it’s because of the in between.

A shoutout for the depressed

You know those moments, before you go from one thing to another.

Like when something makes you laugh and then there’s… a pause before you continue whatever you were doing before.

That in between? It’s what I imagine what pure dissatisfaction feels like.

At first I couldn’t name it, then I couldn’t explain it. But now I know, everything sucks because nothing good ever feels good anymore.

Before, when I was happy, something funny would lift my mood and I could reach in my memory and almost feel the exact same joy I felt thinking about it as when it happened. Now? There’s nothing.

The first time I said I was having a hard time, I cried so hard I felt like I couldn’t breath. But if someone were to ask me what I found so hard, I wouldn’t know. When you stop feeling good, and the good things that happen don’t matter, there’s this disconnect. Nothing outside comes in, like a broken bridge, like just something that spots anything from coming through. Anything from coming through to you.

My days got very dark, and smiling became harder. Hope became this scary thing I can’t do and then the thought of doing anything became impossible. 

In my mind when I looked out, I saw nothing. I reached out, and I felt nothing. For me there wasn’t one minute I wasn’t isolated and alone. 

That’s why it’s hard. 

When you have depression you have to figure out how to get through something you don’t even know how you got into, on top of having everyone trying to convince you what you’re going through is nothing. Because it’s “normal.” Tell me what’s normal about wanting to scream every second of every single day because I don’t want to get through another. About endlessly searching for any type of feeling that can convince me that I’m real, becomes all I have is the emptiness. 

It may be common, but don’t you f*****g tell me this is normal.

Author's Note

Don’t let anyone be the reason for why you don’t let yourself acknowledge that going through depression is really hard.

Reviews

[Einstein Noodle]

brutally honest write ... hard hitting .. goes right to the chest like what i imagine a heart attack might feel like .. obviously confessional .. something that can be tricky to pull off; but this is killer my friend ... no punches pulled .. so i feel you! i think of how long and how much it took for depression to finally be acknowledged by the medical field .. and listed as a diagnosis .. it wasn't really that long ago ... depression is not foreign to "normal" people, however. ... grief from loss can bring one to the brink .. so there is a certain understanding; but the diagnosis and suffering of Depression is something far more as you have so ably given us a deeper glimpse says i ... so glad you are sharing
E.

[sharleenm]

Thank you for your reviews, this one especially. It’s my latest so it’s still pretty close and you’ve said/wrote exactly what I wanted to hear/see. I’m really glad my writing touched someone like you.