GOAL

A Story by Sharmina

Short (hopefully amusing) story about why teenage boys shouldn't be allowed to stay home by themselves :D (don'e take it seriously!:)

GOAL

“Score!” Sweet.

Life is sweet. To me anyways; I’m by myself in the house. No annoying father. No clingy girlfriend. Just me and my filth. Watching football.

Dad trusting me by myself in the house is probably the dumbest mistake he’s ever made, even dumber than marrying mom. Ah well, the fresh air will do him good, him spending some time with himself. I wonder when he’ll clock on that this was all a setup in order to get him out the house. And to hook him up with that hot mom who lives across the road. Yeah whatever I think a woman who’s the same age as my dad is hot, whatever.

So I’m sat here smelling freedom or in this case, BO and old coke bottles. Time to clean up. Yeah just to clarify, the word “clean” in my dictionary means: Stuff it all under the sofa until you can’t see it. And if it doesn't go in anymore it means you’re not trying hard enough.

God where’s a decent tissue when you need one? Well guess I’m going to have to use my sleeve now; better yet…. The sofa covers…

“Hey Dad! You better get out here look what I’m about to do!” Of course he couldn't hear. Why is that? Because he’s miles away surrounded by nothing but insects and grass!

The phone rings very loudly then. Creepy. I reach up and get it before it makes a racket.

“Hello?” I ask.

“Ethan? Is that you?” It’s dad.

“Hey dad, how’s your trip going?” I stifle a giggle.

“Listen, any plans this week?”

“Erm, nope except for-“ I manage to say until I get cut off.

“Tonight?”

“Yeah tonight.”

“Great, I’m coming home tonight.”

“Wait, tonight?” I ask in horror.

“Yes tonight! Do we have a bad connection or something? Ethan, I am coming home tonight so whatever you've done to the house CLEAN IT UP!”

Holy crap.

Okay, so I had about what couple of hours, 8 max to clean up the mess and get rid of anything that suggests “party like a wild animal”. Easy enough. God I’m dead. Unless… What was that nerd’s name? Weed? Seed? Reed! Yeah, Reed I’ll just call him bribe him to clean up the house and voila house will be clean, if I’m lucky all evidence of my freedom will be destroyed. Hey, not bad after two suckish years of French it’s finally paid off!

Damn it! Next time that seed asks me for help, I’ll…. Who am I kidding? Seed’ll never come to me for help! Why would you refuse? If I was willing to pay a fiver to clean up the house you’d take it right? And come on, it’s not that bad. Good Lord what is that? It’s a spider! Crawling over the pizza boxes. I need to clean it up.

“Seed! Listen bro, you gotta help us out here. What if I pay you tenner? Come on man.”

“It’s Reed! And fine I’ll come over in an hour. Make a start.” Okay, an hour that’s fine. Yeah, I can do it.

I walk to the kitchen kicking crisp packets and sweet wrappers on my way. No, I’m not going for more food, (that comes in ten minutes later…) I’m looking for that broomstick. You know that stick with a bunch of hair at the bottom and it cleans up all the dirt? Seen Dad do it plenty of times, I’ll be fine. I’ll just put it all together and put it under the sofa. Or the bin. But then that’ll mean I would have to take the trash out. In that freezing cold weather. And that’s why I have seed.

So, here I am cleaning. Not my definition of cleaning oh no, the actual cleaning. I pass the mirror and I realize something… Hello Mr Bicep! I drop the broomstick and go closer to the mirror and start practicing muscleman poses. It’s not dumb, if you must know it’s written in the “daft guy code” stupid but cool things that every guy must do and this happens to be one of them.

So while I was practicing my poses the door rings. My eyes dart straight to the clock, impossible. I've got 7 hours left. Then my mind flashes back to the phone call I made not so long ago, of course it was Weed. I crawl my way through the garbage and attempt to get to the door before the spider’s hairy legs catch me first. I open the door in frustration and welcome Weed in with open arms, he takes one look at the house and tries to escape but not before I grab hold of his perfectly ironed shirt and pull him in the house.

“What are you doing Se-Reed? You said you would help!” I yell at him. He looks horrified and his eyes stay fixed on the house. He struggles to move and grips on to my shirt clearly looking for the cleanest side.

“What the hell is this?” he asks slowly but in disgust. I shrug and tell him this is every man’s dream he looks at me like I've lost my mind.

“Look Reed, stop acting like a powder puff and start helping!” I say to him.

“Where’s Sophia?” he asks dreamily. I raise a dirty eyebrow at him and glare at him. Sophia is my girlfriend and this was my first night without her and it’s been the best. I explain to him that if he ever mentions a word to her about this he can expect a meeting from Mr Fist. End of conversation.

