Shadows of the Beast

A fictional depiction of my depression.

Pink petals, falling from perfect blossoms, to the blood soaked soil of the battlefield. I look around at all the bodies strewn through the cherry blossom orchard. Bodies that lay where they fell. Faces, some with scrunched up faces from pain they no longer feel or with their mouths wide from the horror of realizing that they would not see the sunrise. Then there were those that looked to be in deep, blissful sleep that others dream of having. I envied them, wishing that I no longer felt the constant pain of being alive, or the horror what I witness every day, or to finally taste the dreamful sleep that those around me are finally able to indulge in. Oh, how I envy them.

Painfully I stand up, grimacing from the pain I feel. Not from the battle, or the wounds that I sustained during the fight, but from the unfortunate condition that has afflicted since I was young boy. The very air is poisonous to me. No matter how many layers of clothes that I wear or ointments that I apply to my skin, nothing helps. Except a small formula that the scientists have designed for me. It provides a temporary relief, sometimes for a days even weeks or for only a few short hours. Lately however, it has only been providing only a few minutes of relief, if I'm lucky. I take a small syringe out of my pack and pop off the cap. I hold it directly in front of my chest, readying myself, and plunging it deep into my chest, piercing my heart. I grimace in pain from having stab myself and then relief as the formula starts to inject into my bloodstream. I rub my chest as I wait to see if the relief will last.

After a few minutes, I feel a sense of calm as I am still able to breathe without any pain. I pick up my sword and sheathe it. I then hear a blood curdling scream, echoing ahead of me. I peer through foggy battlefield, hoping to get glimpse of the enemy that we have been hunting. I know why it is screaming. It doesn't know where I am and that tends to piss it off. The unforunate side effect of this formula is that my enemy and I are not able to sense each other. Which is fine by me, I need to rest a bit before I continue the pursuit.

I walk to the nearest tree and set my pack to the side and sit down under its protective blossoms. I know what I need to do. Since this enemy is a part of me, I will need to abstain from the formula that gives me my relief. It will hurt but its the only way to defeat this thing that tormented me since I was a child. The same creature that everyone has helped me fight and lost their lives. What is this evil creature, might be asking by now.

...It's me.

Or a version of me. A creature made of dark shadows. Besides having my ferocious fighting skills and mastery of the sword, it can be any kind of nightmare it needs to be to hack and slash at you. Growing long claws or sharp teeth and even causing immense sadness, to the point of taking your own life, or sending you into a rage that you can't distinguish friend or foe.

It is a monster, born from the mind of a child and set lose upon the world. An illness that needs to be eradicated.

I look to my right and see a soldier with his own sword impaled through his chest, with tear marks streaked down his face. I feel a sense of sadness and anger from not getting here on time. These soldiers went head to head with this beast. Some lost their minds like the soldier that is sitting next to me, and the strong were ripped to shreds. I take a deep breathe as I feel the formula start to fade. Thats the funny thing about feelings. This formula keeps the air from hurting me but if I get sad or overly emotional about anything then it starts to counteract it. Usually I would just administer another dose but not this time. I need a clear head for battle that is to come.

I get up and grab my pack taking one last look at lone soldier sitting at the tree. I start towards the dark fog as I feel the last of the formula wear off. I take sharp inhale as I feel are start to burn my skin quickly escalating to excruciating pain. I ignore the best I can as I listen for any hint of the dark creature.

A whisper reaches from the fog, "Come closer..."

I can feel the hairs stand on end in anticipation of any kind of movement. Then comes the feeling of sadness and rage hitting me all at once and it takes every once of strength to fight back against it.

It's here.

Blackness and shadow swirls in front of me, forming the shape of a man. It solidifes and I see a mirror reflection of myself. He smiles a crooked, evil grin and beckons me closer.

That's when I start hearing whispers through the fog as multiple soldiers walk through the fog towards me, eyes pale and bodies mutilated, all blaming me for their deaths and how I should join them. Telling me that I deserve it and the world would be at peace and better off. How I caused the years of pain and war, how I would save others with my sacrifice. The feeling of sadness and rage intensifies as they get closer, and that dark beast just laughs with his evil, wicked grin.

Their right you know. It would be easier. I unsheathe my sword and see myself reflected in the blade. I knew all I needed to do was to kill myself and all this would be over. Without me, the beast would be dead. He is me and I am him.

Tears fall onto my silver blade and something just snaps. I scream, releasing all of my internal pain, the burning of my skin, and poison surronding me causing a blast of air to push the solified fog that was masqarading as the dead soldiers.

The sly grin that was on the creature's face disappeared. Now he looked angry. I knew that this is what he wanted. He wanted to cause me as much pain as possible. Just so that I would turn my blade onto myself. I could not, would not let that happen. He had to DIE!

I lunged forward swinging my blade towards him, just to have it blocked by his arm as it showed a blade in its place.

"You can't kill me. I am you."

I swing my blade in more ferocious flouishes, as continues to block them. We continue like this, evenly matched in skill. I can feel the air burning through my skin but I ignore it. I can't stop when I am so close. I finish off another round of flourishes. Winded and take breathing deep breathes of poisnous air, I notice that he's not even tired. He won't stop. And I am ready to collapse.

He walks up to me and I can see it in his eyes. He's going to kill me.

Fine. I'm done. I know what I need to do.

He takes his blade shoves deep into my chest. I almost don't feel it over the pain of my skin. Then that pain even fades. But I'm not ready to give up. He may have my skills with a sword but he doesn't have my relentless will. My will to live, and my will to kill him.

I grab what remains of his arm pull myself forward on his blade and with my sword still in my hand, I shove straight into his heart. He screams a blood curdling scream as the fog and the shadows of the beast fade away.

I fall to my knees now that I didn't have anything supporting me any longer. First thing I notice is that I don't feel any pain. My skin isnt burning. I breathe a sigh of relief. I look at the pink petals, falling from perfect blossoms, to the blood soaked soil of the battlefield as I fall to ground.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I look at the tear that I caught in my hand. One of many that I have caught while sat here.

"I'm glad you shared that with me." The therapist said. "And I think you have made tremendous progress these past few weeks and you should be ready to move on to our outpatient program."

"Yea I feel a lot better now. I feel like I don't need the pills anymore."

"That's good! But I'll be giving you a couple more weeks with them before we stop those. Just in case." He smiles at me.

I smile back as I look at the pink petals, falling from perfect blossoms, to water soaked rock of his cherry blossom bonsai tree.