Just a Late Night Write

(Involving being shy as a Philly musician) ..and mad men a little.

I'm sitting quietly at my desk and I'm just noticing now that it's 1 am.

I sat down at this desk a couple hours ago and demolished the last couple episodes of Mad Men season 7 Part 1 on Netflix. 

Don't worry, I'm not into spoiling the fun for anyone (probably nobody) who may be reading this.

Anyway, because Netflix doesn't have the last 8 episodes I now need something else to fill my time.

Maybe you're wondering "why not just start a new show?" 

I'll tell you why, 

I'm horribly invested in Don Drapers future and I'm not ready to move on. 

My Mad Men fans will understand.

It's not a lifestyle, its just who I am.

Ya know, now that I'm writing down what I'm thinking I'm realizing I haven't even opened my mouth in a couple hours. 

Hold on, I need to stretch my jaw muscles because that thought freaks me out...

Ok, 

Let me analyze this..I haven't opened my mouth because I haven't spoken. I haven't spoken because even before I regrettably binged Mad Men, I was too timid to speak to anybody..

When I think about it, that really sucks.

I just captured this fantastic new job down in the city of brotherly love (thats cheesy, I never call it that...I'm just trying to be poetic i guess.)

Philly. I got a job in Philly.

So although its a lengthy commute from my suburban life..its worth it.

I'm a musician. 

Or at least I thought I was until I started this job.

Everybody around me knows 20 times more about music and preforming than I do. 

I'm intimidated. 

My job is at this succussful dueling piano bar..and I am training to be a full time entertainer..

Thats right kids,

I'll be getting paid 

to play music!

yes. 

I don't mean to boast, but this kind of job is one in a million and some how I snagged it.

I'm incredibly excited..I am agog! I am aghast! 

but moving on from that...

I am also very shy.

Not only are my piano skills lacking in comparison to the other musicians there,

they can draw the crowd in..they can hop on bass or guitar or drums for any song  in the damn world!

And they are confident in doing so.

So naturally, as I said, 

I am very intimidated. 

And what do I do when I'm intimidated? I shut down.

Other than my mentor and the other trainee,

I speak to no one. 

I have a millions things to say and nothing comes out. 

I don't want them to think I don't like them, or that I'm too stupid to think of anything to say...

but I can't make my mouth open!! 

...

and ya know what, it shows in my performances.

This complete stranger came up to me after my mediocre performance of Sugar (Maroon V...did I mention we play hit songs at this dueling piano club? Its gets pretty 'dance club' by the end of the night and thats totally fine with me)

...

Anyway this middle aged woman wearing a skin tight black dress came up to me and said,

"You have a wonderful voice!!"

and I was like...s**t this is awesome somebody is recognizing my talent! ..confidence boost!

and then she went on...

why did she have to go on..

"But I can tell you're shy! I'm gonna write down my number because I host this club at my house that really helps people burst through that bubble!.."

Oh boy..

"And I think if you broke out of your shell, you'd shine!"

I smiled and thanked her.

But really my confidence was thrown to the ceiling and then dropped to the floor.

Thanks lady!

Obviously you could tell I was struggling with a confidence issue and now you have pointed out to me that its noticeable.

And by saying IF you do this THEN you'll shine...is implying I didn't shine..

d****t.

I suck.

I don't shine.

Thats all I'm thinking about because of her.

And I know she was trying to help me.

And frankly she's absolutely right.

But I'm not gonna go to her club....haven't you heard...

IM SHY.

...

So what am I gonna do about it? My shy problem.

I'm going to work my a*s off to play a fuller piano. I'm gonna work on learning bass and guitar and drums. I'm gonna build my song list and I'm gonna kick a*s (i realize I've said that twice in one paragraph..) 

Because I'm gonna be confident, when I am confident in my skills.

and I know you have to work for your dreams.

I'm 21 and I have this job..

I'm proud of myself for that.

But now its time to KEEP the job. 

So on that note,

I'm going to move onto another creative outlet...

because as I'm writing about all this hard work I'm going to have to do..I'm realizing I should be doing THAT istead of THIS.

But it gave me an insight to write it all down.

I think it was a good idea to sign up for writers cafe.com 

talk to you (and by you i mean myself) later.

-shay

Author's Note

sorry for the long rant.. i really didn't know where it was gonna go until it went there. goodnight!