"Taco Bell is MY LIFE!"

Alright well just a heads up this story is just one of the many crazy a*s situations my friends and I always put ourselves into. Im not trying to be a pro writer or some Tucker Max.

Before anyone starts bitching i would just like to say there are grammatical errors and im simply doing this to share some of my stories if for nothing else to have them somewhere so i can look back at the good times I had. Its just a bonus if people like them, and if not f**k you because i had fun.

A little backstory: this all took place my senior year of highschool, im 18 my freinds are all around the same age and we are all young and stupid. We live Tombtone, AZ and it blows.

So back when i had some dough i decided to take the bros tubing down the Salt River, except nobody could go. lame. The one person I KNEW could go was my English friend Gary because he is a lazy person and didnt have any aspirations at the time, just like me. Road trip: Engage.

We wake up at 5:00 am to get an head start on our three hour drive to Phoenix which turned out to be much faster due to some "aggressive driving." So we wake up throw all our s**t in my car just the essentials; Beer, Clothes, More beer, snacks, cooler full of beer, and CD's. We blast "fight for your right" by Beastie Boys (our anthem at the time) as we leave our s****y town.

Now i beleive it was just out side Tucson when we had our first encounter with the now infamous "black car." I was driving like a lunatic (per usual teenager) when we passed this black Toyota Solaris. The next thing I know the same car flys past me and gets in front of me. Im goin at least 90 to 100 mph. Gary turns to me and says"who the f**k is this guy?" I look at him, accepting the challnege, and say "f**k that!" It was on. 

All the way to and through Phoenix we raced this black car, swerving around semi trucks and varius other vehicles and never going below at least 90 mph. It was a matter of pride at this point, i could let this f****r beat me and i know he felt the same. I raced this car as if there was a finish line wth the grand prize of a Jessica Alba sex slave. And i like Jessica. The greatest part about this is this guy was about 50 yrs old, had is wife of the same age with him, and what must have been his 14 yr old daughter with him. For about an hour everytime our cars were window to window Gary and I cursed at this man, and his family. To my udder amazement the guy turned to us and angrily shook his fist as old men often do. Gary counters with a middle finger. We all curse at each other, I cant remeber exactly what Gary and I said to this guy and his family but im sure they were mean and horrible things as usual.

When we get to the river we meet up with my friends from a a school i used to attend in Anthem, AZ. I'll just call them TP, Hebrew Hammer, Buzz, and Trip. We get our tubes and get on the bus where we find a group of girls ranging from moderate to hot. There are like three or four starting points to go tubing. We tell them we're starting all the way at the top of the river. They really want us to go with them at about halfway up. We are dumb and declined. I dont know why.

So its starts off as the six of us. We're drinking, having a good time and we meet up with a massive group of people. There was a MMA fighter giving away beers like they were baby girls in China and a solid collection hot chicks so I was happy. The guys would start a chant "show us your b***s!" and once and a while a girl would give a flash. The coolest dude was the MMA fighter. His last name, Kabowski (if thats spelled right), was tattooed across his back. The first thing he ever said to us was "if you need a beer just yell Kabowski and i'll toss you one." I f****n love this guy. By this time we drank all our beer so this was perfect. I was yellin Kabowski like no tomarrow and ice cold cans were raining from the heavens, altho 12 ounces of delicious goodness hurts when it lands on your balls.

Our trip was coming to the end as we neared the little beach area where your supposed to get off. The river that is. Anyway we all sart getting out of our tubes when we see Gary who just keeps on crusin. We all shout at him but hes holding his beer with both hands staring at it and is so wasted knows nothing else. Im so drunk I fall over due to the current of the river. Jeff and I lost our sandals in our drunken stuper and could'nt walk on the sand beacue it was 120 f*****g degrees. That sand was the hottest damn thing my feet have ever touched. It was unbearable. TP selfishly tries to takes the cooler to hop in sack race style while im stuck with no way to walk.

I shout at TP "Dude what the f**k!"

He rips the lid off, "here!" and tosses it at my feet.

"A*****e." 

It must have been a sight for the 30+ people there to see us two drunk teenagers, one hopping in a cooler like it was a f****n sack race, and myself standing on the lid then trowing it, trying to run to it but falling down screaming in agony. Luckily Trip came and gave me a piggy back to the shade. We meet up under a ramada and still no Gary. I freaked "where is gary! Hes probably drowned or is half way to mexico!" So i sent two of the more sober ones to find him. Now I am told when Trip found Gary two people were carrying him and yelled at Trip "Is this your friend!" He says yes and they continue "you should really watch your friend, how can you lets this happen." Or somthing to that effect.

So when they return I notice Gary is wearing two different sandals. One was the cheap peice of crap I bought him and the other was some fancy Speedo sandal. We all laugh hysterically and ask him who the hell did he steal the sandal from. Of course he didnt even realize he was wearing two different sandals let alone sandals at all.

Gary is so f****n trashed hes yelling random obscenities about the people who found him and telling us how greatful he is that we saved his life. I was pissed because I had to pay for his tube he lost but oh well it was worth the entertainment.

We arranged to meet up with some of the chicks from the Kabowski group at a pizza joint. When we get out of my car say to Gary "dude get out we're gonna get some pizza." He replies "no man just leave me. GO ON WITH OUT ME!" Like this "Saving Private Ryan" or some s**t. I say "alright, but im gonna leave you my car keys to turn on the a/c in case you get hot."  He replies simply "wned kxneteb slkpa."

We go inside, eat, chat it up with those b*****s, and we leave. As I exit the pizza place I stop dead in my tracks. I think to myself  "this cant be happening." I look at my car and I see an ambulance right next to the door where gary was sitting. I run over but it pulls away before I could stop it. "why the f**k did i park way out here!"  When I reach my car Garys door is wide open and my keys are laying on the pavement. "F**k!!!! F**k!!!!" This is just one of the many times I have panicked for Garys life. Then Hebrew Hammer yells "look!" and points across the street. Theres Gary. Stumbling down the street, shirtless, two different sandals and all, pointing and yelling at cars as they passed. Gary is a scrawny, pale, little red haired kid with freckles wondering the streets of a city hes never been to, Illegally drunk.

We all call his name. He looks around and carelessly stumbles into the street disregarding traffic. I saw first hand why j-walking is illegal. A couple cars honk as they swerve around him, nearly hitting him as he drunkenly crosses the street brarely keeping his balance. 

"What the f**k are you doing?"

"I have no Idea." 

As we get in my car and leave the parking lot we drive past a Taco Bell. At this point Gary nearly jumps out the window and yells at some employee outside sweeping. "f**k you! You f****t!" He then yells at the guy and i quote "TACO BELL IS MY LIFE!" Amongst me and my freinds this an infamous quote that gary will have forever. Gary then proceeded to tell us how the guy was talkin s**t and that he's going to kick his a*s.

The next morning Gary has no recellection of most of the river trip and after we tell him the story he is quite proud of himself. However he does remember Kabowski.

 

Author's Note

you can say: "sounds like a couple of stupid ass teenagers acting like punks." Well your right but who cares its not that serious. if you didnt drink and act crazy in those days then you missed out.

Reviews

[nyla bass]

I enjoyed the story. The madcap antics, Gary's drunkenly righteous "taco bell is my life!" (i feel ya bro), are hilarious. The slovenly diction and spelling lend subjective credence to this piece as well.