This F**king Heart of Mine

Cheating husband

This F**king Heart of Mine

 

My head is so confused most of the time. I find it difficult to sleep at nights. I’m awake and listening to the foots of the neighbor above me, it sound like barrels rolling back and forth, normally I’m annoyed by this but tonight it helps keep me unfocused I need the distraction.

I’ve been married for eighteen years. I can’t call them happy years but I trusted my husband he is the only man I would have taken Jesus off the cross and swear for. He destroyed my trust in him but also instilled in me to never trust a man for as long as God allow me to live on this earth. I am sure I will be with another man but I know I will never ever trust one again.

I am sad but not very sad about ending my marriage, what I’m very sad about is what he has destroyed in me. The person that I will become when this is all over will no longer be the, me I know. I’m not sure who I will become. I will not close my heart to love because it is the one thing I’ve always wanted and never received.

The day I found out he had another woman my world shattered into a million and one pieces. I know what you’re thinking women have been cheated on plenty of times what’s the big deal. For me if it was anybody else I was with I would agree with you but this man assured me that the one thing he would  never do is cheat on me, he didn’t just said it once he said it all the time. See he had a friend who does nothing but cheats on his wife and my husband Sean was always disgusted by him doing it, so every time we had a conversation about cheating he would say “I will never cheat on you because it would hurt you too much and I would never want to put you through that type of pain”. I believed him whole heartedly  so I never checked his phone, never looked at his text messages never wondered about any female he talked to s**t we would some time joke about him having another woman. I am sitting here writing this and I still can’t believe it’s true. I can’t believe another human bean could be so cold hearted’ hateful and heartless towards another person much less a person he has been sleeping next to for 18 years.

The marriage was bad it started out bad and it’s ending worst. In the beginning we had fights that went on for days and ended in us having sex. We moved on to arguing for hour and Sean would continue the argument when he got to work over the phone. Like I said the marriage was bad and I know, why stay in it for so long right, well I was married and I’ve done enough bad things in my life I didn’t need God adding divorce to the list.

The one thing I can’t say is I was too young to get married because I was in my late twenties. The worst part is my entire family didn’t like him from the beginning, my mother kept asking me what you doing are you sure. My oldest sister weeks before I married him came out and told me Deon don’t marry him I told her he was a good person and I’m not making a mistake. You see I truly believed he was a good person and now he has proven that he never was I was just a fool for believing in him.

I guess it’s hard to see what a person really is when you are up so close but we were now in a marriage and you don’t just get up and say it’s over; marriages don’t work that way at least that’s what I believed. Once you get married you are marred until you die that’s the way I was brought up and if I wanted to avoid this I shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. 

I knew something was wrong a few months ago but I couldn’t figure it out. We always lay down together so he could get some sleep before work, usually in a spooning position with his face snuggle in the back of my nick but for a few month he stop putting his face there. I never mentioned it somehow it didn’t seem like a big deal.

I keep wondering how could Shawn cheat on me I’ve met plenty of men while married to him and never thought of cheating on him except once. Twelve years ago I met a Robert. He was tall, dark and the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. He would complement me all the time and tell me how wonderful I was to my husband and children, he would ask why they don’t come and help me and then he would turn around and help me. It should have been so easy for me to cheat on Sean because I felt like I hated him but no matter what I wouldn’t do it. Now don’t get me wrong I was very attracted to this man but being with him would’ve meant hurting an innocent person and no matter how much I felt that I hated my husband he would never deserve this type of betrayal. It would have destroyed him and he would have hated me for the rest of his life and Robert and I would have deserved whatever Sean did to us. Robert tried so hard to get me to be with him even though he knew I was married and anything my husband would have done to him he would have earned. but all I did with him was try to make my husband jealous thinking if he thought this man had a chance he would start treating me a little better. This may not sound like a big deal but see I have hair under my chin he never once said to me honey when I get the tax return this year we’ll take care of your chin with what’s left I always wanted to hear that but I never did. Simple things like my hair and nails never get done unless I’m working. He at least did the husbandly things pay the bills buy the food but dam what about me when do you think about me. I was the wife he didn’t need to do anything for but I needed to be thankful and grateful for everything that he did.