Turns out Reed had come prepared; he came in with a bunch of machines that were called “vacuum’s and Hoovers” got to remind Dad to get one of those… Reed told me that I should get started on picking up the pizza boxes and clear the area and he had the cheek to say this:

“Ethan, if I may I have a small request.”

“You want a slice of pizza?” I ask in confusion. I barely understood what he meant.

“No, smaller. That you go and put on some clothes!” I frown at him and dig through the pile of garbage for my jeans. They've got ketchup stains on them and they smell of pepperoni, wonder if they’re edible?

Reed shows me how to work a vacuum and it’s definitely a lot harder than it looks, you have to push and then pull back making sure all the dirt picks up! The way I see it, I’m just warming up my muscles. I’m doing a brilliant job when something terrible happens.

“Ethan, what’s wrong? Are y-you crying? Oh Ethan we’ll finish in time!” Reed walks over and tries to reassure me.

“I’m not crying ‘cos of that doofus! The match! My, my team lost!” I try to hide my tears but it’s no use. How? How could they lose, we were winning! Reed looks at me like I've lost my mind and steps back.

“Ethan, it’s a game, not the end of the world.” He simply says.

A game? Just a game? It took all my strength for me not to pounce on him and beat the crap out of him.

“Reed, let me ask you something, are you gay?” He looks taken back and stutters.

Just what I thought.

“What a question! Of course I’m not!” He shouts at me unconvincingly. I scowl at him and he walks off.

“You can leave, but you’ll be leaving empty handed! I ain't paying you a tenner for this!” I bark at him. He flinches; oh yeah mention the word money and that’s when they stop.

“If I recall perfectly, you asked me to help you not clean it all up for you.” He replies smugly. I get up then, furiously wiping away the tears.

“Help? You call this help? There’s still garbage everywhere!” I screech very loudly, so loud that the clock falls and gives us all a shock.

“Reed, I have 5 hours left. Only five, do you want to see me dead?” I plead him.

“I can consider it.” He replies sarcastically.

I step forward ready to lunge on him, when he holds his arm up and says he’s kidding.

“As you said Ethan, only 5 hours to get clean. So come on, no time for talking or crying in your case let’s get going.” I roll my eyes and sigh.

Damn that was a loud one.

Reed sniffs in disgust and attempts to cover his mouth with his hands and tries to speak but he can’t.

“WH-What is that smell!?” He screeches loudly. I can almost see the water forming in his eyes. I sniff the air proudly and exclaim:

“That is a world record! The smelliest fart made in history by the one and only Ethan McPhee! Oh yeah, I’m cool.” I say to him and I start clapping. He stares at me, obviously wanting to say something; well look at that I've made the nerd speechless, all the more reason to be victorious!

“You vile, repulsive animal! It’s bad enough you live like an animal in this pigsty but now you have to shame yourself by acting like one? I’m through, money or no money I’m out!” Reed shouts at me, and he looks deadly serious. I try to act, stop him but he refuses. Now I’m dead.

I stare at the floor, not knowing what to do; '’ve got to get him back that’s the only way I’ll finish. But how? Sophia. Yeah, I’ll use Sophia haven’t seen the Barbie doll in weeks one little date with her and he’ll come crawling back to me. I quickly run to the door and see he’s about to turn the corner when I belt out his name as loud as I can. It’s so loud that the birds above fly away screeching. He turns, of course he does. Looks at me questioningly and I usher him to come back, he shakes his head in refusal and I scream the words “Sophia” and there he is, running back.

We negotiate takes a little longer than I thought, he’d sussed out that I was using Sophia for myself, and I’ll quote him:

“You want to give up your girlfriend for the sake of your own selfish needs? Your pride and dignity? Not that you have any of course.” I wanted to punch him but left him be. Can’t lose the nerd again.

So he comes back and before he left half the mess was cleared but it still looks bad. I walk off to the kitchen mumbling about being hungry and I make us both a snack. While I’m in the kitchen I suddenly see one of my old action men dolls. I was mad for those, had a whole collection until I reached 15 and found out they were babyish. I turned a sneaky glance to see where Reed was, he vacuuming viciously at the two-day old chicken piece, perfect. I reached over to where it was and the touch of it brought back memories. How much fun I had with those dolls, I mean action men. Dad always used to tease me rotten saying that grown men shouldn't be playing with dolls. When in fact, they weren't dolls. Action men, that’s what their called! (It said so on the box!) So there it was, feeling so perfect on my fingertips and I thought playing with it just for another ten minutes wouldn't kill me right? I picked the boy up, Greg he’s called and made him fly and very quietly began to sing a song from Prince:

“Oh, I only wanna see you in the Purple Rain!” Doing the air-grabbing with it too, I didn't realize I was getting too carried away that I was getting louder, too loud that Reed heard. There goes the bad-boy/cool rep.

