Too Late

Everything's is all the same. Everyone is the same. All the sympathy, it gets tiring after awhile. It all means nothing after the tenth person says they're sorry. It's not going to change the fact that I'm dying, but it's the thought that counts, right? The flowers irritate my nose, but they keep piling up in my room. The cards all say the same thing, occasionally money. I can't help but think when it falls out right before I open the card is 'What the hell is a sick girl going to do with money? ' 

All I do is try to find something happy about my life, but there's not. I can't find happiness out of anything, I try-trust me-but It gets bad. Death and Despair. 

My fear of death is incredible. I fear all the black, the graves, the mourning of my own death. Especially the cold, dark , heartless morgue my body will be placed in for days. That's one question that always stays with me ,If someone where to commit suicide, they'd never know why. They may know how and have a theory of why, but not what was really going on in their mind.    

 Landen has been by my side for several years, ever since i'd been diagnosed. I thanked god everyday for him and to make me better. That was a waste, he never answered. I stopped calling for him. I thank my family and Landen everyday. When you've become close to your death and realize you're in your death bed, you take in your life and over look it. Then you regret every choice you ever made. I avoid all this worry. Worrying can only make you die sooner,enjoy your time while you have it. 

It's a hard task to tackle when you really are dying. It's one of those , you'll never know unless you try. 

When I try to close my eyes,dream about a better place, all I get is thoughts and pictures and little clips of my funeral. It's terrible to think of. It's a scary thought to have. I hate it. I think of when my Mother died when I was only 12. I hadn't known what happened,one day she was here, and the next, gone. When I got older about a month after I was announced with my disease my father told me where she went,up to heaven. I don't believe in god, so there's not heaven. So I don't really know where she went. 

Landen and my dad alternate what days they come. If they have time they'll stay the night,but they rarely do that. Landen always brings something to make me think. Something to remind me of the great memories we've had. 

A  ticket with a band mates signature. It was to Mumford & Sons. Our favorite and first concert. The concert was  one of the many memories I had with him. He surprised me with tickets every so often. I always thought he had a secret crush on me. He always insisted he was being benign. 

I dread the days Landen leaves and my father comes. Landen gets me at my happiest,until dad shows up and cries when he thinks I'm asleep. He gets all mushy and it only hurts. To see your father crying himself all night and curling up upon a hospital bed,then waking up alone. All i think about is me,making my dad cry. Like it's all my fault. While all this is rushing to my head I can only think I failed everyone. He says all these things and they all pass my head because they're the same exact things every time. 

"I Love You,"

"You're getting better honey,stay strong for mommy,"

"Bravery is key,"

"I know you can beat this," 

"You're strong, beautiful,"

"I Love You,"

The words "I Love You" mean absolutely nothing to me. 

You can't say the same thing,over again,and mean it.

It's hard to take anything literal anymore.

This afternoon a teenage girl from down the hall came in my room. She had a card.The card was written very nicely:  

Dear  Blank, 

I wished for a big doll house when I was little, and it came true.

When I got older, it wasn't cool to have a doll house, so we sold it.

I wished for something to be important in my life,and I got the guy I love.

My friends convinced me he was a jerk, so I dumped him.

I wished for my parents to stop fighting.And they did.

With my illness came my wish.

I wished for things to be normal again. Not this time.

I lie here. Wishing for my first wish. 

If I wasn't so foolish,maybe i'd be awake. 

Alicia,was her name,she was announced dead after she left this in my room. 

This note haunts me everyday of my life. why had she left her last words with me? Why was I  so important? It didn't make me feel special, it made me feel,precarious. I didn't want this note,nor did I ask for a death letter. I couldn't  help but wonder what had she meant by this. 

I heard from a distance that Landen was giving up an organ for me,but he wasn't my blood type. There was no way he could possibly give me an organ, so I knew I needed sleep. My bed started to move. All I could make out was a white orb of light every foot. Like a ceiling light. Everything else was a blur. I was moving fast.I heard my bed hit a door. As I was being pushed Landen  was walking next to my side.He grabbed my hand and transported me to  different warming world. The world blurred out as Landen whispered things to me. 

"The first time i meet you.., was in the sixth grade. You had that utterly gross blonde hair. We both hated it so we got it change back to brunette. In my opinion you look beautiful with brunette hair anyway. You loved to write and lost that hobbie,but when you did you always wrote about how wonderful our time together was. You thought those were secret.You always used to end the story with your signature flowers that ran off the page. 

You always had to swing on the left swing or you'd hit me. And you refused to go on roller coasters at six-flags. You can't deal with the funny feeling in your stomach. It's crazy how much i remember,i could go on for days,but for now,stay safe,"  

I caught on, someone had given me an organ. But who no one was my blood type. Right before Landen whispered in my ear I was being moved...to the surgery room. 

"You can't Landen,"

"But I did,"

"I told you I wasn't tasking that from you,"

"You weren't,I'm giving It to you,calm down It'll be fine,"  

        "Landen,I.."

        "Yeah,"

"I Lo...," I was put to sleep before I could finish. 

I never got to tell Landen how I felt about him. I died in surgery. 

I wasn't done with him and my life. 

I needed more time.

Stupid Landen,Why couldn't you just leave it alone.

I knew this would happen. 

  You had to ruin it,didn't you. 

I stayed watching over Landen to see how he's been holding up before I left for good. He looks fine as ever. How could he do this. Had he not cared about anything we did together. He never cared,never ,just like the guy in her poem.Is it happening to me? How could anyone be so selfish. I must be better dead anyways.

I went back to my hospital bed and noticed how different it looked not occupied. I sat upon the bed and saw a piece of paper fall to the bed. It looked quite like a medical bill. 

I heard a familiar voice in the hall. It was Landen I looked out the the door window and he was on the floor sobbing. 

"I Loved her," and it stopped.   

I grabbed the paper and read it . 

"Do you remember last summer when we stayed out late on the dock and stayed under the stars all night,and you got cold so I gave you my jacket. We were looking at the constellations,not that we knew any,but we both pretended. You fell asleep in my arms,and I got to watch something so beautiful and bright as the stars, fall asleep.You hugged me close as if you were the safest with me.I loved how safe you felt in my arms. And I think that was when I first fell in Love with you.  

And the night when we had to study for our history test at the end of the year and we stayed up all night and  fell asleep on a pile of books on your bed,what a fun time that was explaining that one to your parents. 

 

And my second favorite memory,when you made me get ready for the dance at school with you,even though we were going as friends. Girls on those nights are ballistic. 

When I came to your house for a movie night,your idea ,not mine, and we fell asleep together on the couch. You seemed so comfortable like it was your spot. 

When you wake up and feel better,I'd love to be your boyfriend if you'd give me the pleasure. 

I'll treat you like a princess,and on valentines day,I'll get you a tiara for your head.I love you Tara. I love ever part about you. The way you can't have your food touch or the way your hair is always covering one eye. I love you and will..Forever xx. 

P.S. Yes, All those tickets were more than a friendly favor. "  

  

Yours Truly,

Landen.