The Mighty Dragon

rate? comment? im gonna post it on the "society of fairies of old" group page

 I am the grand dragon of this castle,

        Im know from far to near.

So I’ll ask you just once friend,

        What are you doing here?

 

I cut through the air like a sword,

        And shake the ground when I walk .

And I shall breathe fire upon you, and turn  your bones to rock.

 

I am the grand dragon of this castle,

        that’s who I’ve always been.

Of all who have ever entered here, none have left again.

 

So you see, you have sealed your fate my friend by merely walking in.

There will be nothing  left of you, it will be as though you had never been.

Author's Note

wat do you think?

Reviews

[Weaver]

"Im know from far to near" - "I'm known from far to near" - I like how you flipped the standard expression "near to far" around.
"ask you just once friend" - comma after "once"
"And I shall breathe fire upon you" - Meter seems off here - maybe "And I shall breathe my fire on you" instead?
"Of all who have ever entered here" - "Of all who've ever entered here" (meter)
"your fate my friend by" - commas before and after "my friend"
"it will be as though you had never been" - "as though you'd never been" (meter)
Nice driving iambic meter, generally - sounds like the footsteps of the dragon (what Tolkien called "the tramp of doom" *g*)

[Luke]

i think you could have done a little bit more, didnt really engage me as a reader although i do find ur writing and vocabulary superb,

[Carlton Lloyd Smith]

This is spooky in a fun kind of way and I like the idea. My advice would be to first fix the spelling error in the second line. Then I would look at the rhythms in the lines as they don't all fit together quite right. It can be difficult with a rhyming work to find the right word or phrase, but it really is essential to the readability of the piece. The rhymes are all good, except for one. I would find a way to rework the second stanza - only because "turn your bones to rock" doesn't seem like a plausible result for having fire breathed upon oneself.

All in all I liked it. I think it's a fun piece and with some work could be quite excellent.

[NinjaPi]

Well it is cute. It has a novel feel too it. I think it is quite nice to read. Dragons are so great to work with. I like the hint of rhyme in it. Your poem has a sweet childlike feel.

[V. Lucien Maier]

hum very good, an unseal topic, good structure and vocabulary well done