He raises his eyebrows and grins cheekily, and I quickly hide Greg behind my hands and act like nothing happened.

“Hungry Weed?” I ask him awkwardly. He nods and I chuck him the Coco Pops and he digs his hands in. After the second handful he drops some and they clatter to the floor, he ignores it and keeps chewing.

“Dude, five second rule, you can still eat that.” He looks down at the floor and shakes his head in disgust, well I hate wasting food, so I dive to the floor with two seconds to go.

With our stomachs now only half empty, we get back to work. I suddenly become aware of the time and I see have less than three hours left before Dad comes. Time to give him a call, I need to stall him. I run for the phone and suddenly it’s not that difficult, before it took me all my strength to get past the door but now, I just have to pull. The phone, that’s what I need, I pick it up and dial Dad’s mobile. Voice mail. I still haven’t figured what I’m going to say.

“Dad hey, it’s Ethan. Listen on the way, can you erm pick up some...bread! Yeah, we have no bread so you need to go Tesco’s and get some. Because we have none left. Right later.” That was so lame. I run to the kitchen and see we have five loaves of bread. And he’s about to get another.

I just know what I need to relieve me from my stress. TV, not football though. Some wrestling, yeah there’s been a few moves that I wanna do but had no one to do it on. See this is what happens when you’re an only child! I drift my eyes over to Reed, who’s clearing the table and it’s like it’s meant to be! I skip over to where the TV is and put it on wrestling.

“Ethan what are you doing? We still have a load of stuff to do and you want to watch TV? Have you forgotten our deal already? If you’re suffering from memory losses, I should recommend you to eat carrots; it is has been scientifically proven they help sharpen your memory you know. It’s because they have fibers and vitam-“

I shush him and point to the TV.

I climb on to the table Reed just cleaned and push him away. Yes, time to try the frog splash 360. I've wanted to do this for a while now, but with Dad around it’s like he has eyes at the back of his head! So this frog splash, basically I jump off the table and do a 360 cannonball on to someone who’s lying flat. On the sofa of course. The man on TV demands that this is not to be tried at home, but yeah only losers listen to him. And, I have to build up my bad-boy/cool rep back after being caught singing to a doll. Reed the swot he is figures out what I’m about to do and sprints to the sofa and spreads his arms out crying the words: “Ethan! No, you heard the freakishly tall man, this is not safe!” I frown at him and signal him to move or I’m going to flatten him. Yes, ready or not here I go I get into position and jump...

That did not go well. I think I broke my leg. All I know is I’m injured badly. I cry out in pain and poor Reed looks like he’s about to faint and hasn't a clue what to do.

“Ethan, you i-! I’m gonna call your dad.” Dad.

“No!” I scream back with all the strength I have left. If Dad finds out I've been copying the moves again, he’ll kill me and flatten me and ruin my life. That can’t happen.

I attempt to get up, but I feel like my back is about to fall and my arm feels broken. “I’m fine Reed, see?” I struggle to get up but just about manage for about a second or two.

“Let me see, Ethan how could you be so foolish?” He asks in frustration. He comes over and analyses my back.

“Foolish is my middle name, Reed thought you would've figured that out by now.” I reply sadly.

“I thought it was Penny?” I stare in shock and shut him up immediately. Yeah, so what I have a girly middle name! Out of all people that know it’s him! Ethan P. McPhee that’s how it’s always been.

“Is there anything you don’t know Weed?” I question him with a defensive tone. He gets up to the kitchen and has a dig around searching for the first-aid box and that’s when the clock makes a loud gong noise. Oh no, I have an hour and a half left. And the house is nowhere near clean. And there’s one person down, (okay so it wasn't like I did anything before but hey it’s a dramatic moment!)

Reed eventually finds it and comes scurrying back, frantically ripping off whatever and applying it as fast as he can, and what’s worse is I can feel the bumps. There are bumps all over my back and they’re just getting worse. I need to go somewhere where I’ll get proper medical treatment rather than some geek trying to copy it.

After a long time of ripping and re-applying, (and shrieks of pain...) the doorbell rings. Reed and I both look at each other and freeze. At the same time our eyes both travel to the clock. He’s early.

