Really powerful write, I liked mostly the end, which makes a sadness arise in me...Everyone needs love, sometimes people want to be "cheated" just to escape from loneliness. You need this love, until it kills your own feelings and senses. But then...Why breaker of promises? As you feel love, you dont want to feel, as so many times we can`t choose what is inside heart.
-- nour --
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
love is a complicated feeling... sometimes too complicated for words...you know?
.. read morelove is a complicated feeling... sometimes too complicated for words...you know?
thank u Sugar Plum :-)
11 Years Ago
maybe I know sometimes .. :) thank u too! I would like to read more
men act all tough half the time so your sincerity, angst, misery is refreshing, heartfelt and touching....you've used ellipsis well, gives this choking effect...I liked the writing and I can empathize with the feelings, I've been there
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
i don't act tough... I AM TOUGH! lol...jk but forreal :-)
Oh ouch! Desperation here, get up off your knees, I love ya already ;-)....seriously, this one hits a dark note and all too familiar. Good one Serenus! Shelving it right now...
A very good quick work. Nice flow of thoughts and I like the desire in the words. Love can make us come alive and die. Thank you for the outstanding poetry.
Coyote
I like the forlorn desperation in his pleading Love me.... Love Me.... Love me....Willing to have her stay even if she lies and betrays till he can stop loving her.
I think you should put the 3rd stanza before the 2nd. It would build the desperation further. In the 3rd stanza there is hope in his reminiscence that would tee up the 2nd stanza better.
Then the end of the 4th I think could be tightened up so that the pace quickens as his desperation grows. Something like
Take your stake from my heart
hold me while I bleed.
The final stanza is actually my favorite and drives the idea home for me. But the sing your goodbyes still felt too sweet or something. Perhaps something like...
Love me
…or lie to me
Just keep you goodbyes from me
Until the love I have for you
Slowly
Completely
Dies in me
Just some thoughts But I really really liked this piece.
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
Thank you DCT for your in depth review, i like some of your suggestions...i'll have to go back and r.. read moreThank you DCT for your in depth review, i like some of your suggestions...i'll have to go back and rework somethings on this
I am glad it wasn't too much. Don't want to put words in another poets mouth. ;) Especially when the.. read moreI am glad it wasn't too much. Don't want to put words in another poets mouth. ;) Especially when their own are so terrific.
11 Years Ago
i can handle constructive criticism, it can only make me a better writer (when valid)
<.. read morei can handle constructive criticism, it can only make me a better writer (when valid)
Sounds like the sentiments of one who is infatuated with someone who doesn't feel the same about them. A grown man on his knees is indeed pathetic, unless he's praying to Yahweh.
Hi there, I love the structure and appreciate the content and tone, I do not think that this poem requires a rewrite personally, I feel that this is a very competent piece, well done
Posted 11 Years Ago
1 of 1 people found this review constructive.
11 Years Ago
thanx, Ive tweaked this piece a few times already, so its pretty much done
SingerSongwriterSexSymbol ;-)
CreativeCreatureTrappedInACubicle...
in desperate need of an outlet
...Review My Work And I Will Return The Favor!!!....THANX :-)
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