Tiana

The warmth of the sun’s rays
Caressed her soft tender skin,
The redolence of the freshly bloomed flowers
Waked the dainty darling by a kiss on her chin.

Her food lay on the table,
Drowned in her own blues,
Young tiana, walked past the room
Without tasting the juice, nor the stews.

The touch of the green grass
Rejuvenated her broken mind,
She just ached for a company
Who would be cosset and kind.

The young girl roamed alone
And gazed out of her window sill,
Watching the other children play,
while mom feeding them hot cheese fill.

Waving her hand to the girl next door
Who was sitting on her mama’s lap,
Tiana then walked in to have
Some food and take a short nap.

The sun had set giving way
To the night and the glittery moon,
Tiana sat near the brown teak door,
Wishing that her mom would return soon.

The chilly breeze brushed away
Her tiny droplets of tears,
She sat alone on the stairs,
Forgetting her dark night fears.

Missing her parents as everyday,
With wet lashes she slept,
Longing for parental love she quietly lay on her bed,
Thinking of her unfulfilled wish, everyday she wept.



Fifth Place

May 17, 2010

• The Truth Hurts
• Tiana

Tawny Award

Jul 27, 2010

• BROWN
• Tiana

Moon High Award

Aug 5, 2010

• AFTER THE SUN GOES DOWN....
• Tiana

Amazing Poetry!

Aug 8, 2010

• Through the eyes of a child.
• Tiana

Reviews

[Genevieve]

This is such a beautiful and poignant piece. Such delicate wording and yet so loaded with emotion. It is the type of piece that nudges the reader to broaden their view and consider other peoples perspectives. As a mother and as someone's daughter this really spoke to me. Well done! :) I enjoyed it very much.

[Cleve Sylcox]

Nice, very nicely done. I feel you have a lot of deep emotions within and this reflects in your work. Keep it going, keep it flowing. Peace, Love.

[Ambrosia]

very nice, delicate, and there are a few 'flow issues' but can be fixed.

[Manda]

awww wow this was awesome! well done =)

[Salvatore Buttaci]

The warmth of the sun’s ray’s (change to rays)

To munch her breakfast, she did refuse. (change she did refuse because it hurts the rhythm and it's an old style not used anymore)

Who will be cosset and kind. (change will to would)

Watching other children play, and Smiled (smiled)

Waved her hand to the girl next door (Waving)
Who was sitting on her mama’s lap! (change ! to ,)
Tiana then walked in to have
Some food and to take short nap.

Her little pup bonked the cup to say cheers. (this line somehow takes away from your poem's mood)

Missing her parents as everyday, she (delete as and put she on next line)
Later went to sleep,
Longing for parental love she quietly laid on her bed, (change laid to lay)
Thinking of her unfulfilled wish, everyday she did weep. (the did weakens your ending)

Try revising your poem, taking the above suggestions, so this good poem is even better!

[Bette]

this is sad i like it and the flow is nice. i cant see mistakes, its not in my genetic make up.lol

[HappyTaylor]

I love this. Is is so beautiful. And it flows so well. It's beautiful.

[An owl on the moon]

This is a deeply beautiful write, and you share with us the sadness of feeling alone... wanting that parental touch and voice to comfort... Very accessible to all of us... Your words here are wondrous...

[Doreen]

In the second stanza, "Near it was freshly prepared juice". The words 'near it was' doesn't quite sit well. If you're saying that near the bread and cheese also sits freshly prepared juice, you might come up with a more vivid way to word this.

In the last stanza, you write, "...she quietly laid on bed". Did you mean to say laid on her bed? It seemed chopped here.

This is a lovely poem. I like the way that you convey the loneliness and the longing for a parent's love. I feel for the girl who quietly waits to be accepted and loved. She's so sad. Nice work.

[just rose.]

I think some of the word choices are excellent because of the theme -- that is to say you have almost a nursery rhyme quality to the story, but the theme of abandonment/neglect is very sad indeed, and so it serves as a foil to your line structures. Overall a very emotional piece.