Unknown

A personification of despair and desperation

Unknown & Untitled

Weather: Cloudy evening. 

Location: Bandra, Mumbai. 

Address: 

Flat No: 204. 

Name: Anjali Shanker. 

Occupation: Sales executive, Aquagaurd. 

Marital status: Married. 

Husband: amateur magazine writer.  

The silence was getting to her nerves that day. Anjali, into her thirties, was reminiscing her five years of marriage with him. The man, who isolated himself to his ‘writing room’ the whole day; Of late, she was worried about his behaviour. 

Anjali met him for the first time from a book launch of one of his work; he wore a silk Modi jacket and was surrounded by the who's who of the literary and entertainment fraternity. 

As an opinionated mid-twenty-year-old, she was able to resonate deeply to the thoughts he shared through his writing. She read his books before going to sleep, unaware that in a short period, the author himself would be sharing the bed with her. Starstruck at the event, she stammered while introducing herself; the famous writer chuckled at the beautiful girl staring widely at him. Conversations between them started to grow longer and longer, and soon their relationship evolved to be more intimate. 

Anjali's  parents were against the relationship from the outset. The stereotype of white kurta with the long beard combined with eyes that stare at space with abandon was the image they formed in their minds when she told them that she was in love with a full-time writer.   

It wasn't easy to be around him at times of a writer's block, she learned, soon after she started living in with him. His fits of anger closely followed by bouts of sorrow had her suspecting whether he was a bi-polar personality or not. Combined with dealing with her stressful times at work deepened the creases on her forehead.  

Years went by; he never seemed to get through the 'phase'. The block would just simply not allow him to make a speck over the blank white page. It would keep staring back at him, as he watches in horror like if he has come face to face with slenderman. 

Little by little, his frustration turned to aggression. He balled his fist at her whenever she approached him with soothing words of encouragement. The apple of his eye slowly did become sore. It was bound to happen, but she still stood firm, she was still willing to support him for however longer, like her belief that he would make it as big as he did when she first met and fell in love with him. 

This woman seriously had to have some balls to be supporting him the way she did all these years. 

Anjali kept herself busy in the kitchen, stirring the pot as it emanated aromatic vapours. 

On any another day, he would have appeared at the kitchen door sniffing like a bear on a scent. Not today.  

Suddenly, she heard a cracking sound and rushed to his room.  As soon as she reached the door, the sight before her was unforgettable; He raised a cricket bat and smashed the remains of the laptop lying on the floor. He wasn’t relieved until the screen came off the laptop body. She looked down at the floor, now strewn with plastic pieces, glass, motherboard chips and keyboard keys. She looked at him and saw that fury had subsided a bit, at the cost of an expensive gift. 

“Who the f**k, do you think you are?” disgust writ on her face, she was finding it hard to look at the man, whom she had run away from home to get married. Until a couple of minutes ago, she was feeling better cooking chicken stew. She read a motivational post on her phone; prompting people to keep trying no matter what and stuff like that. She thought of sharing the post with him, to lift his spirits as she knew that the call with his agent had not culminated well.

The call happened in the morning; he locked himself up in his room for the whole day since. The chicken stew she prepared for dinner was his favourite. Now she just felt like dumping it in the bin. 

He threw away the bat as well, and looked at her, studied her expression for a second, and then settled back to his chair with both hands cupped to his face. 

“You didn’t answer my question…” She said, still standing beside the door. 

“What?” he replied, 

“I asked you who the f**k, do you think you are?” she shouted. Just so that he would listen loud and clear this time. 

“I am no one, Anjali.” He said. With tears welled up, holding them back, he looked right at her, shivering. 

On another day, she would have consoled him by holding him close; Not today. 

Today, she kept staring at him indifferently from the doorway; her large, round eyes, a poker face. On another day, the sight of him crying would have her in tears as well. Not today. 

“Have you swallowed your f*****g tongue? Why don’t you say something?” He said. 

“What do you want me to say?” She said, 

“Anything my love, you have no clue what happened today.” He said, 

“Yes, I do have an idea; I believe I have a fair idea of what just happened,” She said.

“What would that be?” He said, 

“You just broke my father’s wedding gift with a cricket bat.” She said, pointing to the pieces on the floor. 

“Oh, so you are mad because of that huh.” A smile broke through his face, “You see honey; I was frustrated with it,”

Her reply was curt and crisp. “Oh, I see, why would you be frustrated with it, did it jumble the words that you typed, did it grow a mind of its own?”

“Well… I…” He tried,

“You know what I am frustrated with right now, YOU. Now hand me that cricket bat.” She stretched out her right hand. He looked at her with a blank expression. 

Anjali heard a hissing sound from the kitchen; the stew would have been boiling for a while now. 

“Excuse me,” She said and swiftly moved to the kitchen.  The stew had boiled over, leaving a bit of sludge behind. 