He tells everybody I do nothing for him, which is not true and I’m not going to get into all that but I will mention the car. His friend that’s always cheating on his wife sold him his hatchback that wasn’t worth a dime, he called me at work asked me about the car I said if he’s selling it so cheap it’s no good. Now if this person is really a friend he would have given him the car and tell him yo it’s no good but you could try to fix it. I’m sure a donation place would not have taken that car which is probable why he sold it to him in the first place. He dumped over a thousand dollars into that piece of chunk. I had to say to him “you know if I had told you lets buy a car for that much, you would’ve said we can’t afford it”. Well after putting all that money in it. He happed to be running late for work one night, he decides to take the car and sure enough it gave out on him on the west side highway. This happed during tax return time and I planned to use mine to go to Disney world. I dream of going to Disney all my life it was the only thing I focus on for months. I had all the details covered just was waiting for the money to go in my account. The idiot I am took one look at how sad he was and decide to spend my Disney vacation money on getting him a car, I of course still have not had my dream vacation, I probably won’t see Disney till I have grandchildren.

Thing started getting really bad when my older son turned 18 and decided to fight back whenever he and my husband got into it. My oldest is now 27. I was never the type of mother to put anyone above my children, I’ve seen what that can do to kids.

I do think I should have found a way to be wife and mother during those situations but when you’re in it you don’t see what you are doing wrong and thou I trusted my husband when it came to myself, he showed me that I couldn’t trust him with my oldest son which is not his biological son. My oldest is mine and only mine, his father was never really a part of the picture and I have always been grateful for that. My oldest was seven when I met my husband.

I want you to understand where I’m coming from. I have always been with a man that is older than me, and the reason why I took a chance on Sean is the same reason I was not sure I should have been with him. Sean is three years younger than me, and I’ve always use that difference has an excuse for the things he did. Telling myself he would grow out of it and I can handle it. In the beginning he would throw things and act crazy. I saw it as childish and he would get to a place where this too would pass. The thing is when an older man f***s you offer you have nothing to blame it on. But someone like Sean needs time to know how to treat you and once you get there everything will be just fine, plus having someone that you can help to reach their potential is so much better than someone who is set in there ways with no intention to change. I didn’t see how volatile this relationship could become. I only saw the possibilities. I felt the greatest gift of being with Sean was I would never have to worry about another woman. He had given me the impression that he would be loyal, trust worthy and the reassurance that cheating will never be a factor no matter what. Yea he throws tantrums like a kid, that’s fixable. I saw in him what now would have never been because I’m the only one who was seeing it. I saw a man whose love for me would become stronger, Safer and passionate. I saw a love where we would not be able to see pass each other. I now realize that the reason why our love never became this is because he never let go of his old girlfriend Iris. I never knew; I never had a chance. I know waiting 18 years for this makes me the biggest Dodo bird that could ever live. But the thing is, I believe this kind of love exist, I just was never lucky enough to find it.

I’m not some hopeless romantic I just believe that love is the tangible and intangible thing that makes us real. See no matter what we are, or who we are, love always defines us. The way we love another person helps us live strong. If I spent the rest of my life without putting my trust and faith into someone other than myself and God then I missed out on the true meaning of being human. This is why I can’t understand how Sean could have been this inhumane towards me. It is hard for me to convince myself that he is not my one true love cause I really believed in him and though we had huge problems somehow I thought we would have gotten through them and if we couldn’t  then we would have known it’s time to let go but not by one of us cheating. Cheating is such an ugly way to end a marriage; it is so evil, uncaring and irresponsible. It is something I expect from someone who doesn’t know any better, not my 44 year old husband of 18 years. I have cried every day since June 8. I keep telling myself he’s not worth one single tear but still I cry, even when I tell myself its stupid and for me to stop it.

He keeps saying he’s my pill and poison and that part is true. I wish he would leave so maybe I could start healing but if he leaves me I will die. God I swear I don’t know how to handle this. I keep telling him to go and I want him to go, but I know when he leaves it’s going to kill me. I know the way he has treated me is worse than how one treats a dog.  I know I don’t deserve this. I know no one deserve this and I know I would have never done this to him. Every day I asked why. He has taken everything from me, my self-esteem, my dignity, my self-respect but most of all my trust and my ability to ever truly love another person. (and once again I’m crying my a*s off like a foo while writing this)

I can’t see the future but I’m kind of looking forward to it. Not having another man but doing something with the hand I’ve been dealt. Though I’ve always tell Sean I want a divorce I never actually saw a future without him in it. Now I think about my life where he doesn’t exits it is so sad because I would have wanted to have a friendship with him. I guess that was not his idea I guess maybe he thought us around each other would have not been a good idea, that’s the only thing I can think of to make him do something like this to me cause I know he knows that after doing such a anus act to me I would never want anything to do with him. I hope he and our son Torayies will continue to have a good relationship cause once he leaves I will remove him from my memories which is a very hard to do but I think it can it can be done. This is probably also why I don’t want him to leave. I am putting myself through hell with the things I feel and the things I must do. I can’t believe a man is putting me through this I must do better from now on.

