Raped by a friend..A Night of betrayal, a lifetime of Pain

True story.. Writing through the pain. Thank you for taking the time.. sR

 Flash backs began again in March of 2010 for some reason after so many years of silence.  There are still a lot of puzzle pieces I cannot entirely fit together.. a lot of dots that still do not connect.   Sometimes my memories of that night come to the forefront of my mind and they are hard to face.   I know from experience that the only way for me is to face them and to just let them out.  This is something that keeps me down and I really need to let go of this week before the depression gets any worse.  The sound of my own silence is sometimes deafening and the heart feels hollow.

I originally wrote and posted parts of this back on MySpace back in 2010 when the flashbacks and darkness began.  It was very difficult for me to write about it then and still it is not easy for me because memories and tears always fill my eyes along with my pages even now after all these years.     I had seldom spoken of this but I hoped telling this story would help me release some of these feelings that lay heavy on my mind and heart and it did for awhile but it always comes back to haunt me..   I also posted hoping maybe it might help others to understand how these date rape drugs work so if it ever happens to them they can recognize it sooner than I did.  Sometimes I feel I just need to write it down because it feels like it kind of gets it out of my head for awhile, but just for awhile.

This happened in 1971 but the memories and the realization and magnitude of what happened did not begin to reveal itself to me until almost a year later.  They came in dark fragments, in bits and pieces.  That's the way the "Spanish Fly" or now the "date rape drug" often works......

blank memories

that night devour my consciousness
it was the little something slipped into my drink
I blamed myself for the emptiness

my lack of recollection defied reasoning
four hours deleted from my memory card

when only darkness filled my head

one by one they began to surface

 flashbacks of that night

coming in the night

flashes of unbearable disturbance
 when I could feel him there once again
350 pounds of him on my 95 pound frame

........sometimes
I still hear the sound of his voice

smell the over powering stench

his cologne mixed with sweat

maybe mixed with the scent of sex

I hear the muffled laughter

.......I still cringe
he was not alone in his hunger
the two of them, brothers
taking from me what was not theirs to take

robbing me of my dignity

my self-worth suffering still to this day

I feel the burn of the scarlet letter

they branded my self image forever

I can almost see his face even now

my so called friend
I shutter at memories
and I wish they were still blank

sometimes I crave the nothingness

wishing again my mind to just go

blank...

 

bj smith

aka shallimarRose

He watched me as I cared for my own recently born baby girl. 

I could feel him staring at my engorged breasts but I could not fathom what was going through his sick mind.   He stopped by my house after work to tell me my friend (his wife) had finally given birth to their new son by C-section and was in the hospital.  He asked me  if I would come help him clean and disinfect the house getting it ready for the return of his wife and their new baby coming home from the hospital in just a few days. They were friends of ours and so I readily said yes. How could I even imagine what he had planned.

 

I took my newborn baby with me as I was still breast feeding her.  I entered their home and put the infant seat with my four month old daughter on the kitchen table and went about scrubbing down the nursery.  I barely finished the baby's room and began the bathroom.  I went back downstairs to check on my daughter who had been sleeping.  It was a sweltering day In day nearing the end of September.   He came over and asked if I wanted something cold to drink. I had been working hard and was thirsty so I said yes.  I expected water or maybe a coke but he brought me a  bottle of right time which was kind of a flavored beer.   Just one drink that I never even finished.  Soon after the first few sips I began feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach. The room was spinning and my legs felt like collapsing.

He told me to go lay on the couch because I was so disoriented.   I staggered to the sofa. I distinctly remember keeping my feet flat on the floor. Mom use to always tell us girls "keep your feet flat on the floor and you will be alright".   I sat in the corner of the sofa and laid my head on the corner armrest cushion. That was the last thing I remembered.

About four hours later I was awoken by yelling when my then estranged husband showed up screaming at me. I felt so ill and I could tell I had vomited.  He was furious at me for having the baby there so late. He didn't even suspect a thing, how could he? Even I did not know or suspect at that point what had happened. I was too sick and four hours of my life were just gone.. missing.

I did not remember what transpired that night and I wish it had remained that way. Not eating and being on tranquilizers due to the messy divorce I was going through I thought maybe the mix of the tranqs and the one drink? Well maybe that was why I was drawing a blank.  Where did those four hours go?  Why was the cleaning never finished? What happened there that night? I could feel the uncomfortable feeling the next morning. Had sex occurred? He called me on the phone and told me that I had gotten so drunk and it was consensual sex.  It made no sense.. I didnt even finish one drink how could I be that intoxicated?  He told me I told him I wanted him.. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stand the fat slob but somehow he managed to put doubts in my head because of my medications... He was married to my friend and so I never said a word. I didn't want to hurt her and I still was trying to sort things out. Figure out what happened.  Days and weeks and months past but still I could not fill in the blank pages of that evening.  None of the puzzle pieces fit. About eight months to a year later they began... little flashes of light, of memories, flashbacks.

