I was counting on it (The D word)

a couple of years ago i was told i would be dead or approaching death by now due to my kidney disease. while i am in almost constant pain, i am stuck in medical limbo...

I was counting on it (The D word)

Maybe the reaper was late,
His schedule got all fucked up.
I was counting on it,
Getting picked up.
Getting whisked away,
Dead one night,
Finding answers the next day.

Told I was dying and I am still here,
Struggling with pain, pills and all the fear.
Scared to take a step towards normality,
Petrified of walking into the glow of sobriety.

No one really understand me,
But s**t they think they do.
Think they know an ounce of the s**t I've gone through.

What I'm willing to do,
Hell I'd go back three years honey,
do so much s**t different that it ain't even funny.
Maybe be an adult and save some f*****g money!

Not tell a damn soul about my secret love,
Let it take off yeah like a black dove.
Man s**t I was counting on it so bad,
It's so sad,
That I can say this but I, survived and said
'S**t'

Lets replay this,
Go back to the start,
Bitter sweet? F**k no it's just tart.
Burning my body and slitting my veins,
Sitting up at night, every night going insane.

Endless sleep,
The Jesus meet.
Call it what you want but god damn I wanted it so bad,
Waited for it everyday, when it didn't happen I was so sad!
Everyone around me was so glad!
They didn't even realize I had fucked my life up so bad!

Now I am clueless,
Feel so useless.
Sick all the time?
Yeah, pretty f*****g sick of this!

Author's Note

Fourth part of F/A/B/A/P/F2,
a couple of years ago i was told i would be dead or approaching death by now due to my kidney disease. while i am in almost constant pain, i am stuck in medical limbo in that they don't have any cure for the illness, and can only treat the symptoms. it is so frustrating living in this motionless hell. i am stuck exatly where i was one year ago and i see no way out, at times i wish i was dead already. no i am in no way suicidal, just tired.