That Fateful Day

Reflective writing, reviews welcome!

The reservoir filled with water. Filling evermore waiting to burst. The floodgates bending under the tremendous force. I can still remember you knocking on my door that fateful day. Panic flooded through my system. Not that I wasn't waiting for you. Time slowed to a standstill that day as I awaited your arrival. A million different scenarios playing in my head. But the full reality was nigh impossible to grasp. No amount of preparation or mental barriers could protect me. Your greeting was brief, your mood distant. We walked unto the deck. The floodgates buckled and flew aside. Here comes the tidal wave. Out of your eyes comes the water as you break down. As if you were the gates themselves. You kept saying you couldn't do this anymore. You kept saying you couldn't get on like this. I fight back the water. My entire being refuses to accept this reality. I suppose I told myself, as I prepared for this day, that one day I'd wake up and this would all just be a dream. Or moreso a nightmare. At some point I'd wake up and realize to my great relief that everything was okay. As I become wet from the wave, I actually did wake up. Water wakes a sleeper person oh so quick. I was hoping that I was asleep. The sad ironic, truth is that I was. For some time I was asleep, caught in my dreaming fantasy that all was as it should be. All along I hoped I was asleep while refusing to believe I already was. I had created my own dream and refused to believe it would ever change. But dreams always seem real when you're in them don't they? So as I lived my nightmarish dream I could never wake up, because I was hoping for that which I was already living. I was getting my wish daily without ever knowing. And because I didn't know I was asleep I could never wake. Stuck in an unwittingly self-perpetuating cage in which I desired the reality I lived without knowing I'd already attained it.

I remember the look in your eyes. A mix of pain, fear, regret, and solemn determination. Your mind had been made up; the decision had been made. After hours of self-debate and what-ifs the plan had been made. As tears filled your eyes you said those words, those final words. The floodgates burst open and water poured forth. I felt as if I were drowning and my lungs were filling with water. I could scarcely breath and was speechless, as if saying anything at all would be a great struggle. As the water filled me up it found an outlet: my eyes. As tears poured forth I tried in vain to string together a sentence but only a jumbled up mess of words came out. Looking back on it I remember telling myself the day before that I'd hold my composure. As if I had that much resolve. I protested the injustice of it all. I lashed out in terror as I realized the implications of what you said. I built up more excuses to justify our unison. As I always had. But your mind had been made. I vainly struggled to keep my world together. For that's what you were. As cliché and cheesy as it was that's what you were to me. The problem with investing everything you have in someone is that you are totally dependent on them. When you invest all you are in something dynamic, something temporary, and then lose it, you also then lose yourself. So I lost myself that day.