Who Am I

Hello there,

It’s a silly Question don't you agree, everybody will answer that question pretty fast without any kind of hesitation, but if the question is that silly can you answer why the philosophers asked that question and tried to find the answers for that silly question across the history.

From Plato to Nietzsche everybody tried to define who I am. You know that I starting reading about philosophy and theology since I was 18 years old and now I’m 32, And still I couldn't find the answers that I’m looking for, maybe because I was looking in the wrong direction.

Recently I was rereading a couple of books; the outsider for Colin Wilson, the outsider and the plague for Camus. After finishing them I started wondering if the definition of absurdity has been tailored for me in a since, because this is what I feel deep down inside for some time. I stopped caring for anything. I'm not happy nor sad about anything comes across my sight, I don’t have any kind of emotions toward anything in my life or any kind of attachments to the things I used to like, love or hate. I feel pretty separated from my surroundings. so a friend of mine told me that it seems I have a severe depression, but how can I be depressed when I feel pretty relaxed like I never did before; I really have no idea nor care to find one.

Back to the same question; How am I. if it was couple of years back I’m pretty sure that I’m going to say that I’m someone who doesn't want to be  left without being mentioned in the history, I have a lot of plans for the future fame money family kids .... etc.; same old stories that we recite over and over again in our minds, but when you ask me now my answer will be totally different. I am a man with no plans for future no matter how tiny it was, nor expecting anything wither it is bad or good, I don’t care that much about people and their emotions nor do I feel empathy toward them. I’m pretty singular like it has been defined in mathematics "(of a square matrix) having a zero determinant". I'm neither happy nor sad, nor I could feel regret, somehow careless for cognitive point of view, and the funny thing about it I know for sure that this definition will be altered or omitted in the future but I don’t care less. Because all the definitions we shape at some point of time things comes and change it radically, and the reason why definition changes. It changes because of our experiences and how did we perceived it, taking into consideration our mental maturity factor, because a lot of people go through different experiences in their lives and still it doesn't add up anything on their being.

It’s funny how often I remember Nietzsche's and the way he perceives this life and human entity, and one of the most funny things about him that he wrote his philosophy without caring that much if anybody read it or understands it, he wrote it for himself and he felt the urge of writing something. Why it is funny, because this is what I feel when I’m writing something. Who am I to change somebodies way of thinking or to shake his core? Everybody is responsible for his core, if you get what I mean.

Somebody will perceive my words as me being lost, or I’m putting to many psychological barriers between me and me, all this psychological analysis and profiling always makes me laugh; a whole science was based on perceptions and interpretations definitely it will be so funny. I will end up this blabbering bay mentioning the fact or at least it is my fact

"Psychology pretty similar to philosophy, and they are pretty similar in a way that both of them are food for the mind and consumes the mind, and when they are done they start to consume your heart"