Ignorance & One Liners

If you were to find a human arm in the woods...do you think you could keep it? What about the watch on the arm? I'm just wondering because i may or may not have found an arm in the woods and i may or may not be wearing the watch right now.

Have you ever noticed that in most scifi movies all the aliens speak english? This just furthers my bigotry about not learning spanish.

A few days ago a woman walked up to me and said "i just don't understand men." to which i replied, "that's interesting, i don't understand Japanese."

I work with a retarded guy and he seems to have ADD, he never pays attention. I wish i could send him to a camp where he could learn to concentrate, like a concentration camp.I hear they were quite popular with the Jews back in the forties. Though i also hear they were afraid of the showers, then again who wouldn't be? Have you ever showered at camp? There is absolutely no hot water at all.

People always tell me their problems, because i'm apparently the approachable type as i wave a gun at traffic, in all honesty i don't get paid to listen to people's problems, then again i don't get paid to drink and make an a*s out of myself either...

I may not have all the answers, but i do have a shotgun, and that does tend to make me persuasive.

 I love midgets, they make the cutest little popping sounds when you step on them.

This morning i ran over a dog with my car, and my first thought was "s**t i just washed this f*****g car." I'm lying i would never hit a dog with my car. Cats however, i have a scorecard for, "alright tigercat! BAM. Yes ten points!

I think that clubbing baby seals is wrong, a gun is far more effective and you don't risk throwing out your shoulder.

I find that my opinion on sports greatly depends on how much alcohol is available when i go to an event.

my girlfriend works at a stripclub, in the kitchen.

I like that walmart is open 24/7 because sometimes i wake up at three in the morning in a cold sweat thinking "damn i need paper towels, an alarm clock, a hammer, and some grape juice right f*****g now! oh right walmart."

Speaking of walmart, i like to go in every now and then to rearrange shelves as i see fit, like putting nails, band aids, garbage cans, bread, and shampoo all in one aisle. That way if someone comes in needing those exact items they don't have to go wandering all over the place.

incidently i'm not allowed in two different Walmarts anymore.

I got kicked out of drug rehab, because i never actually did any drugs, that's discrimination and i won't stand for that s**t.

Can i go into a Burger King and buy just one fry? how much would it cost?

I proposed to my first wife at a Wendy's, i bought onion rings first because i couldn't afford an engagement ring. Which is a very strange story mostly because i've never been married.

My thearapist told me i have anger issues, i told him to shut up or i'd kill him...I miss Dr. Malcolm.

 

Author's Note

Let me know what works and what doesn't

Reviews

[Through the Gateway]

This is just...wrong. On all sorts of levels.

Some of these are hilarious, and some are just mildly amusing. And don't take them too far. For example:

"A few days ago a woman walked up to me and said "i just don't understand men." to which i replied, "that's interesting, i don't understand Japanese." Apparently she wanted advice but i was under the impression we were just comparing things we don't know. That's a misconnection."

If you end it just at "I don't understand Japanese", that's freakin' hilarious. Don't go into explanation for that one.

My favorite?

"I think that clubbing baby seals is wrong, a gun is far more effective and you don't risk throwing out your shoulder."

...it's so freakin' wrong and I shouldn't laugh at it, but the delivery is impeccable.

[Gustav Strom]

Next time, if you could number these, I could give a quick and easy review on each joke. It's funny though, Mitch Hedberg-esque. The girlfriend works at the strip club, in the kitchen is brilliant. Also liked the drug rehab one.

Drop the "oh right walmart" on your first walmart joke. Don't need it.

On the aliens/scifi joke, maybe rework the punchline. I think you can do better.

The onion ring thing was done by the Simpsons and the concentration camp joke was done by South Park. Sorry.

[Daynise Couch]

I love all things RANDOM! This is definitely random yet very funny. My only suggestion is to use either bullets or double spacing in your format so it reads a bit easier. Good job.

[Aimee]

In all honesty, I thought this was hilarious.
In most places.
[:

What inspired you to write this, anyways?

Anyways, I love it. :D