Still......

True story...

I see you every now and then

still...

in frosted breath

on a cold winters day

or in a snow globe

quietly alone

in a store window display

I've seen you

on the windshield streaked by rain

I'v heard your laughter in the thunder

I saw you on the morning train

It's been years since that night,

a lifetime since I've seen your face

but late at night when dark has fallen

I see you peering through the curtain lace

It terrifies,

I hate recalling

It was me,

the broken one

and yet I felt disgrace

I have no real recollection of time

stolen by the drug you gave

just memories of your face

and how I felt so betrayed

make-up streaks blacken mine

in tear-stains that I still can taste

suddenly flashbacks descend

I fear this dark dark place

I've seen you on the silver screen

in theaters I've attended

you reappear every now and then

memories of that night

in time suspended

I've felt you in the dead of night

when screams could not awaken

saw you in the fires flame

I feel you there and my body is shaken

shattered hopes

and broken dreams

memories embedded in my mind it seems

and through the threshold of blank expressions

and intermediate depressions

my heart still bleeds in lost concessions

of mistreated friends

and raped realities

left alone to rot in abnormalities

where cushions could not soften the blows

friendships disintegrated

and the ash blew away years ago

and still

I see your face.....

©bj smith

aka shallimarRose.

......Raped by a friend....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more shallimarRose Poetry titles visit my table of contents in my blog...

 

Bits of Me...Table of Contents by title...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

be kind... ty

Reviews

[Keith]

You have helped us to understand the horror of what happened and the resulting pain that won't go away. Reading the RRs it seems to have helped many others, small consolation I know. Only you could write such a piece, very brave indeed it must have been so hard.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Keith... I actually didnt speak of it for many many years .. When I did finally let it out the words came easily flowing but with pain and tears yes. I appreciate all who read and I am happy if it helps even just one other woman/person... huggs

[AmandaN]

This is written so bravely. Beautifully written. I was pulled straight in there,amazing imagery.
Thank you for the honour of being able to read it

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Amanda... for taking the time to read and comment. shallimarRose

[Mariya]

Now this is pain beautifully worded. You are someone to look up to. Beautiful....

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Veleda, that is quite a compliment. I appreciate your reading. shallimarRose

[Sue]

This is very powerful - and I agree very brave of you to write about the subject x

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Sue... I'm a work in progress these days.. xo

[MsJewel]

The pain that you have endured is horrible to imagine. I could feel the emotion as I read your words. I hope it helps to write about it. Julie

[shallimarRose]

It does indeed help. Thank you Jewel.. shallimarRose

[Traci]

It takes a lot strength and courage to not only share something like this, but to live through it. Memories remind us how fragile we are. We long to remember more, yet we long to forget. Many suffer in silence, may you heal by sharing this nightmare's powerful message with others. Stay strong my friend, and may you find peace and comfort through your very own words.

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Traci for your words of wisdom.. I am trying now to become whole. xo

[Korrin Perry]

Personally relatable.
It really struck me how accurate your description of it was--exactly like mine
keep up the writing!

[shallimarRose]

Karrin when I had this story posted up on myspace in 2010/11 I was shocked how many women private messaged me that had also been suffering in silence. They have no right to take what is not theirs.. This was not even a date rape.. He was married to my friend. she was in the hospital.. He was not alone in the rape.. Yes I write a lot of darkness.. But I usually post only the light. Bless you hun.. I hope you have found peace. I am still searching.. xo shallimarRose

[ba_mcfarlane]

As a man, I have limited ability to understand the viciousness of rape, it's effect on a woman. That is bad on me.
We need more support and therapy for victims. We need more severe consequences and jail time for rapists. This is the penultimate act of violence, This is also the damn 21st century, we nee this stopped, now!
Rapists are way serious criminals. They nee to be shunned, demonized, locked up for as long as it takes. And no more "he said she said' b s, and no more requiring the humiliation of a victim by making public her identity

[shallimarRose]

Thank you Brian I so agree.. When this happened I was afraid to tell anyone..It was a good 7 or 8 months before I knew for sure what had happened.. He told me i was drunk and it was consentual.. but i had only 1/2 beer so why would i pass out.. Also In those days the victim was
often the one to blame.. why was she there why was she dressed like that etc. I was a new mom and every ounce a lady.... but i was scared. Its a long story that im not afraid to tell... I had it up on Myspace but lost everything there..Anyway he wound up serving 25 to life for attempted murder in an unrelated incidence.. He was released with partial time spent in 2010 from what I could find out... If I had proof.. If I had known, If i was not a scared young mother of two I would have went after him with all I had...
thank you for reading. xoxo

[ba_mcfarlane]

I also like the idea of chemical castration. If violence and not love and attraction drive your libido, society is infinitley safer if we take your libido away.

[ron]

This is sad Rose. I dont know how it feels to have that horrible thing done to some one. I think you are brave not to hide from this. My heart goes out to you big huggs.

[shallimarRose]

ty Ron.. not looking for pitty but somehow writing letters to my rapist (s) seems to lift the burdon. huggs..

[ron]

I understand Rose. Maybe thats the same reason I wirte some of the things I do to. I dont know. huggs..

[shallimarRose]

Well my fourth grade teacher when he gave me my first journal told me to llet it all out on paper and I have been doing that ever since. For some reason this i could not write.. This i told noone about never spoke or wrote of it till 2010.. Strange.. Thanks Ron.. xo

[ron]

This happened before you were in fourth grade? I know how it is to try and write something bad in your life. I have some things I want to write but its like they are stuck just out of reach for words to explain.

[shallimarRose]

NOOOOOOO.... this happened when i was twenty.. But i was writing since i was a small child..

[ron]

Ok. I missunderstood.

[shallimarRose]

no problem

[Jack...]

Sad my friend. Some memories appear out of nowhere just to remind us how fragile we really are. Your poem was very well written and hit hard with it's message of a past nightmare that just won't go away.

[shallimarRose]

ty for reading.. xo