What happened To The Twilight Fan When She Met A Real Vampire.... (submission for the W.U.A.M.)

a short story about dumb teens and real vampires

 What happened To The Twilight Fan When She Met A Real Vampire....

(submission for the W.U.A.M. Group on writers cafe.)

The night was cold and dark as Britney walked down the alleyway, only a flickering streetlight provided the little light she used to see. In her hand she held a note, written on it was

“go to the alley behind Starbucks, to meet the real Edward Cullen”

being a huge fan of the popular book series by Stephen Meyers, she could not resist the temptation. The thrill of meet an actual, beautiful, sexy vampire. He body shook with anticipation. She could then hear the foot steps of another, she turned to face a man, he stood at least seven feet tall, he wore a long black leather trench coat, with the collar popped up. His eyes were a silver-gray she had never seen before.

“are you Edward?” asked Britney with a smile on her face.

The man tilted his head.

“No, I actually lured you here so I can give you proper education on vampires.” replied the man irritated.

“so, you lured me here with pheromones?” asked the girl intrigued.

“EEW!no, I don't even think you know what that word means! I lured your dumb a*s here with that letter, and because your face book status said twilight lover 4ever” he answered with a disgusted face.

“oh..” replied Britney disappointed.

The man then walked over to a turned upside down trashcan and sat on it, placing his chin on his knuckles and with a sigh said.

“first of all, we are not bloodthirsty psychopaths, we control it quite well. We are not flawlessly beautiful, and we do not sparkle,”

“but you can go out in the daylight right, its just a myth that you cant right?” asked the girl as if she knew all.

“no you dumb a*s, we cannot go out in the daylight are you stupid? Stop thinking about twilight for two second pleas? We cant even go out on a cloudy day, it is inside, or night time, that's it! Next, we do not have unique powers, we all have the same abilities, there is no vampire covenant, we are pretty much rouges of our own species.” explained the vampire in a teachers tone.

“so...what would happen is a human and a vampire had sex?” asked the girl.

“nothing, if a cat, and a dog f**k, do you expect to have little half dog half cat monstrosities running around?” asked the vampire.

“no...”

“then there you go, you could have answered that one yourself. Next, were-wolfs, and vampires do not hate each other, in truth were-wolfs are very dumb creatures. If we are hunted by anything, then it would be a slayer, or a Lycan. By the way, were-wolfs cannot choose their form, only Lycans can do that.” he then sat on the can waiting for the girls response.

“so...is there anything in the novel that is true?” she asked.

“yes, we love blood, and we can turn humans into vampires.” he replied looking at his fingernails.

“so, why did you bring me out here?” she asked.

He then licked his lips, and walked over to her slowly.

“well, I said we can control our blood lust, but I never said we could quench it.”

he then grabbed the girl by her shoulders and lifted her into the air, he slammed her against the wall of the Starbucks, his fangs were dripping with saliva, and his eyes were wide with hunger. The girl began to kick and scream for her life, she cried and shouted for help but no one could hear her at this hour.

He then bit into her jugular vain and began to drink the ruby red liquid he had been craving for he past few hours. Soon, the blood ceased flowing and the girl was dry. He dropped her to the ground and lit a match. As he dropped it on her hair and she caught a flame, he Chuckled,

“there is one good thing Meyers has done for us... she has given us plenty of dumb horny schoolgirls to drink from.” he then walked away.

Moral Of The Story?

Stephen Meyers is the number one leading cause of death by vampire in the world....

The End

Author's Note

i coulldnt stop laughing while i was writing this...tell me if i made any typos pleas lol.

Reviews

[Legion]

lol Good one. But it is Stephenie Meyers not Stephen. There are quite a few typos as well. You need to read my piece "Dear Stephenie". Pertains to similiar ideas. Not quite as funny as yours, but I think you'll find it on familiar grounds. Kudos.

[KatiePie]

There are a few typos in this, but other than that the whole thing was beautifully written :D
I loved it and I couldn't stop laughing.
THANK YOU so much for writing this!! ^-^
I loved the way it ended

[RDOriginal]

This is very droll. Although I've not actually read the books I have suffered through two of the films. Before anyone says this is a form of self-mutilation I had no choice! Once on a plane journey when there was little choice and the second because I was a house guest and we were watching loads of films. As pointed out it perhaps needed more proof reading but you've managed to get such a reaction I think it's safe to say you've written a very succesful and amusing piece!

[Rosey]

lol thank you so much for writing this!

[Anthony M Smith Jr]

Yes, I agree this is funny and don't change anything.
Life and light!
TT-TTO-NI-K
Elk

[heich]

this is sooooo good..i cant stop laughing..lol..i just cant..

[Nina Kari]

Ok, I'm a fan of Twilight series and I have to say I just loved this! It was hilrious!
Somebody needs to make this into a short film, I bet it would even be better than Twilight lol

[Emme]

Oh my gosh. I couldn't stop laughing. I cried with laughter. I think a couple friends of mine who are Twihards would be angry. (Yeah, some of my friends would get their blood sucked by this guy.) All I can say about grammer, at a glance, is that it needs capitalization at the beginnings of quotes. Otherwise, this was just fantastic and way too funny.

[SimplyDisastrous]

Lol, this is GENIUS, man! You had a very good amount of typos but it was still an excellent write! Good job! :D I couldn't stop laughing, Lmao. I'm okay with Twilight but I'm this huge fan or anything.

[TAO]

Listen, I'll be honest with you... Grammar is poor. Disregard that. I laughed the entire time I read it. Despite the grammar issue, I think this was very, VERY funny. It could have only been better it had been Edward being slain by either Van Helsing or Blade whilst he tried showing the girl his sensitive side. Nice piece of work.