The Big Bad Wolf:Part 2

The Big Bad Wolf

Part 2

(3Pigs 1Wolf)

 

I ran all the way home

Not once did I look back

What the hell did I just experience?

I’ve never been through such an attack

 

I ran miles through the woods

Over broken branches and rocks

 To get to my front door

To find out the landlords

 Had changed my locks

 

At this point, I’m irritated

In no mood to be kind

I’m ready to find

These three slumlord-swine

And give them a piece of my mind!

 

All three of them are brothers

In fact, they’re triplets

 All three are lazy,

No-good,

Potbelly piglets

 

I marched to the youngest one’s house

His name is Otis

I was ready to show him exactly where

 He can stick his eviction notice

 

Otis is the wimpy one                          

And not at all too bright

So I didn’t expect trouble from him

Or much of a fight

 

He is an absolute moron

An imbecile, who has me in awe

How dumb do you have to be…

To build your house with straw?

 

I knocked on the door

And yelled for him to come out

“Otis, get your rump-roast out here!

…Before I break your snout!”

 

“I paid my rent

And I paid it on time!

You have no right to kick me out!

I don’t owe you a dime!”

 

The porker poked out his head and said…

 

“Your rent went up

And you haven’t paid the difference

That’s why you’ve been evicted

So goodbye!

And good riddance!”

 

I responded,

 

“I paid what I agreed to pay

When I signed my lease

But I refuse to pay anymore

So cut the rent increase!”

 

He peeked out his window

And squealed,

“No!

You have to pay us

Now!

 Or you have to go!”

 

My anger was beginning to build up

And I was trying to hold it back,

Because when I become enraged

It causes a massive asthma attack

 

"Stupid pig, dumb pig, let me come in!"

"No, no, not by the hair on my chinny chin chin."

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in

Then out of my lungs, came an angry burst of wind.

 

…and with that,

 The whole house collapsed

Like a haystack

Straw scattered everywhere

Everything went flat

 

The swine wasted no time

He started running south

I followed the squeals

All the way to his brother’s house

*************************************************************************************

The second oldest brother is Orson

And he weighs a ton

I would really get a kick out of

Seeing his fat a*s try to run

 

His house smelled like a garbage dump

And a busted septic tank, all mixed

You could smell the odor a mile away

Seeping through his house made of sticks

 

I knocked on the door

And yelled for them both to come out

“Don’t act like you’re not home!

You know what this is about!”

 

I peeked in the window

And twisted the doorknob

“Face me like the pig you are!

You big, fat slob!”

 

Orson snorted,

 

“Get the hell off my property

With all of your vulgarity!

I’m sorry you’re homeless now,

But I don’t give to charity!”

 

"Fat pig, sloppy pig, let me come in."

"No, no, not by the bacon grease on my chinny chin chin."

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in”

“If I’m homeless- We are all gonna be homeless, then!”

 

Just then, out of my lips

Formed a massive hurricane

It snapped every twig in sight

And flattened the house’s frame

 

As Otis sprinted out of the wreckage,

 Obese Orson rolled down the hill

All the way to their brother’s house

I followed the sows’ squeals

*************************************************************************************

The oldest is Orwell

He is the “brains” out of the bunch

But judging from the others

That’s not saying very much

 

At least he had the common sense

To build his house with bricks

 Unlike dumb and dumber

Who used chewing gum,

 Hay, and sticks

 

“Up until now, I’ve been nice

But not anymore!

Come out, or I’ll come in!

I’ll break down this door!”

 

“Just pay what you owe us!”

Shouted the oinker, Orwell

“I’m not paying a damn thing!

You can go straight to hell!”

 

“The rent is too damn high

To live in that pigsty!

Now refund my money,

Or you three pork chops are gonna fry!”

 

“I think you ought to leave,

But if you don’t, it’s ok!

You’ll get what’s coming to you,

Because the cops are on their way!”

 

"Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in."

"No, no, not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins."

"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in”

“I’ve done it before, and I’ll surely do it again!”

 

I filled my lungs with air

 And puffed with all my might

But the house didn’t budge

I knew this would be a fight

 

I blew so hard,

 That I thought I popped a vein

I Inhaled and exhaled

Over and over again

 

Exhausted and out of breath

I knew that I was done

I could hear the hogs celebrating

As if they had won

 

I didn’t want it to go this far

 They made me choose this route

If they weren’t gonna face me, willingly

I would smoke the sausages out

 

I climbed up to the chimney

And shimmied down the shaft

Suddenly I smelled smoke

Then a fireball flew up my a*s!

 

I shot out of the chimney

And landed in a pond

I could hear the brothers laughing

Clear across the lawn

 

“You can laugh now,

But you’ll cry later

 Because this is not over!

Next time, I’ll be prepared

With three apples,

A roaster,

And a bulldozer!”

