Into The Light

This is a First Person Essay that I wrote for a Fine Arts Festival that I am participating in this year. The theme is Relentless. Never forget that you belong to the King.

It won’t stop. It just won’t stop. Stop. Please stop. Stop shaking. Stop shaking! I didn’t know the human body was capable of such tremors. It scares me. My body is scaring me. I can feel demons blowing cold winds on my skin. Whispering to each other. They’re mocking my torment. They’re laughing at me. Stop laughing. Please stop laughing. Stop.

The only remaining glimpse of light is blocked by a figure in the open doorway. The shadows grow and creep over me as the light dissipates. He is absolutely careful in sealing the door without letting loose any sound. His silence is broken by the click of the lock. The faint sound echoes in my ears and pulses louder and louder.

He crawls over me and slips under the covers. His arms coil around me, pulling me closer into his shadow. He brands me as his slave, singeing the hairs on the back of my neck with his alcohol stained breath.

I thought he wanted to hang out. He asked me if I wanted to “hang out.” I don’t know anyone who would consider what we just did “hanging out.” His dear grandfather just died. He said he was sad. The least I could do was keep him company. I thought that my kindness would help him heal.

My courage betrayed me. My strength was cut away from me. His hands came over me like the Philistine thieves. Fear crippled me. It clenched my throat and restrained my voice. My mind, heart, even my flesh screamed “no!” My body rejected what should have been pleasure. Every time he touched me, pain seared over me like an inferno.  Every gentle brush cut through me like diamonds on glass. Etched glass is easily broken. I can’t hide my flesh, but I can hide my heart. I’ll hide. I’ll pretend this isn’t happening.  I’ll go numb. Yes. I’ll go numb. He’ll be done with me soon. It’ll all be over soon.

 

How could this happen? Dear God, how could You let this happen to me? I thought You loved me. That’s what Your word says. This isn’t love.

My captor loosens his grip on me. I slowly slide away from him. It’s like creeping over a minefield. My arms and hands feel out the ground and weave over the sensitive land. Now for the rest of my body. My hands and feet grip the edge of the bed and pull the rest of me. Thoughts of freedom tease me. I can see the light through the cracks around the door. I trigger a mine. I’m too careless. He felt me shifting across the sheets. The whole bed comes alive. Capture the prisoner. His hands chase after me like dogs. He drags me back to my cell. I watch the eclipsed light fade farther and farther away every long second. 

My chains are rebound. Extra this time, to be sure. His arms come around me. His fingers penetrate the spaces between mine. His legs weave mine. He falls back asleep. After what feels like an eternity, he loosens his grip on me again. I roll over to further the gap between us. He is cautious. I can run, but he’ll keep chasing me. He will always pull me back. The process repeats again. And again. Hour after hour of trying to escape. Failure after failure. It’s been 5 hours since I was first captured. I can’t take this much longer. 

Why does he torment me so? My enemy insists on this. He won’t relent. He won’t. He won’t let me go. I’m his new toy. Branded a slave. 

Where are You now, God? I’m suffering. Don’t let him take me. I don’t want this. I don’t want to be here anymore. Take me away. Please. Take me.

He answered me. He actually looked my way. So unexpectedly, He called out to me, “By your own strength, you are here. Now by My strength, you will come home.”

Peace. I feel peace. The chains binding me unlock and fall to the ground. My suppressor rolls in his torpor. I can make it this time. With You I can. I slide off the bed with ease. You came for me and I am unafraid. You gave me back my courage. If my captor awakens, let him come. I will not falter. No more. I’m not alone anymore. You demons who oppressed me, you Philistines who came over me. I will destroy you. I find my clothes and cover myself. The click from the lock is barely audible. This eclipse is over. I open the door and walk into the light.

I keep waiting for the guilt and the pain. I walk to my car and wait. I drive home and wait. I lay my body down onto the bed You have prepared for me and I wait. The guilt isn’t coming is it? Nor the pain? I understand now. When my head and heart were screaming no, You were with me. When I was shaking under the covers, You were with me. When my captor kept pulling me back to him, You were with me. Even when I scolded You, doubted You, You were with me. You carried me all the way home. 

How easily I forget, I am Yours.

Luke 15:4-7

Author's Note

This is The first draft. As I said, the theme is Relentless. I know it isn't blatant in the writing, but I'm not into that. It needs a lot of work, but I'm hoping that with everyone's comments and reviews, I will be able to shape it into the piece that I want it to be. Please don't hold back any suggestions.

Reviews

[Kaylor Mason]

This was wonderful--the theme of God always being there, even when we can't see him (at least I hope that's the theme) is vital to our understanding of the horrors of life. When we remember that God's got us in his hand, all the cruelest atrocities and tortures that one human can inflict on another just seem to slide away, like broken shackles; they become petty and irrelevant. All our hate, fear, regret, anger and shame--gone in a wave of love. In its place, there is only peace, love, self-control and an overwhelming compassion for the whole world (even compassion for your tormentors.) It's a truly supernatural thing that can't be learned with the mind. It must be felt.
On a technical note, this style of writing was good in that it was not too graphic, dark but not suffocating, it was specific about the types of anguish yet not needlessly explicit and needlessly gross. You drew the reader in with good suspense, and ya kept him there, wanting to read more. Even though the story featured an abusive situation/relationship, it did very well to express that this was an allegory; it could also be a person struggling with internal demons in his mind, being tormented by temptations and depression. I really, really like this one because I can definitely relate to it in my own life, I guess. I've had nights like this, too terrified to even sleep--those memories always leave deep scars.
Nice work! :)

[....]

Profound piece of work here, I know can't compare to some of the below, I liked this, there is alot to be said in this write. Simply Amazing!

[jumbie's #1 fan]

I absolutely love the style you wrote this in. The imagery is really vivid and the situation is captured well in the words. I also like the little biblical references in the story like the Philistines. We always wonder why God lets bad things happen to us, but He can always turn the bad things into good, even when it seems impossible. He can make the impossible possible. Great write.

[DearSweetAgony]

This is a flawless write! In other writes about rape they usually repeat how God has forsaken them and how they keep begging for God to answer them. I am elated that you didn't take that route, I really respect that you for that. I like how in the beginning it started out with a blurred setting and yet it gave the reader a idea of the things that were happening. Like being in a dark room and hearing small, minute noises and then someone kindly yet slowly turns on the light to the picture. The climax was AWESOME! I once asked for feedback on one of my writes that I wanted to enter in a writing competition, and I failed horribly because (I would like to say) lack of feedback. So I understand that you are trying to enter this into a Fine Arts Festival, and you want it to be completely SPOTLESS of any error. So I won't bead around the bush with some canned review. I've read your Author's Note, and I understand that you don't write really elaborate stories. But I do think that maybe this should be just a tad bit longer. Because people won't really be able to fully understand this story if you start from the middle. Like for example, is this about a boy or a girl? See, that would be very important for the reader to know. Or maybe you should write on how this came about, or how this person met this demonic soul. Other than that minute flaw, you've got that festival in the bag. Great write hon, I LOVED this story!

PS: Your metaphor about the eclipse being over was GENIUS!

[Kate Hunter]

Very well done. This reminds me of the Footprints in the Sand parable. It is easy to forget about what truly matters during trials. It is hard to remember that he is there for you when you are having such terrible times. The imagery was mind blowing. I could see it all very well. Keep it up.

[CHRIS ANDES]

it was like a darkened room..
..all you have to do is switch on the light so dark forces won't come..
if you can't find the light then try to search it within yourself..
...clever thoughts!!!...