Prolouge

the explanation of the events leading up to Fox Trot

 “You are you’re best friend…”that is what any war veteran from the twenty second century will tell you. It is April, eighth, two thousand two hundred sixty four .a major war with Japan has ended and America is in the middle of a depression .within the two hundred years of there discovery the half animal half human creatures known as neo-sapiens have help humans in war and economy. A half human half animal sounds like a demon monster from hell to most but science has proven them to be nothing more than a split off from the evolutionary chain we split off of, along with neanderfalls. They where afraid of our species after seeing how we destroyed the neanderfalls  it was a natural instinct to take after a certain animal in there immediate habitat, such as a wolf ,the humanoid would grow thick grey fur and grow sharp teeth ,go on a full carnivorous diet while  travel close to other’s. They came from all over the world to revile there selves.  Some mammalian and some reptilian. But all unique and just as smart as humans. They try to blend in with the goings of the world, they learned to speak the various human languages and human customs, the children went to normal schools and a lion human ran for mayor of a small Japanese town called Mabasa. though just like any other race of human or free thinkers there where radicals who tried to kill many of these innocent creatures in 2201 a young bear child was shot in the head by a radical human in response the boys father killed the man the father was put to death…  the part that pissed most of the neo-sapiens off was the fact that the father wasn’t even given a fair trial. In response the judge that gave the quick and overall pointless trial was interviewed in it he said “these creatures make me sick it doesn’t matter if they can write or learn what will happen when they get out of control? They are nothing more than waste of god’s power. But it is my understanding that god didn’t make them they are satins creations sent here to kill us all!!!” three years later his sons started HAA (Humans Against Animals) HAA was soon called the second KKK only this time it was all and any race except neo-sapiens. over the past four years the HAA has killed over half a million neo-sapiens and have blamed them for the Japanese war. Today is going to be a strange day for my life is going to change drastically…  

Author's Note

once again. this is just the rough draft!!! pleas do not tell me that the seven chapters that follow this prolouge are too short because i know they are short and poorly written but i realy need to know what the public thinks of the IDEA of the story. lol thnxs!!!
p.s. remember if you have an idea for a neo-sapiens character pleas leave the animal name lol!

Reviews

[Through the Gateway]

I'm gonna review this chapter by chapter. I will make the obligatory remarks about spelling, punctuation and formatting now to get it over with so that we can progress into the actual meat of the story:

I don't know if you want to become a professional writer or not, but I would stress to really pay attention to those details. It is distracting and draws the reader away from the story to see so many gramatical errors. I don't want to be the schmuck professorial type, but please take my advice to heed. For one thing, less people will bash you for it and not read your story altogether. For the other, a well formed sentence will draw the reader in like a path to the psyche. How our stories look is as important as the words we choose.

Now, that *that's* over....

It is an interesting idea, but I'm not happy with the way it's told. This is less narrative and more like you're trying to pitch the story to someone else. People will either like the idea or hate it. For what you're trying to do here, which is give some history and draw the reader in, you might give it more of a prophetic feel. Think "Lord of the Rings". You've got an entire back story that only the surface of which is touched on in the book. You've got to make it feel less like "this is what happened" and more like "this is a selected piece from history that is relevant to the upcoming story."

I hope this helps.

[Jake Donald Stephens]

First thing that came into my head reading this: X-Men.
But that's neither here nor there. My advice would be to do away with this prologue completely, and incorporate the back story info into the first few chapters. Don't tell everything up front, introduce the character and storyline, then reveal what's going on bit by bit. Through the presentation of mysteries, the reader's curiosity will be piqued.
Naturally, I'll be reading the rest, since I love all your ideas and the worlds you create.
And uh, did I imagine it or was Naota's hometown mentioned?

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[Ron]

At last a true constructive review! Thank you Lonestar! Shane, no doubt, is young. His work may seem immature but his mind is teeming with good, vivid ideas. This and a will to write is gold dust. So carry on Shane. Slow down. Roll the ideas around in your head. Do not ramp them all out in one work they are too valuable and may not knit well together. Shane has good potential regarding imaginative ideas and practise will make perfect. One worth nuturing here I think!

[Coyote Poetry]

You have create a very interesting tale. To erase a new race I could see in this world future. I like the history you gave. I will read on. A very strong start to the story.
Coyote

[Senseless whatever]

Good write. Interesting topic that stirs interest. As stated it is a rough draft, a few typos, missed spaces and things like that but overall pretty good stuff.

[jose]

this story sounds interesting and i cant wait to read more. one suggestion for when you edit, change the prologue a little bit because to me it all sounds like 3rd person point of view, then at the end you switched to 1st. The prologue is kind of short, i know your saying to not tell you, but it should be longer. thats just my opinion though.

as for the idea itself, its a very good idea. I think its very cool and i'm going to keep reading it. The idea is very cool and it has my interest. Great idea overall.
its really good.

[Jemma]

Its seems like an intresting story but it wasn't exactly captivating. I think it needs a bit of work but could go from a bit of fun to a well written story.
Good write so far though.

[the nothing]

I love personally I think you should keep the book cut off into smaller chaps exelent write well from the prlouge I can't wait to start reading the rest