and though I want it to stop, I can't

Come lose yourself
In the ecstasy of your own creation
The soothing breeze of warm bleeding
And the roaring singsongs of obsession

Fill her in with comfort
Of having to turn to you
Slow her heartbeat to normal
Don't leave her anxious and blue

The stinging results of desperation
Makes her moan in relief
Just like when her lover's lips
Land on her as they kiss

The wrongness of each slip
Had always felt intriguing
And though her head is beaten up by guilt
The whimpers of need are unending

Reviews

[J.S. Pua]

nice..
i kind of liked this..
especially this part:

"Fill her in with comfort
Of having to turn to you
Slow her heartbeat to normal
Don't leave her anxious and blue"

[butifulemmy]

it's very sweet, but the meter is a little off!

[Abhinav]

splendid stuff
keep it up:)))

[dustyhowls]

"Slow her heartbeat to normal"
That sentence is missing the tone that the rest of this poem has, the kind of mystical/romantic ambiance that you've built up. Or it could just be me. But I think it would work better if you changed it, because it's pretty commonplace compared to pretty much everything else, so it forces the captivated reader to falter.

"The wrongness of each slip
Had always felt intriguing
And though her head is beaten up by guilt
The whimpers of need is unending"
First off, shouldn't it be either 'whimper' or 'are unrelenting'?
Secondly, the third line has four more syllables than the last, and in a poem like this, that's a bit of a problem. I'm sorry I can't think of any quick fix-it tactic at the moment, I was always bad with rhythm.

Other than that.

This is a splendid piece. Being me, I suspected what it was about from the first verse, but you're one of the few people who can be bothered to put an original spin (not to mention an actually /style/) into a poem about this subject. Not only were you daring enough to try, but you actually did a great job! This poem lulls the reader along, kind of like floating down a river and knowing that this waters are black and polluted, but not being able to stop yourself -- which is pretty similar to your subject. Again, great work, you've managed to make the feel, the very essence of the poem itself communicate what you want to say.
Congrats.

I'm sorry about your experience though. I know this is going to sound pretty strange, but you can always send me a message if you want (you're also more than welcome to never send me a message for as long as you live, but...).

All that to say that I loved this poem.

Oh, also, about your comment? Right on.

[♪GetUse2MyMelodie..]

I love your mix of words,fascinating....Great job!