Out

one-shot

She looks back to that day. A fresh tear threatening an unwelcome visit. Its been almost a year since then, but she can’t help but remember, and hate her self, for how ignorant she was.

The memories already swimming around in her head, she closes her eyes and puts her self back there. Watching and grasping at her wrenching heart, unable to protest her own actions.

“Mom, I-I need you to sit down. There’s something…” my daughter looks around the room, nervously, pulling at the hem of her skirt. “… something I need to tell you.”

I give her an incredulous raise of the head before pulling out one of the kitchen table chairs and taking a seat.

“Is this a good something?”

“I uh- well I’ll let you decide, but I think it is.”

“Mija, are you pregnant? You’ve been spending so many nights away, I should have seen this coming. Following in the family footsteps, getting pregnant in high school. Didn’t we have a full length discussion about the birds and the-“

“Mama, no. I’m not pregnant. You gave me birth control when I was 13 for Christ’s sake.” 

“Catalina! We do not take the Lord’s name in vain under this roof!”

I notice my daughter relax a bit, but just for a split second, then she straightens her self out and lets out a ready sigh.

“Mami, What I want to tell you, is… well its hard to say it right. It’s something I know you’re going to struggle with just as I have, but I need to know that you’re going to love me no matter what. You’ll love me forever right mami?”

“Ofcourse, you’re my daughter. A mother’s love never dies, you know this mija, so spit it out, before the chicken burns up.”

She looks up and closes her eyes. Her mouth opens and she huffs out an entire sentence in one breath. I can barely make out what she says. 

“I’malesbianandmeandMandiareinlove.”

“Excuse me? Love? What? I barely caught a word of that. Slow it down and repeat.”

Her face reddens and her hands ball up into tight fists at her side. 

“Mama. I’m-I’m… I’m a… lesbian.” She almost whispers. “Me and Mandi are in love. We love each other so much Mama, like you and Papi, kind of love. A love so big it hurts to breath sometimes. My tummy flutters every time I think of her. And she loves me back so much. She-“

I’m seething as I cut her off.

“No.”

“Mami?”

“No! No mas! Mandi?! Your friend who has stayed at this house a hundred times. Who was here just the other night?! Aye dios mio! God only knows what you two were- No I will not think of it and I will not stand for it. Estas loca? Do you know what this means. Why? Why, Catalina, would you do this to yourself?”

Her tears are streaming down her reddened cheeks full force now. Her mouth is pulled downwards and contorted in so much hurt. My heart breaks just seeing her like this. My daughter, hurt…and going to ruin her life.

“I didn’t DECIDE to be like this. I didn’t wake up one day and say to myself, ‘Hey I think I’ll fall in love with my best friend today’. It doesn’t work like that Mami. It just happens, and I know- I know you’re angry and upset, but I need you now more than ever. This is so hard for me. So hard, but I love her. I can’t help it and I don’t want to. I don’t want this love to ever die either, just like a mother’s love never dies for her daughter.”

“This is different. This is sinful. Do not pervert my love for you by comparing it to whatever it is you feel for this girl, your best friend. I’m sure this is just a phase, you’re confused. We can talk this out. I’ll call Dr. Walters right away, I’m sure he’s still in the office.”

I stand up, my limbs aching from the stress. I’m making my way across the kitchen to the phone propped up on its receiver attached to the wall when my daughter takes hold of my hand, just like she did when she was a child to get her way anytime she wanted to me to listen to her. 

“Mama. Listen to me. Look at me.” 

I pull my head up from its defeated position and look my daughter in her eye. I can’t help but notice how grown up she looks. The young sparkle in her eye has momentarily died as they beg me to love her and support her.

“I’m still me. I’m the same person I was this morning when you drove me to school. Nothing has changed, you just know a little more about me now. I love you. Please, please, don’t hate me for something I can not change, no matter how many doctors you call.”

I falter, briefly, and slowly pull my hand out of her grasp.

“No.” I close my eyes and my head starts shaking on its own. “I will not accept this. Leave. I want you to get out of this house, MY house. I will not provide for a daughter so tainted.” 

My eyes are still closed but I can hear her gasp and the tears that choke out after. 

“Mami? por favor…”

“Vaya!” 

I blindly find my chair and sit down and slump over, my chest feels like its caving in and I fear I’ll drown in my own tears. She’s already run out of the kitchen by the time I take my seat. As my first wave of tears begins to rack my body I hear the front door slam shut. I don’t hold back anymore and just sob, having just lost my only daughter, my nina.

She hates that version of herself. She wonders so often how much hatred she could have held to disown her own daughter.

‘She is a better person than me.’ She thinks

After months without speaking, Catalina finally came home to wish her mother a happy birthday. Upon seeing her daughter, she broke down. They fell to the ground together letting their tears fall unabashed. That was the day they decided to seek out counseling together, on Catalina’s terms. Not for Catalina, but for her. To learn to cope with her feelings, to learn to release her hate, that she had thought would never escape her. It did, of course, and their relationship has never been stronger.

She can never get those 5 months back or that moment that made her hate herself for so long, but she makes every day count. Loving her daughter has never been a challenge, and supporting her is just another part of showing that love.