I don’t know why Sean has decided to stay here instead of going to Virginia to his true love I don’t get it. I hear the things he say but they are all inconsequential. If he wants to help with the backed up bills he can send money for that. If he doesn’t want to lose his vacation time his job has to pay him that so there is no lost there. It’s the summer time so finding a job down there should be easier. The things he has here is easy to move its just boxes no buckle furniture to move. All the excuses that he’s made for why he hasn’t left just don’t make any sense.

I can’t image finding the love I’ve been waiting for all my life and keep it waiting I can’t think of anything to make such a love wait.

Now he tells me he’s not ready to leave but he already left. Don’t see how he doesn’t see that. I need him to leave and I can’t keep being nice about it. I need to get my head straight and I can’t do it with him in my face every day. Why can’t he get that, I mean does he not think he has done enough to me how much more damage does he needs to inflect on me and why.

He ripped me to pieces worse than a hell hound and he seems to not be satisfied with that, how much more he thinks I can take. Him being here needs to stop I need to get to a place where I can feel whole again. I can’t even talk to him without him yelling about whatever he don’t agree with, I mean the other day he came in the house saw the table perfectly clean and make a mess on it  I asked him if he’s going to clean it up he said yes well a week goes by and I say to him if I throw everything off the table out you would say I’m wrong, he tells me I don’t have the right to throw his stuff away at this time he’s yelling and carrying on I wasn’t arguing with him but in a calm voice I then asked him so after I cleaned the table you have the right to make a mess on it and leave it. These are the kind of things I’m dealing with if I say anything he doesn’t agree with he starts yelling and carrying on. I need him to go and let me have my dam piece of mind you already cheated on me what more do you want to do to me, why you want to sit here with me, you make no dam sense. God dam it you’ve tortured me enough get the f**k out already. You would think I would have said all of this by now but no instead I let the scared little girl in me run things and the way how she sees best to handle this is to sleep with him every chance she gets

I know the way I’m handling this is not normal but I’m not sure what normal is supposed to be. I do believe most women in my situation would have kicked him out, burn all his s**t and go kick that b***h Iris a*s. But I haven’t done any of these things. All I do is cry first it was the shock, then it was the you f*****g had the nerve to cheat on me after all the s**t you put me through n***a and let’s not forget the I’m too good for this s**t to be happening to me. I know I’ve been too nice during this whole thing. I know I’m still allowing him to treat me like s**t and I know it’s crazy. Lately I’ve been thinking about the person I was before Sean came into my life and I keep wondering how she would have handled this s**t. I know I took no s**t I didn’t give second chances yet I stayed with this m**********r and no relationship I’ve ever been in was ever as bad as our marriage I can’t fully explain it to myself.

I know one thing for sure this little girl better realize that she is only destroying herself and he never cared about her and he never will she keeps thinking at this late stage he’s going to start caring about her, “he didn’t care about you when you need him the most” so she better let him go and stop f*****g him she needs to go find some other man to f**k or go f**k Robert that n***a been chasing this p***y for 12 years it’s time to let him catch it. I know I just said all that but I know I won’t do any of it. I won’t f**k Robert because I can’t be nobody’s piece of a*s. I won’t stop f*****g Shawn cause it’s all I have left of him and I know he don’t care about me and I’m probably just a piece of a*s for him too but at least I’m married to him.( see what I did there I made an excuse for me doing hurtful s**t to myself)

You know what I want, I want Sean to do the one thing he’s never done the 18 years I’ve been married to him, I want him to give me some consideration and take his stuff and leave so I can start picking up the million and one pieces of my life.

The true is we have no foundation so 18 years of nothing is still nothing that’s why it was so easy for him to do what he did. I’m the one who haven’t accepted that and moved on.