Anjali picked the pan and emptied it in the bin. She looked around the kitchen for some food. If not for the man who broke her dad’s gift, she was feeling a bit hungry herself. 

She opened a cookie jar, and it was empty. She looked once more, took a deep breath and walked back to her husband’s room. 

She saw a bottle of Lysergic acid (LSD) on the table. He drank a shot-glass full of it in front of her.  

The psychedelic effects kicked in immediately, He threw the glass out of the window and got down to the floor screaming, “Grenade!” Anjali shuddered when he screamed this way. 

She held the door and started to weep. “Don’t keep drinking that concoction; your head will start searching for green fairies in the room.” She said, between her sobs. 

He looked at her, his face red and restless, seething like a possessed demon. “Yes, b***h cry! Did you know that my astrologer had predicted that I would appear on the front page of every English newspaper tomorrow?"  

He continued, "I thought that I would make it today. I believed that the contract would extend to another three years. It should have made the front page news once more. Yes, b***h cry! My hopes of a good destiny are fading with each passing day.”

The fact was that Anjali’s husband had never made it to the front page; it was an article that could afford only the real estate at the bottom left corner of page three. Anjali had begged her friend at a PR agency to push the story through. 

She wiped her tears and stood straight. “Is dinner ready?” He asked. 

“There is no dinner today.” She said, looking down at the floor around, gazing the mess around her. 

“Why not?”  He asked.

“I was distracted by your performance with the bat.” 

He gulped, stomach growling with hunger, and mind numb with acid. She expected an explosion over not serving dinner. But, he just sat there, staring into space, and wiping his face. 

Anjali said, “I am going to sleep now.” She turned towards her room to the right of the hallway. 

“Anjali stop,” He said. She obliged, and stood to face him with her arms crossed. 

“You know what Amitav Shetty told me today when I visited him to renew the contract? He said that the board of directors, the publisher, and even the public wants my column out of the magazine.

They have apparently been getting letters to remove the same and put those five pages to some good use. Amitav was thinking of selling those to advertising and giving a raise to his employees.”

Anjali said, “See, it’s alright. I can understand that the past couple of episodes of your column was a bit off the mark. But, that shouldn’t render it dangerous enough to be taken off completely." 

Anjali thought out loud, "I remember that it was the column that brought us both together in the first place. You are a magical writer; it’s just that your creative fields are facing a drought at the moment. You must be patient and hold on to your will; the thick clouds shall soon arrive, and a relentless downpour of ideas will help you complete that novel. It will get published and leap to a million copies within a fortnight. Post that, your name would be a household one, with every house having a copy on their bookshelf; as a symbol of appreciation to the art you make. “

Anjali sat down beside him and kept her hands on his lap. “Please stop drinking; it is never going to free that writer’s block. You are only going deeper down into the quicksand. Remember that lately you have begun crafting your stories according to how the readers are expecting you to. You are not the writer that I once knew and loved. You never gave a damn of what the readers wanted with the characters. You had your way, your style. 

I hope you realise that you are letting fame get to you. The self-doubt is blocking the flow of creative juices. Let your head be like a hollow bamboo shoot, let the words flow freely to the paper. I am sure that you can make it through this tough time.” 

Despite all the words that flowered at his feet, her daft husband kept sinking deeper into the acid trip. 

“Am I sinking Anjali?”

“What?” Anjali said. 

“I feel that I am sinking in the quicksand right now. I need your help.” Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks as her husband reached out to her. Anjali moved closer to him. He gripped her face tightly. 

“Am I sinking, Anjali?” 

The painful cries seemed to hit her chord. Tears started to pour down her face as well. 

“Can you be the rope which would pull me to safety?”

“Yes, baby, yes.” Anjali was smiling through her tears. 

“Thank you so much Anjali.” Said her husband as he slowly brought his grip to her throat and started to squeeze it. 

“Hey, why are you…achkk… stop…” Her voice croaked as her windpipe tightened. 

“You want to know who the f**k I am, huh” His face flushed red suddenly, his biceps clenched as he kept squeezing the life out of Anjali. Her eyes bulged and her face puffed, to a pale purple as pressure bloated her face. 

In a final flick of his wrists, he heard a snapping sound from her neck as her head & body went limp.

“That is who I am.”

The astrologer was right. The front page of every English newspaper carried the name “Ashwin Shanker” the following day. Arrested for the murder of his wife, he is finally famous now; a copy with his name reached every household in the city. 

The End

Reviews

[Daniel-Andre]

The first thing I`ve got to point out is the ending. I don`t say this often, but this ending is A.W.E.S.O.M.E!!! This is a great example of a plot twist, and needless to say, I love twists such as this one. Probably why Roald Dhal`s short story "the Man From the South" fell under my liking as well. If you like reading short stories, I highly recommend this one.

