My Heaven

Chapter 1

This wasn’t how life was supposed to turn out.  We were only 19 years old and had our whole lives to live.  I put on my black suit and tie and looked at myself in the mirror.  She would have thought I was so handsome.  I sit down to tie my shoes and a tear escapes my eye.  I don’t think I can do this.  I can’t say goodbye.  My throat starts to close up and I feel like I’m choking.  I sob uncontrollably.  She was my world.  We had been together since freshmen year of high school.  She was so sweet and innocent.  No way did she deserve this.  My eyes are burning, but I can’t stop crying.  I just sit on my bed and think of all the times I held her in my arms.  Her eyes would slowly close, then flutter back open.  She was so cute, pretending like she wasn’t tired just so she could spend more time with me.  God, I wish I could go back to those days and tell her what was going to happen.  I wish I could have saved her.  But I can’t and she’s gone. I stand up.  It’s time to go to the funeral home.  It’s time to say my one last goodbye to the first girl I’ve ever loved.

There are so many people here.  She would have loved to say hi to each and every one of them.  That’s how she was.  She was so social.  Everyone in school loved her and it looks like they all showed up.  I sit in the front row and watch as people walk up to her and kneel to say their goodbyes.  They walk up to me, too, and say how sorry they are and that they’re there for me if I need them.  I nod and slightly smile.  That’s all I can manage.  The night passes in a blur.  I don’t remember who’s talked to me.  All I remember is staring at her beautiful face for the last time.  Her brown hair was lying down to her shoulders in curls.  I loved her curls.  I used to twirl them in my fingers. It’d get all tangled and she’d yell at me.  I would just laugh.  She was adorable when she got frustrated with me.  I couldn’t help but laugh which would just make her angrier.  They did her makeup perfectly.  Light blue eye shadow with soft pink lip gloss.  She was stunning.  She was wearing a navy blue sundress.  This is so hard.  How am I supposed to say bye to her? She looks so peaceful.  I’m a wreck inside.  My angel.  Why? I’m one of the last ones in the room and the director tells me to take as long as I need.  I walk up to her casket. Kneel down and say a silent pray.  Tears flow from my eyes as I touch her hand one last time.  I kiss my lips and touch them to her lips.

“Goodbye Isabella, I’ll always love you.  You were taken from me and I don’t know why, but I will never forget you.  You will always live on in my heart. God, please take care of her.  She deserves the best care.”

I stand up and turn my back to her. I close my eyes.  God, please give me the strength to do this.  I muster up the courage to walk out of the room.  This night has been hell for me.  My heaven has been taken away.  I don’t know how I’m going to carry on without it, without her.

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

Great hook. Good images, but I think you could have expressed them better in terms of sound. I feel like you could add a more emotional punch to it. Hard consonants and tonal dissonance can create the conflict you need. For example: "My heaven has been taken away. I don't know how I'm going to carry on without it, without her" is your last sentence. It's so moving thematically, but you can add a POP to it with a little phonetic discord. I'm being meticulous because you are no beginner. Nice read! Really!

[Jon]

I like it-I want to read the next chapter to find out what happened. I agree with Maidahl that it needs a little more "punch" to it. For example you would capture the reader's interest by interjecting thoughts such as "it was a horrific way to die" or "the long battle was over", whichever would pertain to the story. When viewing her in the casket a "glittering stone imbedded in the necklace which I had given her for her 19th birthday tells me she will be taking part of me (or us) with her". (These are just suggestions.) Great writing!

[Schadenfreude]

I really like this, and I hope you continue soon! The chapters so far are great :)