The flashbacks came...I began to remember bits and pieces.

I remembered him asking me what I would do if he came over to me on the sofa and kissed me. Asking me if I had ever been with a large man before(large I think meaning heavy, overweight).  I could hear his questions but I could never hear my answers and so I blamed myself. I actually felt guilty because his wife was a friend of mine but the question remained in my head. Why would he have even asked me such questions when I was so sick unless he knew something I didn't?  Over the next year or so the flashes of memories continued to grow becoming more and more real and larger than life. I began to remember certain things, things that really bothered me

One day I came across an article on the "Spanish Fly". I was young and naive and did not know what they were. Suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly I knew exactly what had happened that night and why just a few sips of a drink could render me so helpless. I couldn't remember everything, still pieces of that night are missing but I remembered enough to know it was certainly not consensual.  I remembered him being there so heavy on my small framed body and at this same time his brother came in the door. Instead of saying something to stop it he bent down leaned over the sofas side and began sticking his tongue down my throat. I uncontrollably kissed him back. I had never met his brother before and would never had done that but my memory of kissing him back was so strong, one of them on top the other kissing me at the same time. Every memory that night was so out of character for me. I had only ever been with one man (my husband). I heard voices, they were chuckling and muffled. I could not make out their words. I wanted to stop them but I felt powerless and there was an overwhelming willingness from the drug. I had no control over my own body and mind, no choice but to give in to whatever they wanted. I can remember my arms feeling heavy and I couldn't lift them. My head was spinning, I wanted to yell out but no words came. I had no power whatsoever to stop myself from giving in. I was rendered completely helpless and it was an awful thing to recall, the two of them there having there fill.. not remembering fully what they did to me, what they may have forced me to do..  

 

The worst part of that night for me though? not knowing where my baby girl was during these four hours.. She was only four months old. Was she safe, crying, wet, hungry? I guess I will never have the answers I need and so I sometimes drop into PTSD depression. The memories? Sometimes they fade away for awhile and I can almost forget it ever happened but other times like the past few months I cannot get the blinding flashes out of my head....and it feels like they are brand new memories, it feels like it happens over and over again. 

No, I never reported it because by the time I was certain what happened it would have been too late, I had no proof. Also in those days it was often the victim that was blamed.  I know they would have said I should not have been at his house alone. Mom would have said that too..  Then there was the shame and humiliation I would have faced and what about my friend?  How do you tell someone a year after the fact that their husband drugged and raped you?  This overwhelming pain and shame that I still bare..   Up until 2011 I never told anyone about the rape in my family, not even mom and I never penned a word of it . Suddenly in 2010 the words wouldn't stop flowing from my bleeding heart and soul and they continue to bleed ink.

 

 

 

When I began writing about all this in 2010 it was in hopes that  maybe releasing the pain after all these years through my writing might be a way to try and rid them from my mind again.. finally give me some peace.  It does work for a little while but then they start again, the flashbacks I mean.  They come back every now and again and I find myself trying so hard to fill in the blanks spaces that I still have and it makes me physically ill.

 

Last year in a bout of depression and uncontrollably crying I confessed everything to my mother.. I never got professional help.

My writing is therapeutic whether I post it or not however it will be well worth writing and posting if this helps even just one teen or women to recognize these things if this ever happens to her. Or helps one person suffering to call someone to talk to.

I ran into his wife years later at a baby shower and found out they were divorced and he was serving a long prison sentence for attempted murder. Perhaps I was one of the fortunate ones as awful as that sounds. I told my friend everything and she seemed not at all surprised......we made peace with each other that night but I have never spoken to her again.  Oddly enough I found myself looking at the prison release dates and his 25 years was up in 2011.  

 

 

If you or someone you know have been a victim of rape sexual abuse or want more information about date rape drugs and their effects on women go to woman's health.gov (link below) or... 

 

Search for a local rape crisis center/sexual assault help ...

 

or call the sexual assault crisis center hotline [phone]-HOPE (free)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                women's health hotline [phone]

6:00 am to 6:00 pm Monday through Friday

 

 

Related writing see also :    In the form of a Pill..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more shallimarRose Poetry titles visit my table of contents in my blog...

 

Bits of Me...Table of Contents by title...

 

 

 

Author's Note

I was second guessing this one here.. whether I should I leave it up, will it help me cope? Will it even it make any sense to you if you read? I sent rr out on this one in a moment of weakness. but now I am glad I did. the feedback here is uplifting and helping me in ways I could not see coming.