In any case, I couldn`t find any grammatical errors, your sentences had a good flow and the paragraphs were chopped up in a good manner. In addition, your descriptions were short and precise. And all these factors together concludes that this text was an easy read. Which is a positive thing, of course.

The first complaint I can give, however, is about the conflict itself. Because this little situation between the two characters escalated very quickly. Don`t get me wrong, it`s a good plot, but not every story is suitable for a short story. Perhaps they`re more suitable for a screenplay, maybe a longer short story perhaps, or a novel? So frankly spoken, what I`m saying is that every manuscript has a beginning, middle, and ending. And I definitely think the middle part in this story deserves to be longer. So if you plan to do any rewrites on this piece, I suggest giving this a look.

We`re still in the middle of the frying pan, so a final complaint. My second issue lies with the dialogue. Now, the reader knows at all times which character is speaking. So there`s no confusion there, but I think you repeated the word "said" a bit too much. Just a tip, before/after each dialogue, you don`t have to use the words "said, replied, explained, responded, etc". You can use words of action to show a characters movements and body language during a conversation instead. Here`s a simplified example just to illustrate it to you:

The knight reached out his hand, "could you give me the sword?"
"Here you go, sir", the blacksmith smiled. Leaning on his knees with the blade grazing his fingertips.
"You took your time with it, didn`t you?", the knight admired the sharpness of his brand new weapon.
"Indeed, but could you please just take it? Being on my legs like this takes its toll on my back. I`m not as young as I used to be." The knight grabbed the sword by its hilt, "Of course, my apologies." The blacksmith waved his hand, "Ah no matter, no need to tell me you`re sorry. As long you spill the blood of our enemies with that steel, it`s all I need."

Anyways, I think this creation of yours was a good read. And I hope my review was helpful. Keep up the good work Soldier of Literature!

[Ashwin Shanker]

WOW Daniel BRO ... YOUR Review has given me the joy of winning an award ... If I could rate reviews... I would give this one a 100/100 ...

Remember my initial days here, when you used to painstakingly point out each and every grammatical error I make, and I would rework on it... Well... This review helps me understand that I have made progress.

You are right about the 'middle' part... I need to flesh out the characters more vividly. Perhaps throw in a little flashback and some character building is to be done and elaborately so. I will be doing that in the near future, and would likely request you to have a second look at it once I am done.

About the 'said' part.... well... Let me have a revision of the structure, perhaps in my re-write, I could fix up a bit there as well...

Thanks once more man :)

[Daniel-Andre]

You`re welcome, and I`m glad you found my words uplifting and helpful. And indeed, I remember how I pointed out the errors of your grammar xD Though, it`s really nice to see that you`ve made improvements. Lastly, I would love to give this piece a second look after a revision. So don`t hesitate to ask! I`d love to do it.

[Swetha]

WOW!!! I never expected this sort of end. I was hooked till the end. Good one....

[Shaurya Gulati]

I am marveled by the build up of the story, it was very natural and to be honest, I was expecting a sympathetic and romantic turn of events in the end, but the ending blew my mind away,Indeed a very beautiful piece of writing. Keep up the good work. :D

[Ashwin Shanker]

Thank you Shaurya for the wonderful review.

[Daniel-Andre]

All right, I`ve given this story of yours a second read. And I must say, it was worth it!

I`ve already mentioned the good stuff in the first review I made so I won`t go through that again. Instead I`ll simply talk about the improvements you`ve made. To that I must say you`ve done a good job.

Firstly, we previously talked about lenght and the "beginning, middle and end" rule. And without a doubt, you`ve extended the middle part. Which is a good thing, of course. The best about this is that you made me feel like this extension has always been there. That`s some good writing right there!

Lastly, we talked about dialouge. And I`m happy to say that you`ve improved this piece on that part as well. I felt like a got to know the couple a lot better that way, as I see their behaviour up front and etc.

Overall, I`m not an expert (you can call me that once the Myth of the Cornish series fills every book store across the globe) but I think you`ve done some amazing work, good job mate!

[Ashwin Shanker]

Hope your title reaches all far corners of the globe my dear brother.

[The Girl on Fire]

Wow, now THAT was speechless! As you said, it indeed had a dark side and was really gripping.
And I loved the way YOU didn't a give a damn about what the readers wanted. You have your way, your style. And that style is fantastic.
Anyways, I'd just say that the ending, the plot, the characters were all fascinating. And the imagination requires a huge round of applause!

[Ashwin Shanker]

Thank you for the review Yashita.

[MightyMouse]

Wow, didn't see that coming. It was a very captivating short story.

[Ashwin Shanker]

Thank you for the review Mighty Mouse.

[matrixmark]

A very dramatic beggining when the laptop got smashed....good vivid imagery. Got a great sense of despair, sadness and anger coming from the man and a sense of i can't be bothered with you type of thing coming from the woman.

