Tiana

The warmth of the sun’s rays
Caressed her soft tender skin,
The redolence of the freshly bloomed flowers
Waked the dainty darling by a kiss on her chin.

Her food lay on the table,
Drowned in her own blues,
Young tiana, walked past the room
Without tasting the juice, nor the stews.

The touch of the green grass
Rejuvenated her broken mind,
She just ached for a company
Who would be cosset and kind.

The young girl roamed alone
And gazed out of her window sill,
Watching the other children play,
while mom feeding them hot cheese fill.

Waving her hand to the girl next door
Who was sitting on her mama’s lap,
Tiana then walked in to have
Some food and take a short nap.

The sun had set giving way
To the night and the glittery moon,
Tiana sat near the brown teak door,
Wishing that her mom would return soon.

The chilly breeze brushed away
Her tiny droplets of tears,
She sat alone on the stairs,
Forgetting her dark night fears.

Missing her parents as everyday,
With wet lashes she slept,
Longing for parental love she quietly lay on her bed,
Thinking of her unfulfilled wish, everyday she wept.



Fifth Place

May 17, 2010

• The Truth Hurts
• Tiana

Tawny Award

Jul 27, 2010

• BROWN
• Tiana

Moon High Award

Aug 5, 2010

• AFTER THE SUN GOES DOWN....
• Tiana

Amazing Poetry!

Aug 8, 2010

• Through the eyes of a child.
• Tiana

Reviews

[Lorraine]

What a touching piece. The idea of a child waiting at home for parental love appears refreshing and innocent to me. It's easier to focus and feel it because it's centered on just plain longing rather than adding a lot more conflicts than necessary. Great Poem.

Keep Writing. ^___^

[Stammers]

It had a small European village feel to it, don't know where I got that from - the provided picture helped.

Suggestion -
Waked the dainty darling by kissing on her chin - kissing on her chin doesn't really sound the best I'd stick with something less wordy like 'by a kiss on her chin' or 'by kissing her chin'.

At times this is a little wordy, and the rhyming limits it in some places. But overall it was nicely expressed.

[rachielle]

The imagery in this poem was very dominant. Even more so, since the image you put up with it added to the readers' visualization of the whole setting. I believe this issue is very timely since more and more parents are putting all their efforts to earn money, and slowly (and unconsciously too) neglecting their kids. This attitude makes the kids grow up to be sad, empty people; a lot resulting in their inclination to drugs and suicide. What you wrote can help people be aware of such circumstances, and thus, be more conscious about their actions. Great job!:)

[HorrorMaster]

I agreed on the parents, like they don't care. I love this poem.

[Laura Nikkinen]

For "some" reason I am getting a feeling you have gone through this in your own childhood (I have... and probably most people would say that so have they on a certain level).

You talk very beautifully of an issue that career orientated parents create in their families, that's the only aspect that I would reconsider in future writing, for my personal taste... this poem is almost too pretty, when it comes to describing Tiana's world (but that's only me), having no parents is romanticized (i don't know how others feel about this?)

The mood is very melancholic and the flow of your wording supports the easiness of reading this... and I mean, I like it when words are nice and easy, it's not always bad, but... For me as a reader, the subject matter and the actual wording of things (form.. whatever you wanna call it) clash for me.

Anyway, your command of language is very admirable, and I can learn from this work, and that is very desirable for a writer I think everyone can agree on that... for me when I read things... I can tell it's a good poem, if I start dissecting and analyzing it to learn from it, and you accomplished this.

[Phibby Venable]

you have a masterful grasp of english, esp. if it is not your first
language. I love the poem. It sends an important message. It is
also very visual, so that we are able to see Tiana and her pain.
wonderful poem.

[Shell]

Very good message, very good flow. I'm not a rhyming poetry fan, it is often forced and cheesy. But I make an exception from time to time. It helps that you did every other line as a rhyme. It's not overwhelming that way.

Suggestion:
Tiana then walked in to have
Some food and to take short nap. (you need another article here, perhaps Some food and to take A short nap (add A), or Some food and A short nap (add A & remove to take))

[X]

There are only a few little things flow wise that I would suggest changing:

Watching other children play, and smiled (put a "the" in front of the word "other".)

Some food and take short nap. (take out the "to".)


Besides those two changes, that would honestly be okay without, I think you did a very good job with this particular piece. It has a strong message behind it and it makes you want to continue reading. Nice write.

[Poetic Beauty]

The flow of this poem is nicely done and the topic of this poem makes all of us as parents, stop and take a good look at the world and our life around us. We need to slow down and spent more time with our children for they soon will be grown and no longer want to play with us or want those kisses and hugs. We need to enjoy that moments that we have with them for the grow up really quickly. This poem is great for making us take a deeper look inside and outside.

[Ferg]

Very beautiful and wonderfully written. It flows well as I read and it exudes love and warmth and heartfelt sentiment. Nicely done!