Raped by a friend..A Night of betrayal, a lifetime of Pain

True story.. Writing through the pain. Thank you for taking the time.. sR

 Flash backs began again in March of 2010 for some reason after so many years of silence.  There are still a lot of puzzle pieces I cannot entirely fit together.. a lot of dots that still do not connect.   Sometimes my memories of that night come to the forefront of my mind and they are hard to face.   I know from experience that the only way for me is to face them and to just let them out.  This is something that keeps me down and I really need to let go of this week before the depression gets any worse.  The sound of my own silence is sometimes deafening and the heart feels hollow.

I originally wrote and posted parts of this back on MySpace back in 2010 when the flashbacks and darkness began.  It was very difficult for me to write about it then and still it is not easy for me because memories and tears always fill my eyes along with my pages even now after all these years.     I had seldom spoken of this but I hoped telling this story would help me release some of these feelings that lay heavy on my mind and heart and it did for awhile but it always comes back to haunt me..   I also posted hoping maybe it might help others to understand how these date rape drugs work so if it ever happens to them they can recognize it sooner than I did.  Sometimes I feel I just need to write it down because it feels like it kind of gets it out of my head for awhile, but just for awhile.

This happened in 1971 but the memories and the realization and magnitude of what happened did not begin to reveal itself to me until almost a year later.  They came in dark fragments, in bits and pieces.  That's the way the "Spanish Fly" or now the "date rape drug" often works......

blank memories

that night devour my consciousness
it was the little something slipped into my drink
I blamed myself for the emptiness

my lack of recollection defied reasoning
four hours deleted from my memory card

when only darkness filled my head

one by one they began to surface

 flashbacks of that night

coming in the night

flashes of unbearable disturbance
 when I could feel him there once again
350 pounds of him on my 95 pound frame

........sometimes
I still hear the sound of his voice

smell the over powering stench

his cologne mixed with sweat

maybe mixed with the scent of sex

I hear the muffled laughter

.......I still cringe
he was not alone in his hunger
the two of them, brothers
taking from me what was not theirs to take

robbing me of my dignity

my self-worth suffering still to this day

I feel the burn of the scarlet letter

they branded my self image forever

I can almost see his face even now

my so called friend
I shutter at memories
and I wish they were still blank

sometimes I crave the nothingness

wishing again my mind to just go

blank...

 

bj smith

aka shallimarRose

He watched me as I cared for my own recently born baby girl. 

I could feel him staring at my engorged breasts but I could not fathom what was going through his sick mind.   He stopped by my house after work to tell me my friend (his wife) had finally given birth to their new son by C-section and was in the hospital.  He asked me  if I would come help him clean and disinfect the house getting it ready for the return of his wife and their new baby coming home from the hospital in just a few days. They were friends of ours and so I readily said yes. How could I even imagine what he had planned.

 

I took my newborn baby with me as I was still breast feeding her.  I entered their home and put the infant seat with my four month old daughter on the kitchen table and went about scrubbing down the nursery.  I barely finished the baby's room and began the bathroom.  I went back downstairs to check on my daughter who had been sleeping.  It was a sweltering day In day nearing the end of September.   He came over and asked if I wanted something cold to drink. I had been working hard and was thirsty so I said yes.  I expected water or maybe a coke but he brought me a  bottle of right time which was kind of a flavored beer.   Just one drink that I never even finished.  Soon after the first few sips I began feeling dizzy and sick to my stomach. The room was spinning and my legs felt like collapsing.

He told me to go lay on the couch because I was so disoriented.   I staggered to the sofa. I distinctly remember keeping my feet flat on the floor. Mom use to always tell us girls "keep your feet flat on the floor and you will be alright".   I sat in the corner of the sofa and laid my head on the corner armrest cushion. That was the last thing I remembered.

About four hours later I was awoken by yelling when my then estranged husband showed up screaming at me. I felt so ill and I could tell I had vomited.  He was furious at me for having the baby there so late. He didn't even suspect a thing, how could he? Even I did not know or suspect at that point what had happened. I was too sick and four hours of my life were just gone.. missing.

