bon voyage my heart

A Poem by Miss C.Elliot

just a moment of solitude after a heartbreak

Many times I wanted to call you, dialed your number on my phone, my finger hovering on the call button ,itching to break this dreadful silence. Wanted to say something, anything, wondered if you were feeling the same, I was ready to forgive and forgo, to put back my life on hold for you. I composed countless unsent messages, admitting all kind of faults, any fault, willing to crawl and take all the blame, if it meant you would return back to me. But on the last second my resolve will fail, And I would delete them and break in tears .

I would lash out by saying horrible things to you just to have you bleed a bit , just to hurt you, hitting you back on your weakest points. But my love I did not mean a single word I said, It was someone else who was saying those words, a cold stranger in my body out for blood.

I tried to lose myself , pretending that everything was normal with a fake smile. I flirted, kissed and played just to erase you, your voice, your touch, your body, your taste… Endless partying just not to think, full with faceless dancers, upset my stomach and i puked, all my sorrows on the floor. I felt used and foul in my soul as i fooled and drowned ,gushing off to friends and strangers .Truth is you were the only one I needed, my ears eyes nose mouth hands craving for you.

Then once in a while on random days, my heart would freeze a bit and my brain would start kicking in again. I would remember the problems and cringed, replaying the story of us with you as a blackguard villain. I listened when others said you were an a*****e, I deserved better, am better off without you, that you were just not the right one for me, that I will get over you, time and distance will heal…But something inside whispered that I do not want a right one, I want You with all your wrongs.

I tried to kid myself by saying I will be fine, maybe I never loved you for real: It was just a moment of utter madness , a spark in the darkness that mislead to oblivion. It was better this way in the end. But it kicked me in the face last night , your way and mine has parted for a long time hence I know that I lost my soul there, I lost focus of what is real on the way, just let life pass to endless dream trances. I miss you and love you still stupid fool that I am…