Superlative

Beauty usually lives side by side with pain

Everyday starts the same. I wake up in my parents room. I walk over to the window, open the curtains and let the light serve as a reminder that it’s the beginning of a new day. Then I use the bathroom, brush my teeth, and leave the room. I go down the stairs, into the kitchen, greet the people I love, and after that I decide how I’m going to waste the day. Everyday starts the same.

I never really leave my house, most of my days are spent inside this two story building. Actions are repetitive and interactions are all familiar.

And though my days are the same, my mind is a turmoil and my feelings have no consistency.

I wouldn’t say I have any friends. You know the ones that you count on? The ones that ask because they care and not because they feel like that’s what they should do? The ones that make time for you even though they’re not related to you.

Yeah, I don’t have those.

I am a different person now. Trauma’s funny like that, starts with one person and leaves a different one behind. Well, the person I am has regular, meaningful interactions that are digital. 

The thing is, I have this truth.

The truth that I’ve shouted, begged and prayed…

I can’t wait much longer. 

No matter how many hobbies I immerse myself in, I get more and more restless, and more and more lonely.

It’s not enough.

I need passionate conversations with someone I don’t know. Where I am joyfully surprised with every turn of conversation, all the while a huge smile never leaves my face. I need spontaneous events with people I’ve just met, driving with music blasting, filled with excitement about the endless possibilities of how the day will go. Dancing in a crowd of people, lost to the beat pounding through my body, completely in the moment. And every cell in my body is alive. 

I need to feel alive.

I am not a person who is meant to be kept within walls, limited by bricks and cement. I am meant to take walks along vast beaches, explore whole cities, my laughter igniting more laughter from others.

I am meant to be heard by many, my voice meant to travel miles. My being is meant to be released into the world with the power of an ocean. For I am built to connect, encompass and change.

My home is my origin but it is not where I belong.

I am galaxies deep, and a whole world is out of my reach.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

poignant tragedy .. with such a desire and mindset to be free and fully expressive; yet imprisoned in one's own home .. agoraphobia .. not well known nor talked about .. at least in my little circle of living .. maybe a couple movies made about it .. one with Sigourney Weaver called "Copycat" ... I love it! I think she did a heck of a job portraying the terrified heroine. ... but it's your depression that has got you by the boots isn't it?! ... :( for what it's worth my friend ... your writing is pure, I think. ... vulnerable and honest .. glad you are here at the Cafe' expressing all your passions and fears and hopes ... its a good thing says i! stay safe ... peace and joy to you! :)
E.