"If only"

 

Every lifelong longing,

craving for belonging,

starts with two simple words "if only"

Two words, utterly  lonely

Every little regret,

All dreams unmet

starts with two simple word "if only"

Two words, utterly lonely

That nagging, gloomy feeling of guilt,

keeps edging and hurting like a sword hilt.

"If only I loved her" "If only I took his advice"

"If only I took care of my family"

"If only...if only...if only"

"If only he was alive"

Too late, he will not survive...

Love, live and dream

never let regret take off your gleam...

Author's Note

Please do not hesitate to give me your feedback...I long for constructive criticism

Reviews

[IScribble7]

I have no idea how to critique this at all, but this poem is easily one of the best that I've ever read, and so relatable for anyone reading this. It's quite nice to find an honest poem that people can really relate to, but, and please don't feel too offended by this, i would say not to make every single poem like this, try to find some variety, the next poem you write could be a little more uplifting.

[Seuwandi]

Hi IScribble7

Thanks a lot, I will try to create an inspiring poem, I understand this is a bit off to the sadness. Thanks again for taking your time to review my work!

[John the Baptist]

A very good job here of zeroing in on a tendency shown by too many. It is all right to look back to see how something might have been done differently. This is called learning from experience. It's not the same as reviewing past failures for the purpose of self flagellation. This is a practice engaged in by people whose self esteem is already at low ebb. It surely doesn't raise it.

[JayG]

• That nagging, gloomy feeling of guilt,
keeps edging and hurting like a sword hilt.

The thing to remember, when writing structured poetry, is that the rhyme is not the purpose, it’s an accent. Ideally, it’s almost invisible, the “tink” of a cymbal to keep time.

As soon as you let the rhyme drive the line, you get what happened, here. You needed “hilt” as a rhyme, so you forced the rest of the line to it. But the hilt of a sword is the end you grip. So there is no edge. And if the hilt is against you, the sword is through you, which matters a LOT more, right?

Making the rhyme and the line work together is especially important in couplets, because hard, moon/June rhymes can give a “rocking horse” feel that can overwhelm the poem’s meaning.

Ideally, the thing that matters is the thought the line is providing. Look at the first stanza of the song, The Twelfth of Never, as an example:

You ask how much I need you, must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you; I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never, I'll still be loving you.

It’s shown as rhyming couplets, but the phrasing of each line makes it more like

You ask how much I need you,
must I explain?
I need you, oh my darling,
like roses need rain.
You ask how long I'll love you;
I'll tell you true:
Until the twelfth of never,
I'll still be loving you.

That makes the rhyme less “in your face.” But notice, too, that the rhyme isn’t the focus, and the rhyming word is one that best fits the thought, making the thought the true focus of the piece.

Notice, too, a clever bit of misdirection. The first line is phrased as a question. Normally, questioning the reader, or someone unknown, doesn’t work because the reader has no context to provide one. But in this case, it’s a reasonable question, one we might be asked by someone we've told we love them, so the reader will want to hear the response, if for no other reason than that perhaps they might use it if asked that same question. Make sense?

Another poem, this one with a stronger rhyme scheme, is Robert Service’s, The Cremation of Sam McGee. It’s over 100 years old now, but the strong beat of the cadence can still get an audience tapping their feet in time to it, and the ending can still bring a smile:
https://www.shmoop.com/cremation-sam-mcgee/poem-text.html

After you read the poem, look over the analysis on the following pages. I think you'll find it helpful.

For a really good introduction to the use of language in poetry, and using the march of stressed/unstressed syllables to your advantage, take a look at the excerpt for Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled on Amazon.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Seuwandi]

To be honest, I am 100% with you about the rhyming. I will look for Stephen Fry's book. Thank you!

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Pure magic in these words. And so profoundly true. Thank you for sharing this poem.