Attention Rob Zombie

A letter for Rob Zombie concerning H2

Dear Mr. Rob Zombie,

Below you will find changes and edits that need to be made your crapfest film called H2. I demand you then reshoot the film following these suggestions, this way no one else will feel that they'd have been better off flushing their money down the toilet instead of buying this trainwreck of a film.

#1: Remove Weird Al Yankovic from the film, he has no business in a horror film... actually if you could just have him killed off for real I believe the world would be a better place.

#2: Mike Myers must always wear the mask period, none of this shaggy looking homeless guy s**t.

#3: Speaking of Mike Myers, he has always been a mute, thus he should have absolutely no lines. Even if he is just saying "Die."

#4: Try not ripping off the Friday the 13th "I miss my mommy"  story line

#5: Danielle Harris deserves more screen time, she could be picking her nose for all I care, just put her on the screen.

#6: What the f**k is up with the half hour dream sequence at the beginning? it's pointless and confusing, get rid of it.

#7: The unnecessary concert scene does nothing to progress the story, get rid of it or at least get a band that doesn't suck, I'm sure your unemployed brother from Powerman 5000 is free...on second thought maybe he should go the way of Weird Al. Similarly, I know you ripped this scene off from Alone in the Dark (It's an 80's film look it up)

#8: Samuel Loomis is supposed to be a psychologist, just saying.

#9: We should see a progression of Laurie Strode's descent into madness, she was a sweet likable girl in the first one and a raving b***h from the start in the sequel.

#10: Hey you remember that dream sequence...no, not that one the other one, no the other one, no the one after that...f**k it, just get rid of the dreams all together.

#11: This is a slasher film with a surprising shortage of slashing, hint hint. I'm not saying add pointless violence but I am implying it.

#12: Did I mention Danielle Harris needing more screen time? I did? Well get on it already.

#13: I don't know who Laurie's friends are, all I know is I didn't care when they got killed.

#14: Seriously, was the strip club owner the guy who played Goober in House of 1000 Corpses?

#15: We need to see Scout Taylor-Compton topless, not just because I'm a pervert but because every slasher film needs at least a dozen topless women in it.

#16: Where the f**k do you get off replacing Daeg Faerch with Chase Vanek? They don't even look alike dipshit.

#17: And you replaced William Forsythe in the flashback?!?

#18: Bill Moseley and Sid Haig both need cameos,  I don't make the rules, just get it done.

#19: Wouldn't Laurie have been informed she was Mike Myers sister before the book was released?

#20: What was up with the whole "getting held down by a ghost" s**t at the end?

#21: I know your wife is hot, I get it you got lucky, but she really doesn't need to be playing the role of Pamela Voorhees. (Yes it was another 'I know you ripped off Friday the 13th' thing).

#22: How is Mike Myers strong enough to flip a car? Is he f*****g Superman now?

#23: What the f**k is up with the ending? It sucked, more so then the rest of the film.

I hope you find this helpful Mr. Zombie, with these changes I'm sure we can pretend that your s****y version of H2 never happened. As a side note "The Haunted World of El Superbeasto" was great, don't f**k up the sequel to that like you did Halloween.

Thank you for your consideration,

Chris Sevigny

Author's Note

This is mostly just an inside joke between me and a friend of mine, it is by no means meant to be taken seriously, unless of course you are Rob Zombie.