In the form of a Pill..

drugged and raped...True story..

I close my eyes

the misty night air

tightens in my throat

I gasp

re-living you like a desperate lyric

reverberating over and over again

that night

a malignancy stained

into the fundamental existence

of trusting ignorance

a chartreuse soul

reading scarlet letters

and blaming myself

for your friendly portrayal

and lustful betrayal

in the form of a pill

slipped into the fragrance of saffron

when the roses were in bloom

and only you knew the intensity

of a broken heart lost and alone

in the crumbled foundation

of a troubled remnant

where the fabric of a young bride

had been ripped and torn to shreds

in the wake of a marriage

and the wake up call of a mistress

I was broken and helpless

and YOU

disguised as a friend

moved in for the kill

in the form of a pill

dazed and confused

intoxicated by a sip

of tasted betrayal

that left me lethargic

in the arms of a monster

when even then

you were not man enough

to go it alone

and the two of you

still echo in sounds

of muffled laughter

and unclear words

that follow me

forever trapped

in the dark corners

of a cerebral mask

where shame and self blame

lived for years

in the memory of four missing hours

that come like flashes of blinding light

and hidden memories

forever reappearing

disguised as a friend

that stole my will

in the form of a pill...

© 2010 bj smith

aka shallimarRose

see also : Raped by a friend..A Night of betrayal, a lifetime..

Author's Note

Bleeding ink.

Reviews

[Jack...]

A monster is a monster even if they wear the mask of a friend. So sorry this is a piece of your history my sweet friend. These nightmares seem to cling to us forever, but somehow, perhaps through writing about it, I would hope you find a way to hide it in the dark shadows somewhere. The good thing is your wonderful poem can be a warning to other's who might now think twice before putting their trust where it maybe does not belong.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Jack.. a few have already private messaged me and thanked me for the story and giving them strength. I have one working on writing her own story now also. I almost feel as if it was not only my pain that got me to write all out but maybe higher purpose. Maybe this will turn out to be a blessing in disguise in some way as strange as that sounds. Thank you Jack for the love and support and taking the time to read. xo Rose

[MsJewel]

I know too well Rose exactly how you feel. You are brave to write about it. I hope it helps you heal. Hugs, Julie

[shallimarRose]

After keeping quiet for so many years it absolutely feels like a weight is lifting thank you Julie..

[MsJewel]

You are welcome. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[shallimarRose]

It was a very long time ago. I thought I had gotten past it until 2010 when the flashbacks began and the questions I need answered are so strong in my mind. xo

[wordwarrior]

Oh this one is such a wonderful poem that takes me back to your recent story about your abuse. In poetic form you have expressed your feelings with power and shattered emotion.
This is a poem of one to whom strength will return.
Excellent writing Rose.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you WW.. Yes I know I will feel better at least for awhile.. This one surprised me.. xo

[Rita L. Sev]

This kind of deception and violation puts animals like him into the deepest pits of hell... This is a brave write, Rose, and I hope cathartic as well.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Rita yes it is.. Rose

[melissa]

the poem was wonderful but i'm so sorry this happened to you no man should force himself on any woman or the other way around

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Melissa.. The poem is like a letter I wrote to the rapest.. Rose

[icelandicblue]

I read your other piece and this piece does indeed bleed ink. It must be necessary for you to do so. I hope that you find relief and release by sharing your pain. I admire your courage.

[shallimarRose]

Well when there is no one to verbally talk to and you are forced to hide your tears the only way to get it out is in ink.. Posting it was an after thought. Thank you for reading.. xo Rose

[Michael G. Smith]

The deeds of evil men are the hardest to read. We beat up our own elves trying to figure out why, rarely realizing that good people and their victims can't understand stand something they're not. Hopefully we all could learn that forgiveness although the hardest, it is the greatest healer of self. You have a craft for words.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you my friend. I am a graduate of the school of hard knocks.. ;) Rose

[Ruth]

Oh love...firstly, it takes guts to write this...secondly...superb articulation and love to you xx

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Poppy for stopping to read and your support. Yes it was difficult to write the story itself. The poems come pretty easily as a poet I'm sure you know. xo

[Ruth]

Yes...nevertheless, this is the type of poem that needs to be seen and I am blessed to have it xx

[Ruth]

*have read it...typo day lol

[Hatchling]

Scary but a great write. Keep up the great work

[shallimarRose]

Thank you again Shy.. xoxo

[Hatchling]

you're welcome oxoxo

[stephanie]

It's a very scary thing, I'm sorry this ever happened to you, and your writing is very inspirational.
stephanie

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Stephanie..

[stephanie]

your so welcome, I'm 17 so this inspired me to be careful and to take caution.

[dw817]

⊰ℛℛ⊱
A flunitrazepam derivative perhaps ? Rose (my G/F) did something similar to this with me a year ago and I passed out on the couch unable to even speak. Didn't wake up till noon the next day. She apologized but still, wow.

I think the same thing happened when I was at a college party - well, I'm not going to recall that horrible night right now. But yes, Rose, always be aware of what is happening around you, and don't take strange drinks or pills from 'friends.'

There is always an ulterior motive behind friendship from strangers. Sometimes it is harmless, sometimes - it is fatal.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you and yes I wrote as if it is only women it happens too but men are also often assaulted as well. He was not a stranger .. My husband and I had been friends of him and his wife for years.. as couples we went to ballgames together, funny car races, had each other over for dinner all the time.. My husband and him played guitar so we went to clubs, and, danced. His wife and I both times got pregnant within a couple of months of each other. If I did not know him well I would never had agreed. My husband introduced them to me when I was about seventeen this happened right before my 21st bd.... How could I even suspect such a thing. this all happened while his wife was in the hospital just having given birth to their second child.. He was a predator I guess but I didn't see the signs.. a
fter my husband left me he began coming over to my house after work to see if I was ok. Just asking if there was anything he could do.. telling me not to feel down on myself, that my ex was insane for leaving such a beautiful wife.. I never took it as anything but a friend trying to comfort a friend that was hurting. His wife knew he would stop by. He would relay messages between us.. I still cannot get my mind around how he could do this.. :( Thank you for reading.. xo

[dw817]

Hmm ... Did you take any legal action ? I talked with my Dr about what Rose did the week she gave me that rape pill and he said we could take her to court for it, for taking advantage of me.

I said I didn't want her hurt. He sighed and said we can't do anything then. But let HER KNOW that he knows what she did and if it happens again, there will be legal action taken with or without my approval.

Very sorry you were betrayed. In many ways I feel betrayed with what Rose did. She said, "she did it for my own good." Whose good ? I wonder ...

[Sue]

This was hard to write I am sure so well done for being brave to put pen to paper x

[shallimarRose]

Yes it was difficult but things that are difficult make us stronger I think Thank you Sue for coming to read and for understanding. xo