I did not remember what transpired that night and I wish it had remained that way. Not eating and being on tranquilizers due to the messy divorce I was going through I thought maybe the mix of the tranqs and the one drink? Well maybe that was why I was drawing a blank.  Where did those four hours go?  Why was the cleaning never finished? What happened there that night? I could feel the uncomfortable feeling the next morning. Had sex occurred? He called me on the phone and told me that I had gotten so drunk and it was consensual sex.  It made no sense.. I didnt even finish one drink how could I be that intoxicated?  He told me I told him I wanted him.. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't stand the fat slob but somehow he managed to put doubts in my head because of my medications... He was married to my friend and so I never said a word. I didn't want to hurt her and I still was trying to sort things out. Figure out what happened.  Days and weeks and months past but still I could not fill in the blank pages of that evening.  None of the puzzle pieces fit. About eight months to a year later they began... little flashes of light, of memories, flashbacks.

The flashbacks came...I began to remember bits and pieces.

I remembered him asking me what I would do if he came over to me on the sofa and kissed me. Asking me if I had ever been with a large man before(large I think meaning heavy, overweight).  I could hear his questions but I could never hear my answers and so I blamed myself. I actually felt guilty because his wife was a friend of mine but the question remained in my head. Why would he have even asked me such questions when I was so sick unless he knew something I didn't?  Over the next year or so the flashes of memories continued to grow becoming more and more real and larger than life. I began to remember certain things, things that really bothered me

One day I came across an article on the "Spanish Fly". I was young and naive and did not know what they were. Suddenly it all made sense. Suddenly I knew exactly what had happened that night and why just a few sips of a drink could render me so helpless. I couldn't remember everything, still pieces of that night are missing but I remembered enough to know it was certainly not consensual.  I remembered him being there so heavy on my small framed body and at this same time his brother came in the door. Instead of saying something to stop it he bent down leaned over the sofas side and began sticking his tongue down my throat. I uncontrollably kissed him back. I had never met his brother before and would never had done that but my memory of kissing him back was so strong, one of them on top the other kissing me at the same time. Every memory that night was so out of character for me. I had only ever been with one man (my husband). I heard voices, they were chuckling and muffled. I could not make out their words. I wanted to stop them but I felt powerless and there was an overwhelming willingness from the drug. I had no control over my own body and mind, no choice but to give in to whatever they wanted. I can remember my arms feeling heavy and I couldn't lift them. My head was spinning, I wanted to yell out but no words came. I had no power whatsoever to stop myself from giving in. I was rendered completely helpless and it was an awful thing to recall, the two of them there having there fill.. not remembering fully what they did to me, what they may have forced me to do..  

 

The worst part of that night for me though? not knowing where my baby girl was during these four hours.. She was only four months old. Was she safe, crying, wet, hungry? I guess I will never have the answers I need and so I sometimes drop into PTSD depression. The memories? Sometimes they fade away for awhile and I can almost forget it ever happened but other times like the past few months I cannot get the blinding flashes out of my head....and it feels like they are brand new memories, it feels like it happens over and over again. 

No, I never reported it because by the time I was certain what happened it would have been too late, I had no proof. Also in those days it was often the victim that was blamed.  I know they would have said I should not have been at his house alone. Mom would have said that too..  Then there was the shame and humiliation I would have faced and what about my friend?  How do you tell someone a year after the fact that their husband drugged and raped you?  This overwhelming pain and shame that I still bare..   Up until 2011 I never told anyone about the rape in my family, not even mom and I never penned a word of it . Suddenly in 2010 the words wouldn't stop flowing from my bleeding heart and soul and they continue to bleed ink.

 

 

 

When I began writing about all this in 2010 it was in hopes that  maybe releasing the pain after all these years through my writing might be a way to try and rid them from my mind again.. finally give me some peace.  It does work for a little while but then they start again, the flashbacks I mean.  They come back every now and again and I find myself trying so hard to fill in the blanks spaces that I still have and it makes me physically ill.

 

Last year in a bout of depression and uncontrollably crying I confessed everything to my mother.. I never got professional help.