I get up slowly but by then the door is pushed open and we hear grunting. My heart begins to thump piercingly it’s so loud it begins to ring through my ears and into my head. My mind is racing, hammering with the thought of seeing Dad’s face when he sees the state of the house. It’s all too much. The suspense is killing me.

We hear footsteps; Reed breathes in but doesn't breathe out; I on the other hand, is breathing frantically, breathing so hard I may faint. I feel sick. The door knob twists...

I close my eyes, ready to face whatever’s to come.

He enters and I hear a gasp. That’s when I stop breathing so fast and just don’t breathe at all. I open one of my eyes to have a sneak peak and imagine the worst: Dad makes the face. The face as in that says: “Everyone in the room better get out in five seconds before I explode and rip your head off.” But when I do open my eyes it’s not Dad. In fact it’s...Sophia?

I sigh with relief and nudge Reed and he shakes me off and I see clearly that he has covered those seed-like eyes of his with his small not-so-masculine hands. I chuckle lightly and whisper to him it’s not Dad.

I turn to Sophia ready to ask her what she’s doing here when it seems she has demands of her own:

“I knew I’d find you here! You left me all alone, in that...that dump! You’ve humiliated me for the last time Ethan! I’m war-“

“Quite a complainer, ain’t she?” mutters Reed quietly.

“I’m just warming up.” Snaps back Sophia.

Touchy, someone’s angry. Gotta find a way to make up to her, but how?

I reach forward ready to plant one her and she shoves me away, okay kissing out of the question, I need a distraction...

I gaze my eyes toward the room looking for something when her voice distracts me: “Ethan what are you doing? Are you even listening to me! See this is the kind of thing I’m talking about! You have no respect for me...” Yeah, yeah blah.

“No Sophia I am listening, I think I just saw a rat.” I reply lying.

Her eyes almost pop out and her voice goes shaky, “A rat! Oh my god!”

Oh yeah, forgot women are scared of little animals. It’s stupid I mean you’re ten times bigger than them! While she was scurrying around with Reed (still doesn't get it does he?) I sneak toward the table and quickly pick up the red bull and skim my eyes around the room when I suddenly pour the drink on her shirt.

She gasps in horror and Reed lets out a girlish shriek. I look at him in awe and roll my eyes. I look too late because a tanned hand is reaching toward my face and next thing I know is my cheek is burning red and the door is slammed angrily.

Well I can kiss goodbye to her no wait I can’t even do that! I've just messed everything up. All because I’m too cowardly to face the punishment Dad will give. Speaking of Dad, where is he? He would've been here half an hour ago? Buying some bread takes ten minutes max. Reed stands up and begins to pick up from where we left off but I shake my head.

“No, leave it. He’ll be here; I think maybe it’s time for you to go. Thanks, here.” I dig through my pepperoni smelling jeans and fish out a crumpled ten pound note. He takes it graciously and silently walks out.

I hobble over to the sofa and rest my leg; I had been resting a lot of weight on it when Sophia came. What was she going on about anyways? Ditched her in a dump?

Oh holy crap. Fernando’s.

We were supposed to have dinner there.

Well I guess I deserved that slap didn't I.

I sit there and stare at the clock, just waiting. And finally, the door opens. I know straightaway its Dad because he always grumbles when entering through the door. I hear the loud footsteps and know he’s wearing his clogs because they make such a racket. The doorknob is turning, I hold my breath and he’s inside.

“Ethan?” Dad asks. I crane my neck to turn to him and his eyebrows rise at the sight of the house.

“Dad, before you go mental let me ex-“ I attempt to say but he raises his hand to hush me. He walks toward me and sits in front of me and gently puts his hand on my leg.

“I know Ethan. The nerd told me.” I didn't know whether or not to be relieved or to be even more frightened.

“Before we make any decisions on how to punish you, let’s go to the hospital shall we? How did you even break your leg?” He asks curiously. I get up with his assistance and decide whether to tell him the truth.

I went through all of this crap to get the house cleaned up, received a hard slap from Sofia, lost ten quid to a nerd who snitched on me, terrorized the house with my stink, I think he deserves the truth.

“Erm, a raccoon came and... it bit me.” I say automatically. Dad looks at me and nods stiffly.

Guess there are some things you just don’t reveal.

What did I learn from all of this? To not take advantage of my freedom? Hardly. I learnt a couple of things:

1. Pick a better, braver nerd

2. When choosing a girlfriend don’t go for body, look for hair colour as well

3. Next time I order a pizza order extra large!

4. Don’t go jumping off the sofa not bouncy enough... trampoline!

I guess it’s true what women say: Boys will be boys.