Celestial Bodies

Beauty. Intelligence. Kindness.
Three traits converge upon a celestial body to create life
Three glorious qualities in an even more glorious person.
-- Beauty and grace pale to you.
Intelligence and wisdom fail to understand you.
Kindness and charity could never be so giving.
And I...
-- I could spend my whole life thinking,
Spend my life wondering,
Spend it trying...
And yet NEVER-- will I ever, find a way to describe you that actually does you justice
And I could spend my time searching,
Always looking...
Yet I could never find a soul as precious as yours.
And that's the hardest part...
Because you could live your life listening,
Trying to understand
The thought is hopeless...
You never will know
Just how much you mean to me.
And you will never grasp
The length I would go to be with you

And so I know I can never be with her.
She has no idea the love I feel
-- Because she doesn't feel it back
She can't understand what I see in her
-- She doesn't let herself feel that way
And yet I would give up my life
If in some small way, it would fix hers
I'd break every bone in my body
To give her the strength to go on,
I would live a life of misery
If it ensured her happiness
--and I would throw away EVERYTHING
I hold dear to me,
---Just say goodbye and go
If it in any way, showed her how much she means to me

And so I could spend my life dying
Spend my time trying
Go around the world flying
Though I can never be free
--She'll always be a part of me

Author's Note

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a little while. I usually write when I need to let out emotion and recently I haven't needed but I'm starting to need to again. Hope you like it

Reviews

[William Liston]

I can definitely tell that there's a strong spoken-word influence in your works (you told me that one time), and this piece is no exception. All throught this poem, you use a conversational tone to convey your emotions, which gives it a "raw" feeling that in my opinion, adds a sense of sincerity to it.

The main thing that I can critique is the last stanza. I must say that the last stanza flows very well and has a very smooth rhyme scheme, but it lacks in it's meaning. Why is that? Take a look at the second-to-last line; you use the word "but," which signifies contrast. The problem is, the things that come before and after the word "but" don't contrast with each other, or they at least don't do so to a point that conveys meaning to the reader. In the first three lines of the last stanza, I'd suggest saying things that show the utter hell you'd go through to be with her or something else that makes it hard to believe that "she'll still be the only one for you," all while still conveying your love and her beauty. I'd give an example of what I'm talking about, but I'm tired, and I'm surprised I could type a review this long. I'll gladly give an explanation of what I mean in the morning if you want me to. But now, I going to bed.

-William Liston
(P.S. I loved your punctuation in this. I apoligize for any typos in this review).

[Darian B.]

So I finally found something I think will be a bit more powerful. I agree with what you said about not having a contrast, but the truth is, there is no utter hell I would have if I was with her. Instead i changed the last two lines and I think you might like them a bit more. Tell me what you think though, I always love your input!

[William Liston]

Yes. I like the way you ended it, but for the sake of keeping a flow, I'd suggest saying "She'll" instead of "She will."

[Coffee Vampier]

I see your content is love sick. I often find if that's true it's a subconscious direction you're headed in the wrong way. However, I feel for you and I can understand the pattern of your writing. However I see that your poetry isn't written with a rhyme or with fluid notions. Reading will help this.

[Darian B.]

Please read this understanding that I only write it as an explanation and there is no anger or bitterness towards your words because I recognize you only wanted to help:

The love sickness in my content isn't subconscious, and not entirely love sickness either. I function highly, and the feelings I had/have for her have never gotten in the way of my actions in life, only strengthened them. If you read my latest write, "Adieu" (which is not a poem but an explanation) you will find that I have recognized the feelings and have already started changing. As for my writing style, it is actually the roughness of it that I like. It is unique and therefore my own. That being said, my poems are much better as spoken word poems because it is the implied pauses that bring out the fluidity in my poems. Not to say my poems are anything special, but I like the rawness in my style. Again though, I do appreciate the review and only say what I say to inform.

[Coyote Poetry]

A honest tone to the words and I like the need and the want of the words.
"I would live a life of misery
If it ensured her happiness
--and I would throw away EVERYTHING
I hold dear to me,
---Just say goodbye and go
If it in any way, showed her how much she means to me "
Real love is like the words above. When attained. Never forgotten. Thank you Darian for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Nisreen]

I am smiling at your poem

Well
she must be lucky
most women would wish to be that lucky

i know i would

beautiful

[Papaya]

This is super romantic but also super sad. Really love this!

[Darian B.]

My life in a nutshell ;) thank you for the kind words though, it means a lot!

[Papaya]

My pleasure, good poem.

[H.L. Cerveise]

Okay, first off, I really like this poem's structure. The depth of your feelings and commitment to your celestial goddess cannot be doubted. I like the lines, "Beauty. Intelligence. Kindness. Three traits converge upon a celestial body to create life..." because they are kind of a summary of what you expand on in the rest of the writing. I read William's review about the last stanza. I see you changed it. I have decided to endeavor to try and not use the word " Why? Well, it seems to short and does not convey much information. I prefer words like, "nevertheless, nonetheless, even so, however, still, notwithstanding, despite that, in spite of that, though, and although." There are other options, but you get the idea. These words convey more than just a contrast, well at least to me; they do. Try those options with your line, "But I can never be free..." and let me know what you think.

I would say overall, I love this poem, and I can see the emotions you are so clearly are showing; however, if you decide to expand the last stanza, I feel that could better convey the torture you would go through for her. (big grin noticed I did not use "but")

Well done.

[Darian B.]

Haha, I really like that idea of not using "but" and I think if I can avoid it in the future, it will definitely improve my writing so thank you! I think that often nuances of detail create a piece. I will definitely look into adding upon the last stanza, I just need to find the right words. Thank you a lot, this was really helpful!

[Diamond]

Thank you HL, for making me read this. Excellent work. Heart lightening

[Michaela Moerke]

I absolutley love this poem! It has to be one of your best! The emotion hits like a bullet with every word read, a story many can relate to, a poem of art.