My writing is therapeutic whether I post it or not however it will be well worth writing and posting if this helps even just one teen or women to recognize these things if this ever happens to her. Or helps one person suffering to call someone to talk to.

I ran into his wife years later at a baby shower and found out they were divorced and he was serving a long prison sentence for attempted murder. Perhaps I was one of the fortunate ones as awful as that sounds. I told my friend everything and she seemed not at all surprised......we made peace with each other that night but I have never spoken to her again.  Oddly enough I found myself looking at the prison release dates and his 25 years was up in 2011.  

 

 

If you or someone you know have been a victim of rape sexual abuse or want more information about date rape drugs and their effects on women go to woman's health.gov (link below) or... 

 

Search for a local rape crisis center/sexual assault help ...

 

or call the sexual assault crisis center hotline [phone]-HOPE (free)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                women's health hotline [phone]

6:00 am to 6:00 pm Monday through Friday

 

 

Related writing see also :    In the form of a Pill..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more shallimarRose Poetry titles visit my table of contents in my blog...

 

Bits of Me...Table of Contents by title...

 

 

 

Author's Note

I was second guessing this one here.. whether I should I leave it up, will it help me cope? Will it even it make any sense to you if you read? I sent rr out on this one in a moment of weakness. but now I am glad I did. the feedback here is uplifting and helping me in ways I could not see coming.

If you read this in it's entirety Thank you
Feel free to RR this to your friends if you want to..

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Your story is sad and true for many woman. Most cases are not reported. Which is sad. In the old world was worst. Thank you for sharing the story and you need to ensure your story reaches out to all woman. Woman must scream out when they are raped. Thank you for writing the story.
Coyote

[shallimarRose]

I think you and I are close in age. Yes in those days if we told the victim was blamed most of the time.. The was she dressed or the circumstance, perhaps the way she looked at him was the cause.. AS IF that gave the perpetrator a license to do the despicable. Thank you Coyote for reading and having the courage to comment here as well. Posting this was a difficult decision. Rose

[Cassie]

This is sad Shallimar, try Jesus he will take away that depression

[Brianna Brie]

Even though I am a survivor of rape, still I am at loss for words. Eventually, the horrid truth will come out when we try to conceal rape. After twenty-five years of silence, my hush-hush story surfaced. Denial was the survival tool I used on myself. The horrible experience was just another disappointment in a long enough list of abuse that distorted my view of men. Forgiveness will pave the road to healing. We do it not for them, but so that we may live free and at peace. The poem portion especially impressed me. To share is vulnerability nevertheless marked with admirable courage.

[shallimarRose]

Interesting that you find sharing as a vulnerability.. I find it a strength... Yes Bri, Self blame , Self loathing and Denial...Oh I knew it happened but never let myself tell anyone.. My dirty little secret for almost forty years... The flashbacks would not let me hide it any longer.. I found a way to help others with my story... I am seeking outside help now to help me get over the feeling that I the victim was in someway to blame.. I am glad you learned to forgive and live with the burden of truth... huggs, Rose

[Brianna Brie]

Oh, I feel naked, bare and vulnerable when sharing such deep secrets. There has been many times that I wanted to take down my poem about rape, but resisted.

[Anand Sehgal]

I am heartbroken and I have only silent sympathy and admiration for the strength you have shown !

[shallimarRose]

Thank you.... much appreciate your taking time to read and reflect here.. xo Rose

[Vidya Bacchus]

This is such a sad story that makes me feel sad and mad at the same time.There are people who should'nt be called people but animals.Like wolves in sheep clothing you never know what is going on in their devious minds.I am so sorry for your pain,but be brave and keep going never let him win:)

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Vidya.. Yes I am still stuggling but I will not give up on sanity... He cant win.. shallimarRose

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome:)

[Rose of many colours]

I was raped when I was 4-5 years old in 1970, after that I was a victim of incest,domestic violence..and the list goes on.I hit rock bottom.But God in his infinite wisdom stretch forth his hand and draw me out. I am 47 now and these are the best years of my life. I am a reject of men but I am elect of God..I am hated by my mother,but am loved by God..I pray that Gods grace will remove every stench or evil that the rape has brought to your life.. God bless you and thanks for sharing.. you are not alone

[shallimarRose]

Rose thank you for your honesty here... I am sorry for your pain as well but happy the lord has made you feel whole again.. I am thinking your mother hates you because you told her what happened and she refuses to believe.. Bless you dear.. shallimarRose

[Rose of many colours]

Thank you Friend, but you know what? We are a special people and we have a special world. bless...

