Self Loathing

Heart heavy, a pit in my stomach. 

Mind foggy, hard to think at all. 

Can't go one day without f*****g up. 

Even when I'm paying attention. 

Body aches all over, just want to sleep. 

But restless slumber, nightmares. 

Weary, broken, no ambition.

Struggling to just get out of bed. 

Alcohol is a solution, and an answer. 

Calms the mind, softens the heart.

Relaxes the body, eases the pain. 

A hope for more than 2 hours sleep.

Incapable, is the persistent feeling. 

I want too much, have too little. 

Overwhelmed by nothing. 

Underwhelmed by everything.

Loneliness endures, I need love. 

Yet, completely frightened of it.

Not worthy of such greatness. 

Undeserving of being complete. 

A woman with beauty of spirit. 

Cannot possibly want what's inside. 

This hulking monster of pain. 

Useless body and mind, poisoned soul. 

Tormented I live.

If you can call it that.

My heart, vomiting words.

An effort to cleanse myself.

Wanting my enemies dead at my feet.

But I'm the only enemy that matters. 

Self loathing consumes from within. 

Why do I bother living at all?