If you read this in it's entirety Thank you
Feel free to RR this to your friends if you want to..

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Your story is sad and true for many woman. Most cases are not reported. Which is sad. In the old world was worst. Thank you for sharing the story and you need to ensure your story reaches out to all woman. Woman must scream out when they are raped. Thank you for writing the story.
Coyote

[shallimarRose]

I think you and I are close in age. Yes in those days if we told the victim was blamed most of the time.. The was she dressed or the circumstance, perhaps the way she looked at him was the cause.. AS IF that gave the perpetrator a license to do the despicable. Thank you Coyote for reading and having the courage to comment here as well. Posting this was a difficult decision. Rose

[BlackRose]

Don't know what to say but WOW, sorry this happened to you. This will reach all women who read this and will help those victims. And great that more will hopefully speak out after reading this. And so sorry your mother couldn't be there as a mother should for support and all. Yep, letting out it is a good thing instead of keeping it bottle up. For me I hate when bad things happen to good people

[shallimarRose]

Thank you BR. You are a sweetheart.. xo

[BlackRose]

Your very welcome. I try to be. And be there when I can as support or whatever pertains. xo

[ron]

You are brave for writing and sharing this Rose. I cant imagine how hard something like this is to live with. Big hugs. i f you want someone to listen, my ear is always there for you.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Ron.. I had no one to talk to really so I just began to write it out and when I was done I felt purged somehow.. The burden was less and slowly as I have read through support and have been messaged by so many I feel the darkness lifting, at least for now. I try to keep my mind on other things. thanks again, Rose

[ron]

You are most welcome Rose.

[MsJewel]

I don't know if someone who had never experienced something like this knows how hard it is to talk about - or write about. I applaud your bravery. I hope letting this all out helps you and I hope it helps those that are afraid to talk about it - or those who trust someone they shouldn't trust. Recently my 21 year old daughter was drugged in a bar. Her boyfriend was with her and had stepped into the mens room - he was gone only a few minutes. I've asked her to read your story. Thank you for sharing this.
Hugs, Julie

[shallimarRose]

Julie thank you.. I wrote this as therapy but THIS is why I posted it.. Two of my nieces were also sexually assaulted after being drugged. We need to talk about this. We need to let our young ones know how this works.. How it feels like a sudden illness coming on..Dizziness, nausea. Its easy for someone to say come on ill take you home. Or come sit in the car for a few minutes till you feel better and then its too late. I grieve while I write but well worth posting if even it helps only one girl or woman. thank you Julie. xo

[MsJewel]

Thank you Rose. Thankfully my daughters boyfriend got to her before the pig that drugged her did - but she is one of the lucky ones. Like you - I was not so lucky. It is something you never ever forget - but perhaps it will get easier with time. I pray that is true. :) Julie

[shallimarRose]

well I hope you write about it also even if you just burn it afterwards.. huggs

[MsJewel]

I have written about it. Maybe one day I'll post it. Thank you Rose.

[redzone]

blaming the victim is still in vogue... as is rape, date rape and just the senseless brutality every single woman faces all over the world. most rape and brutality women face comes at the hands of those considered to be their closest friends and or lovers... ShallimarRose, I think it would be possible to fill up all the emptiness of the universe and still not exhaust the space needed to tell all the stories women could tell about the treatment at the hands of men... I often feel i was born as a subspecies of human beings, i know it is not really in our genes, but the product of the traditional views of women in every society... there is a way out of this.. stoppatriarchy.com may be something to check into.
we need revolution and a whole new society to put this pain and suffering to an end

it is often hard to except but it really IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS. I think it is very important that you shared this pain, both for your sanity as well as for all who read, and so other women see they are not alone and for men to stand shoulder to shoulder with women to stop this nightmare.... i leave you my deepest respects and a warm human ((((((SHALLIMARROSE)))))).... ---redzone

[shallimarRose]

tears started again as I read this Redzone. Thank you for your support. I try to see its not my fault but I digress. How could I not see it. How could I not tell his wife? who knows how many others before he was arrested for attempted murder. Thank you again for being here and showing you stand with us.. hugs, Rose

[redzone]

i understand these questions Rose, but they have nothing to do with what happened to you... they are more just the responses traditions old and ugly have beeninstilled in you. in all women... better questions to raise and answer are what kind of society do we live in where every 6 minutes a woman is brutalized? what kind of society where rape porn is the most common form of pornography? why have half of humanity been seen as second class people (if people at all) for thousands of years? and why do men think all this is their right??? and many more... these get at the heart of things much more than anything you ever did or any woman for that matter... the world does not have to be this way and we have a responsibility to end all this horror and pain and oppression... keep writing and telling your stories, you are needed and beautiful and can be part of changing this ugliness... --- redzone

[shallimarRose]

Thank you deeply.. xo

[Sue]

I'm sad you had to go through this and it is a harrowing poem in many ways but I hope writing it freed you of some of the pain...

