Past N Present

People tends to change, with them the feelings changes too. But is it true? Read..and decide it yourself..!!

Sitting alone in the lap of darkness.....

I dug into the entrails of my lost modesty...

The nails of truth were itching me ahead..

I saw my charm...., being crucified behind.

 

what was I lacking in me to survive.....

                  to survive through the reality, to bear the pain...

Even my shadow left me.....when I entered darkness..

                  didn't hurt me much...as it walked behind me....

Missing the shadow...I looked deep within...

                 my soul was missing too.....how am I living?

where are the days when my talks were gold....

                 standing on this day...even my feelings are on hold...

where are the days when silence spoke more than words...

                 now is the day..... when words causes silence.....

was it a dream....when heart beated as fast as it could...

                 or is this a dream..... to relive that dream again...

 

 

what was I....?  How was I....?

  what am I...? How am I...?

I ask myself....now and then...

                I don't get an answer....how and when....

when did I get changed....?   how did I get changed....?

                If not I ...... why the feelings have changed...?

If not the feelings... why the surroundings have changed...?

               If not anything.... why my life has changed...?

yes my life has changed....and has changed indeed...

               the change did change me...or I did the change..

don't know why...but it seems strange...

 

I have it in me.... I know I do..

The qualities which were liked....once by YOU,

I know it still lingers around within me...

But somehow....... somehow has lost its way out...!!

 

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear @encryptedshahbaz

Thank you for your recent review and mail.

First of all, I see you are new to the site so welcome to Writers Café.

I was on another site until it sadly closed and in trying to find another, I happened on this and have found it to be the best of the bunch for setting up my writing stall.

I wish you a long and happy time on this site. You have immediately got the right idea, review to be reviewed.

To help you out here in a constructive fashion, I shall do a relatively detailed review.

1) Structure, rhyme and rhythm: Four stanzas, the first and last of four lines, the second of twelve and the third of eleven.

Your structure is therefore not fixed. This gives it the feel of freestyle poetry.

You move your words round the page. This gives it that 'concrete' feel where the fluctuating emotions of the words are reflected in the shape of the poem.

As for rhyme, you often do, but there is no fixed pattern.

And as for rhythm: Read aloud there is a mellow beat of the drum.

Standing back from the nuts and bolts of the poem, this fits easily and well into what I would term freestyle concrete verse.

2) Punctuation: I have noticed in this and scanning other of your pieces, you have a habit of ending lines or even in lines of breaking up the text with dots '...'

Personally I would prefer you replaced these with the more natural and grammatical commas, full stops, colons, semicolons etc. I think it makes your writing feel a bit 'samey' throughout. And there seems to be no particular reason for you to need to use dots.

My personally opinion? Fully punctuate as you otherwise do and drop the dots in favour of more normal punctuation.

3) Use of English: You keep it fairly simple, which suits the raw emotion of the poem.

4) Metaphor / allusion: You use it effectively, especially in the first stanza:

Sitting alone in the lap of darkness.....
I dug into the entrails of my lost modesty...
The nails of truth were itching me ahead..
I saw my charm...., being crucified behind.

a. 'Lap of darkness'
b. 'Entrails of my lost modesty
c. 'Being crucified behind.

You thereby add elegance and sophistication to your poem.

5) Meaning: You make this fairly transparent in the title and words but also lend a helping hand with your opening quote 'People tends to change, with them the feelings changes too. But is it true? Read..and decide it yourself..'

The meaning is for the writer to own and the reader to interpret in their own way.

My take?

The poem is not just about past and present, but it is also about love lost and seeking to identify who we were then and who we are now. Why do things change especially in how we feel?

In the end, it questions the meaning of our existence.

6) Impact and favourite lines: The poem had an emotional impact on me in its meaning and I think it would to any reader as it has universal relevance.

What makes it even more impactful is the way you express it.

Here are some of my favourite lines, which convey your message well. I have excluded the first stanza as I have already referred to it above and I already consider it effectively expressed. I shall pick just three others:

First:

'where are the days when my talks were gold....
standing on this day...even my feelings are on hold...'

In one rhyming couplet you set out the colour and happiness of the past with a beleaguered present.

Second:

'what was I....? How was I....?
what am I...? How am I...?'

Again your central theme expressed in the doubt of self-awareness. Here I find universal appeal again. You dig into the age old philosophy of identity.

Third and last:

'I have it in me.... I know I do..
The qualities which were liked....once by YOU,'

Another rhyming couplet at the end, which gives a little surprise in that the poem is actually about love. For the first time you move from I to YOU.

7) A well written piece of concrete free verse packed full of universal meaning and impact value. My only concern is that of punctuation, which I shall leave for you to consider.

I hope you find this review of some help to you. It is the reviewer's job to seek to help the writer and not hinder.

With my warmest regards


James Hanna-Magill

[@encryptedshahbaz]

Thanks a ton James. You went through my piece so carefully and pointed out so many things in which I would definitely work upon.
As you said I should try to avoid the excessive usage of dots('.....') in place of correct punctuation, I would keep that in mind. But just to explain why I do give these dots is because I want the reader to read it accordingly. My writings are not free flowing, as for example:
What was I...How Was I..
What am I...How am I..
I want the reader to take a deep breath after each line and then move on to the next so that he could get the exact feel as I do while I write.

[James Hanna-Magill]

Thank you for that. I see better what you mean, James

[James Hanna-Magill]

I still think a comma would serve as a breathing space better. But in the end, it really is a matter of personal taste. Jump one way or the other. Admirable poem in any case, James

[@encryptedshahbaz]

Thanks James. I would still remember your inputs.