Waiting Room

I’m still waiting

I’m siting on the couch, staring at the same abstract paintings I always stare at, the world news serving as white noise. And I’m waiting. 

 “You can come up now,”

I walk up the stairs, and enter the room. My therapist closes the door behind me. The first time I came here, I appreciated that she did that. When my feelings were quiet and fragile, easily drowned out by the feelings of others. They would be like noises right next to my ears, loud enough to confuse me so much that I couldn’t figure out how I felt. So, the closed door kept the noises out, and then I had the space to feel. 

Now I still do, appreciate it, but with the noises gone, I’ve noticed that my illness leads to some people treating me like I need to be a secret, like I’ll break if I’m seen. 

My parents do it. All the doctors that I’ve seen, do it. At least that’s what it feels like, but I may be reading too much into it. I sit on the couch. 

 “So, what’s been better since the last time we met?” my therapist asks me. 

Better? I don’t know. That’s my answer for everything these days. It’s crazy how a lot of truths about myself that were so obvious before, I don’t know. The hardest question for me to answer these days? ‘How are you?’

I think a bit harder about what my therapist asked me. After I got diagnosed, and my depression settled in my being and has gotten very comfortable *the little s**t*, these questions always take a lot of effort to answer.

I guess I have a lot more tools now, to deal with things. She would think that’s great, and she’d say that I should be very proud of my progress. You see, small steps are big in my world, and every step is celebrated with long hugs and ice cream. It’s kinda depressing now that I think about it. How everyone tries to make me forget it takes really f*****g long to get better.

 

She’s waiting. 

I’m waiting. I sigh. 

I’m sitting on the couch, staring at the same abstract paintings I always stare at. I wonder if it takes this long for anybody else.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever get out of this waiting room.

Author's Note

Sometimes I feel like I wait for nothing, other times I feel like I wait for everything.

Reviews

[Caroline B A Maguire]

Hello fellow poet. im Caroline. and firstly you can write poetry - and you do it well. ive been where you are a long time ago and then again recently. it gets better thats all i know . when you are in midst of the black fog of depression you think it will never come to an end but all storms run out of rain sometime. just hold on and never give up! and with regards your prose poem keep at it cause it reads beautifully and comes from the heart.. thats all you need to write well i believe..much love. x

[Einstein Noodle]

poignant ... i say it again .. you have a gift for writing .. my heart goes out to you because of how you put me with you in that waiting room ... without an answer to a simple "how are you?" ... your honesty serves you well .. we put up facades every day and ask and are asked "how are you" ... but we don't really want to know most times .. we are busy .. and we don't really know the people we are asking nor who are asking us ... so we say "Oh great!" or some other very practiced and generic thing ... in the swirl of noises .. thank the Lord for closed doors and sanctums of quiet ... we are desperate for them and don't even know it some times .. keep writing my friend .. be well and stay safe!
E.

[sharleenm]

Thank you so much.

[augustus]

Never try to explain your writing! To keep writing is excellent therapy! I know only too well and if you care to look at the list of my efforts you'll see what I'm on about! Writing is good for you and will dispense those frustrations!

[sharleenm]

When I ask myself why I post my writing here, online… it’s to connect. And it’s been made aware to me that I’m usually hard to understand on here, so I’m trying something new. But don’t worry I still cope through writing, but I don’t post all of them.

[sharleenm]

I edited it, explaining is hard. Probably going to be a while before I post another one.