 

Just then, I heard police sirens

They were loud and coming closer

Then suddenly, I heard a familiar voice

As their hand tapped my shoulder

 

The face that I saw, put a stamp

On this day of downward spirals

It was “Little’s Red’s” granny

Sitting on her pink motorcycle

 

I was stuck between

A brick house and hard place

-With nowhere to hide

She winked and said,

“Hey there sexy,

Do you need a ride?”

 

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

Author's Note

Part 1
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/serenusaymone/1173930/

Part 2
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/serenusaymone/1176127/

Part 3
http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/serenusaymone/1177739/

Reviews

[Frieda P]

You're insane!! Hahahaha, how do you think of these things? Had me laughing out loud through the entire read, each line is funnier than that next. Good job, I didn't think you'd be able to outdo the first part but you've accomplished that and more! Still laughing....lovin' granny.

[Sirius King]

thanx Frieda! lol...i wasn't so sure about this one, so I'm glad you like it. Im not sure how i come up with it...it may be your first thought...insanity! lol

thanx! :-))

[Frieda P]

Yeah I think so, or you're smoking something funny lol ;-)

[Sirius King]

lol maybe...

and i'll huff and i'll puff....!

;-))

[Frieda P]

LOL

[Sirius King]

hahaaha

[minisla]

Nice twist to the original story.

[Dominique Lambright]

Lol this was very funny, I loved it.

[Parsimony]

I enjoyed the progression. You must have a soft-spot for the wolf seeing the skewed perspective.

[Sirius King]

yea, as a kid i always had a soft spot for the villains, not sure why...i guess I'm just weird lolread moreyea, as a kid i always had a soft spot for the villains, not sure why...i guess I'm just weird lol


thank u

[Travis Gibson (poetic h..]

Pure talent! Off to read part 3! I'm digging granny. haha

[Sirius King]

gotta love granny lol

thanks again

[Vria P Crow]

This is an excellent interpretation of the Three Little Bigs. I like what you did here. I laughed my tushy off at these snippets. It also reminds me of the Elizabeth Smart story, I think.

[Sirius King]

thanx again :-)

[dw817]

OMG ! You are awesome. You should totally do stand up comedy for these 3 entries. I've never read poetry this funny or amusing in my life. And that's saying a bit actually. :)

From the Twisted Fixtures Of Serenus, who is anything EXCEPT serene !

[Sirius King]

i don't think i'm funny enough for stand up, I'd probably throw up before i could get one word out lol

Serenity in insanity ;-))

thanx again

[dw817]

I got stage fright too years ago. Bad stuff, no I'm not gonna talk about it. Talk about wanting to DIE. Anyways, I know some comediennes do cool stuff like this on stage and it reminded me of it.

[Sirius King]

funny thing is, i sing in front of large audiences all of the time...but i think comedy is much harder

[dw817]

Humm ... I hadn't really thought about that. I know I played David & Goliath one time, well, not all at once, I was David and some other guy Goliath - and while I think I was 8-years old or so everyone applauded and said I was great and junk so - maybe it has to do with the stage and setting.

Singing might be a bit easier cause comedy guys gotta think on their feet and be funny right then and there so yah. I guess if you gave a quick intro on the microphone, "Here is my take of The Big Bad Wolf. And a one, a two, a one - two - three !" and someone played music to it and you sang it in perfect rhythm and changed voices and stuff you'd have them roiling in the aisles ! :D

[Sirius King]

lol that would be some show lol

[dw817]

I'd be in the front rows man a-clapping to the beat ! :)

Dju know you could do an audio blog entry here ? Maybe find some music that matches the beat and break it down on a MIC. If you need assist with the HTML technics, I could help ya.

[Sirius King]

that would be cool

i was thinking about making this into a story book, with really nice illustrations...kind of like a adult "children's book"

[dw817]

Huum ! You would definitely need an artist for that. I can sketch stuff I see using programming tools I wrote but I can't draw from scratch. http://dw817.deviantart.com/gallery/

I'm good with all that mathematical stuff tho.

[lovejulez03]

"I would smoke the sausages out" I'm tickled pink over here! Again, great write. Hilarious and entertaining, maybe even more then the first one. Can't decide yet. Talented my friend!

[Sirius King]

lol i like that line too haha,
thanx again!

[Tunder]

These are my favorites! I laugh reading these! Oh, they're so good!

[Sirius King]

lol thanx! ;-))

[Alexander Rodgers]

Lol just as good as the first one, so twisted and messed up I got a good laugh from it

[Sirius King]

lol thanx man, im glad u like it

part 3 is finished also!

[Alexander Rodgers]

I'll have to check it out

[KAOlmsted]

You're really quite mad, you know that?? xD

I love it. And speaking as an old, kinky broad *laugh* I especially like the recurring granny ;-) Well done, SR...

[Sirius King]

U gotta love granny lol

thanxxx kimmer!

[KAOlmsted]

Always my pleasure, SR ;-)

[Sirius King]

;-))