[John Alexander McFadyen]

There is nothing one can say about this as it is too awful to contemplate. I have a friend who was groomed and systematically abused up to age 14 by someone she and her family trusted. Her way of dealing with it is unique; she determined that his heinous acts would not destroy her life and she would not let his past actions tie her present with repeated pain from that past abuse. Otherwise he has control forever. This is profoundly sad and even sadder it has affected all of your life Rose.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you John yes I have that same situation as well I was molested until the age of fourteen also.. The rape came as I was about to turn twenty ... Hard to move forward because the flashbacks make it seem fresh.. Like it happens over and over again and you cannot control memories or dreams/flashbacks.. Thank you for reading.. If this helps one person it will be worth my putting my pain out there .. xoxo Rose

[Me]

This touched a very raw nerve for me...I was raped 20 years ago and it still effects me today, so sorry this happened to u xx

[shallimarRose]

Raven private message me if you would like to talk or tell me your story.. hugs.... Rose

[Tom]

I just clicked onto this after reading one of your other poems and although your experience was absolutely shocking to read and what you went and still go through, I would like to say I have nothing but admiration for the courage and integrity you have shown to everyone by posting this nightmare up on the site!
You are a beautiful women in every way and please, please try and never ever ever feel guilt or any kind of lack of self respect towards yourself because of what that scumbag brute and his slimy brother did to you!

Although you cannot turn back time, the incredible bravery you've displayed by sharing this very personal, humiliating atrocity, will give hope to others as sadly it still goes on but in my eyes and I'm pretty sure all right thinking people, you are a true hero who has risen above this and an inspiration to us all, looking forward to reading more of your many brilliant poems Shallimar and thanks again for being You !!

[shallimarRose]

Thank you very much Tom for the reading and the show of support. The more that read the more messages I get telling me they have been through something similar and have not spoke out.. The more I feel this is helping others the more worthwhile I begin to feel because for years I lived as a shadow of myself being ashamed.. No one should have to live like that.. shallimar

[Tom]

Now you're whistling Shallimar !

[s y e]

Wow Rose -- this is incredibly heart breaking and brought me to tears, I have been away from the cafe for a while and this is the first piece I've read since returning. I am absolutely in shock at all this as I would never have guessed anything this terrible happened to you.

This is very brave of you to post something this personal here on the cafe for everyone to read. I am sorry to hear he got out 2 years ago, that must have been terrifying for you. I think every rape should be reported.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you sye.. Absolutely they should be reported. It's difficult when you cant remember. That's why I WANT women to read this and no the signs.. If they do it once they will do it again. If they hurt you they will hurt others. If you wake up after a party and you feel different or you think you may have been drugged talk to someone. See a doctor .. Shame and self blame stops us from seeking help sometimes. I am an example. Of course in those days they blamed the victim rather then the attacker in many cases. Thank you for reading and your nice comments. xo Rose

[Renée]

ShallimarRose,
You did ..what ANY of us women would do for a friend and her husband.. You did nothing wrong and your caring nature and gift of giving was betrayed in the worst way.. You did great luv in sharing this horrendous event in your life..and by sharing you never know what life you will touch in a positive way.. I really like that you added links for others in need ..

[shallimarRose]

Thank you very much for reading and your words help heal. Yes I have all ready had some message me that have been through something similar. I am glad I posted it. shallimar

[Renée]

I am not sure they help heal..but perhaps an assisted lift to another rung on the ladder of life..
God Bless Luv

[shallimarRose]

well said. Yes I think that's it. Help getting to the next level.