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Sue for taking the time to read and for your support. xo

[Riding the Rainbow]

Thank you for posting this..You're a survivor and I'm deeply sorry that you were all alone all those years..
I wish you all the best.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you for reading and understanding. shallimarRose

[TurtleClark]

i read this during my 5th period us history class and started crying. i am so sorry that this happened to you

[shallimarRose]

History class??? Well make sure you listen to the lessons, education is very important.. Thank you for reading and commenting hun. I see you were touched by this. Always remember to be safe. Even when its someone you trust you cannot be one hundred percent sure. xo shallimarRose

[Nautili]

I am so sorry you went through this all alone...at least now you are getting the support you should have received back then from your mother. So sorry, you were a victim to be sure, but it seems that you are writing in order to let it go and heal and also to help others in the same horrifying ordeal-trying to cope with rape-it rapes your soul, too, and must be faced for what it was- out of your control. Now, however, you can move forward with a voice that can help others who are victims as well-too many to know....it hurts that our daughters live in a world where some men take what they want when they want. So disturbing.

[shallimarRose]

Yes that is well said.. "It also rapes the soul" that's how I feel I think, It was not just my body they took it was part of my heart and soul. You mention our daughters. YESSS! my daughter does mobile pet grooming. Its a new business for her. I hate that she drives to peoples homes. We live in a town where crime comes often and where sex offenders are often housed in communities near by. I feel this business makes her a target for robbery and she is a beautiful woman so I cringe to think of someone going after her in her secluded work van... grrrr... thanks for reading.. Rose

[Hatchling]

Your story is so sad. I can relate to this. You are an amazing person. Thank you for sharing your story. I went through the same thing with an ex-friend. He made me feel so defenseless. I am still trying to cope with that pain. I have anxiety attacks because of him. No woman should have to go through that.

[shallimarRose]

Rape is rape in any form. No means no in any language. But to come in as a friend and deceive you in such a horrible way is just unfathomable to me. Why a friend? Why a drug? This guy was stone sober and planned this I know. My husband and I had been friends with him and his wife for several years. Our 2 year olds played together. His wife and I were due just three months apart. We had dinner over each others home.. sang jam night together. Went to the races and ball games together. I still cannot wrap my mind around why he did this. Write out your story Shy (love that name).. My fourth grade teacher was my mentor. I was a bit of an introvert even as a small child because of my dad being an alcoholic. He gave me my first journal and tld me to write down my feelings. He said "you don't have to read them, when you are done you can tear them up and throw them away and you will have taken a dark feeling and tossed it away" .. Write out your story and unburden it a bit you don't have to post it.. Just write it all out. Let the tears flow and then throw it away. Burn it. burry it.. Anxiety attacks often go along with post traumatic stress disorder, I get them too Shy. thank you for pausing to read here.. hugs, Rose

[Hatchling]

I am going to tell my story.

[shallimarRose]

YES!!!! I think you will find it so helpful.. when I got finished with this and through all the tears I felt a great weight lifted from my chest. The fact that so many are reading and supporting me here makes it that much better. shallimar

[Frieda P]

I've avoided reading this one, being on a survivor site I hear/read these horrific stories almost every day, it's much more prevalent than people could ever imagine, sorry you have the need to write something of this sort shallimar, my heart goes out to you...can't say more. x

[shallimarRose]

Don't be sorry that I felt the need to write it because just like the pain you suffer and write about this felt so good to purge and just open up. I was not sure if I should post it but as many have said here perhaps someone will see this and find help Theirself. I believe so many here have this in common. Someone here when I first started posting months back gave me a survivor site but I couldn't log on to it for some reason. Was that you Frieda? I HATE the word survivor because to me it implies we have made it through ok. Some never get rid of the pain and demons so do we really survive it? .. at least that's the way I feel. Yes I'm alive but I battle with this pain daily. For me I think a great deal is that I cannot find the help and comfort within my family. As mom nears her end I need her to know about it and tell me it was never my fault. Am I craving acceptance from her? maybe validation that I was an innocent child, a naïve young mother taken advantage of? I know I will never have that closure now. Thank you for reading.. I would like to have the link to that site again.. xo Rose

[Frieda P]

Yes I believe so, I'm not so crazy about it either, but they don't like you to think of yourself as a 'victim' since we did survive, (barely, in my mind) I have mixed feelings on that one also....the site is Pandys.org, very helpful...and please don't start me on family! xo