OMG WHAT AN ENDING. Brilliant.

Mark.

[Ashwin Shanker]

Thank you for the supportive review Mark :)

[richieb]

Ashan,
Well written story with a shocking ending. You kept your readers unaware of the violent ending with Anjali by her sympathizing with Aswin and trying to build his confidence. I think you can build the emotions of your story at a slower rate with more content. Things happened too fast. Your plot is fine but I believe your story can be better with a more balanced build up.
Richie b.

[Ashwin Shanker]

I agree with you richieb. I am planning on editing this story by adding 'more meat in the middle' :P hehe... As other friends have also pointed out, there has to be more elaborate build-up which will ultimately lead to the climax that we all know and love. This story has potential but needs more revisions. Thank you for stopping by and giving your criticism. Well- appreciated. :)

[Ashwin Shanker]

In the meanwhile, do have a look at my latest work, 'Job application of a poet'. A very light hearted read, which would help ease the 'SHOCK' that you would have got from reading this one. Cheers..

[Anorien Isilme]

Well honestly, I am not as impressed with this piece as I am by other previous works. I think the idea needs a little refining. The second half was my favorite part with the LSD as the vice and the rapid temper as he strikes at the climax. His final line is very cold and I feel that. But, I had a hard time following the story for a couple reasons:
Sometimes the flow was almost poetic, and sometimes I got lost, like the wording was awkward or jumbled. Also, the dialogue between the characters seems to be the main meat of the story that drives the plot. When I watch the characters' dialogue I am confused by the woman. She is frustrated, sad, angry, crying...
I'm jumping out on a limb here, but if I had to guess I would say your personal point of view is evident in the man. By extension, you add the woman's perspective. And the story shows this line of thought, that she is reactive to what the man says. He talks, she yells. He yells, she calms a little. He drinks, she cries. She's confrontational then turns to passive aggression. When you take the man out of the equation, Anjali has a frenzied continuity. Almost as if her personality is not truly brought to fruition in your mind. But again, that is speculation on my part, more of an observation than a criticism.

All in all, I think that this story just needs proof reading. I have faith you will catch your own mistakes with careful re-combing. Things like wording and awkward and/or unrealistic dialogue will stick out to you.

[Schatzi]

Hello Ashan,

Wow, this is pretty good. I like how you started it with the basic mundane details. It catches the readers attention and makes them wonder what is going on here.

As I read, I honestly only found this one minor issue:

You never gave a damn of what the readers wanted with the characters. *Readers is a repeat here. Consider using a different word.

Other than that, the only other suggestion I have is to better define your paragraphs.

You did a great job here. I can see how much your writing has improved since reading your first piece. You should be proud of your progress! :)

Kind regards,

Schatzi

[Ashwin Shanker]

Hi Schatzi,

Great to hear from you once more. Your reviews are something I look forward to every time I post a work, because they are really helpful in motivating me to write better.
Glad that you liked the story. I have been working on my writing constantly and I happy to see the results are manifesting in my works. I also found it surprising that you found the beginning to be interesting as most of my friends mentioned that the climax was the highlight of the story.

I notice that you have mentioned my paragraphing a couple of times before too, could you mention how could I improve upon them, (A few examples would also help). Hope I am not asking too much. :)

I have also corrected the 'readers' part, hope it is better now...

[Schatzi]

I am glad you find them helpful. :) Yes, it is very clear you have been working hard and it is now paying off.

The ending was really good but I think the mundane way you set it up made the twist at the end so much better. Just my opinion though.

As for an example of the better defined paragraphs:

"The call happened in the morning; he locked himself up in his room for the whole day since. The chicken stew she prepared for dinner was his favorite. Now she just felt like dumping it in the bin.

He threw away the bat as well, and looked at her, studied her expression for a second, and then settled back to his chair with both hands cupped to his face.

“You didn’t answer my question…” She said, still standing beside the door.

“What?” he replied,

“I asked you who the f**k, do you think you are?” she shouted. Just so that he would listen loud and clear this time.

“I am no one, Anjali.” He said. With tears welled up, holding them back, he looked right at her, shivering.

On another day, she would have consoled him by holding him close; Not today.

Today, she kept staring at him indifferently from the doorway; her large, round eyes, a poker face. On another day, the sight of him crying would have her in tears as well. Not today."

There is a chance it just comes up crowded on my screen, but it should look something like the above. Please let me know if it is just my screen. :)

I hope this helps!

[Ashwin Shanker]

Oh. This way. You mean to say that a single space between dialogues making it easier to read.
Perfect. Thanks a lot Schatzi. Will implement this.

[Schatzi]

Oh, I apologize! It never occurred to me that by saying 'better defined' that it was so open to interpretation, but I can see I need to explain that a little bit better now in future reviews. I'm glad we are now on the same page. :)