You seem to have indicated this was a work-in-progress...so here I go again (I'm smiling as I write this, btw)...the tone is wonderful, the images clear and resonant. The meter, however, jumps around a little.
Based on what I'm hearing when I read this aloud, can I infer you're striving for a count of 7 beats in the first line of each stanza, 6 in the second, 8 in the third and, finally, 6 in the fourth? The stanzas that hold to that, sound fine to my ear...the second, fifth and last stanzas for example.
I can provide suggestions if you'd like...email might be a better venue for that. I'll leave that up to you. For a WIP, this is pretty good anyway...bobc
uneven tempo was intended... 6 7 8 syllable count bounce around throughout this one Feel free to mes.. read moreuneven tempo was intended... 6 7 8 syllable count bounce around throughout this one Feel free to message me. Not really a work in progress.. It was written like 29 years ago and has remained unedited.. Thank you for reading.. xo
11 Years Ago
Message sent. Everyone feels differently, I guess. I treat all all of my poems as works-in-progress... read moreMessage sent. Everyone feels differently, I guess. I treat all all of my poems as works-in-progress. ...bobc
11 Years Ago
ty.. i know most do that.. i rarely edit.. This year is the first time i am revisiting to edit for a.. read morety.. i know most do that.. i rarely edit.. This year is the first time i am revisiting to edit for a book...
usually i sit down write , shelf and thats it.. Rhyme is very natural to me..
Editing this?
Hey just watch what ya doing then, this one of my favourites. It floats thru my brain every time it rains her. If I could write like this I would consider my poetic life fulfilled. But want to edit it?
No sweetie this one is one of my master pieces. I will not change it.. Thank you for your kind words.. read moreNo sweetie this one is one of my master pieces. I will not change it.. Thank you for your kind words . Rose
You seem to have indicated this was a work-in-progress...so here I go again (I'm smiling as I write this, btw)...the tone is wonderful, the images clear and resonant. The meter, however, jumps around a little.
Based on what I'm hearing when I read this aloud, can I infer you're striving for a count of 7 beats in the first line of each stanza, 6 in the second, 8 in the third and, finally, 6 in the fourth? The stanzas that hold to that, sound fine to my ear...the second, fifth and last stanzas for example.
I can provide suggestions if you'd like...email might be a better venue for that. I'll leave that up to you. For a WIP, this is pretty good anyway...bobc
uneven tempo was intended... 6 7 8 syllable count bounce around throughout this one Feel free to mes.. read moreuneven tempo was intended... 6 7 8 syllable count bounce around throughout this one Feel free to message me. Not really a work in progress.. It was written like 29 years ago and has remained unedited.. Thank you for reading.. xo
11 Years Ago
Message sent. Everyone feels differently, I guess. I treat all all of my poems as works-in-progress... read moreMessage sent. Everyone feels differently, I guess. I treat all all of my poems as works-in-progress. ...bobc
11 Years Ago
ty.. i know most do that.. i rarely edit.. This year is the first time i am revisiting to edit for a.. read morety.. i know most do that.. i rarely edit.. This year is the first time i am revisiting to edit for a book...
usually i sit down write , shelf and thats it.. Rhyme is very natural to me..
how I love rain after reading this, you have brought out the imagery quite well, the smell of dust after rain..this is good my friend SHALLIMAR.. I wish there was a pic of rain falling,it would have completed the whole picture either way it is good really good. now shelved in my library
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
well just the small picture in the opening. Some actually do not like pictures or music in the poet.. read morewell just the small picture in the opening. Some actually do not like pictures or music in the poetry. There are some contests here that disqualify you if you use them. Thank you Cassie.. xo
Really sweet with a beautiful rhythm and flow. Such variety in your wonderful poetry
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thank you Keith.. I write about anything and everything as you will find out as we continue our frie.. read moreThank you Keith.. I write about anything and everything as you will find out as we continue our friendship here.. huggs...
11 Years Ago
On behalf of the Aussie chapter of your fan club, I would like to say that we are really looking for.. read moreOn behalf of the Aussie chapter of your fan club, I would like to say that we are really looking forward more of whatever might be coming our way. Midnight here as I lay listening to raindrops tapping on my window pane.
I have a fan club Keith? Are you the only member? lol
Where I live in the desert we are getti.. read moreI have a fan club Keith? Are you the only member? lol
Where I live in the desert we are getting little to kno rain the past few years.. I miss it desperately..
11 Years Ago
Just me for now, but its gathering momentum. I see David L P actually paid you a rare visit, so .. read moreJust me for now, but its gathering momentum. I see David L P actually paid you a rare visit, so I might try and sign him up if we ever meet. While we are a small group (does size matter?), we are very active.
Keith (Secretary)
11 Years Ago
David is a friend of mine... I love his knack for making rhyme...
hey thats a poem? lol.. read moreDavid is a friend of mine... I love his knack for making rhyme...
What a pour of rain.. I loved it with full of feelings and in-depth narration here Rose.
Great work done :)
Enjoyed it and really well work and properly executed :)
- Singh :)
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thank you Vik.. So glad you enjoyed the rhyme and tempo of this piece.. xo
The gentle cadence is amazing, like gentle rain itself. This is a lovely piece. Like all great poetry, it soon had me back remembering quiet times reading, to the soothing rhythm of the rain outside my window.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thank you Brian. I love the rain. We dont get much of it here in the desert though.. xo
I am a singer, writer, poet, dreamer, believer.....
I am an unconventional poet who has been writing rhyme since the age of five. I enjoy all styles of poetry. I write by ear not syllable count .. more..