Chapter Twelve

The break down.

Thursday March 18, 2010

“What's wrong with these people? They told me they didn't get the signed agreement for the trial mod, but I sent it to them!” Jack Mancuso groaned. David could hear him hitting something with his fist over the phone. “Now they're saying they don't have my address and correct phone number, which I gave them. I’ve told them a million times how to reach me,!!”

“Sometimes these mortgage lenders don’t have everything together,” David had told him in a calm voice. “I’ve heard of misplaced address, wrong faxes, wrong information, but that’s why we have your records on file. Let me handle this and I'll call you back in ten.”

Jack agreed and David made a call to the lender, re-sent Jack’s official contact information and double-checked to make sure they had received their copy of the loan modification agreement. When David called him back, Jack expressed his concern about keeping the house.

“I made my first payment on time, and I attend to do the same with this one in a couple of days,” he told David. “I want everything to be perfect.”

“You’re doing just fine. ,” David told him.

“I know, I know, I'm just a little bit uptight about things �" we might be going through another wave of layoffs.”

“You’re kidding. Again?”

“I heard some pink slips are going out in mid-April.” Jack paused and then chuckled. “But I survived the first one. I’ll make it through this one, right?”

“Just stay positive,” David told him. “Listen, I’m praying for you. You’ll make it through.”

“Thanks man, you’ve been helping me more in so many ways.”

“Anytime man.”

He liked helping Jack. He saw how much the man loved his family, and how hi-strung he was because of it.

As for Nick? He disappeared for a few days and changed his number again.

That evening David fought through traffic to see Stella again.

“She’s been speaking to us more,” Carla told him. “But she still goes out or shuts herself up in her room. Sometimes, she acts like she doesn’t want anything to do with us, but then at other times it’s like she doesn’t want us to leave.” Carla paused. “When the incident happened, we got some Christian counseling through our church.”

“Right, you mentioned it before.”

“The first time was May 2009, but she stopped going. Then we convinced her to return a few months later. But she walked out of that session and didn’t come home that night. When she did come in the next morning, she was plastered. That was the first time she started drinking.”

“So, until November, she’d just been isolating herself?”

“Yes...She had dropped out of school first,” Carla shook her head, then added. “I know why she started drinking. I arranged for her to go back in November around the shooting anniversary.”

“I remember, November 13, 2008.”

Carla nodded. “Yeah.” She looked down. “November 13.” she squeezed her eyes shut momentarily. “To go shooting people two weeks before Thanksgiving. They say he felt invisible, hated his grades….” she sighed. “I scheduled it for the 11th �" but by then she was already in angst about it. November 13 is so hard for her. Maybe it’s the same with you? December 26 has to be hard. Anyway, I just pushed her into drinking instead.” She sniffed back a tear . “I’m sorry, I can’t believe I'm going on like this.”

“No, don’t worry about it.”

“How do you guys handle December 26?”

“We have Christmas Dinner and Remembrance,” David told her hestitantly. “Our relatives try to gather for the holidays when they can. We’ve got cousins in southern California who drive up and my Mom loves to cook. She and her sisters get together and put on a Christmas dinner, and then we have a memorial-like ceremony for Robert �" my uncle who died in it,” He paused. “We even go to the beach and light candles in the sand.”

Carla’s eyes grew misty. “That’s so beautiful, and sad. I read somewhere that in Thailand they light floating candle lanterns every year. Some even decorate the beach with flowers.”

“Janet, my aunt, still has good friends living in Bangkok and they sent her some floating lanterns one Christmas,” David said. “It’s a way of sharing with others what Robert loved �"Thailand and the Asian culture.”

Carla smiled. “What about emotionally, David? How do you and your brother handle the anniversary?”

“We....” David looked away for the moment and then returned his gaze. “We get by.”

She studied him. “Have you ever returned to Thailand for the anniversary?”

“No,” David told her sharply. Carla sat back, slightly stunned by his harsh response. But she quickly changed the subject. “You know her birthday coming up May 14.”

“Yyou have any plans?”

“Maybe get her car fixed.” Carla muttered as David heard their front door open.

“What happened?”

Carla now looked up and over at Max, who just walked in. He kissed his wife on the lips and then stretched out his hand to David. He regarded them both in silence for a minute and then said,

“I’ll get Stella.”

“Stella crashed her car, put a large dent in it. She crashed it into a pole. Thankfully, she was wearing a seatbelt, and the car needs fixing but it’s still drivable. The point is, it could have been worse. She could have been killed or arrested. She was drinking.” Carla threw up her hands just as Max returned to the room.

“Baby, she’s coming along. She just had a setback.” Max placed a consoling hand on his wife’s shoulder. “We just have to keep praying for her.”

“What happened?”

Max looked at David. “I don't know what set it off, but I think had to do with the phone call we received from the mother of Tracy Reynolds. She overheard us talking to her the other night and Stella took off. Next thing I know, she’s calling us at 3 a.m. because she crashed into a pole.”

David nodded. Max put his arm around his wife’s shoulder and hugged her.

“It hasn’t been easy for us. We just want our daughter back.”

“How would you want her back?”

The two looked at each other. ”I used to think that I wanted her old self back: spunky, happy, loving life, just full of energy and ambition in her decision to pursue psychology…” Carla paused. “She loved God’s Word, working with abused women, Steve Arterburn. She wanted to be just like him, combining her faith with psychology. Anyway, I just want her. I don’t want her achievement. I don’t care what she’s done, I don’t care about her drinking. I just want her.”

Carla looked at him and then Stella walked into the living room. She glanced quickly at her parents.

“Hey what’s up? .”

Max went over and kissed his daughter on the forehead. He looked at Carla and David. ”I have to get back to work. I just came in to get something.”

“I'm working on an escrow �" I’ll be in the office,” said Carla. She got up, hugged Stella and walked into the office.

Now they stood in the living room alone.

“Wanna grab a Starbucks?” he asked.

“I’m not going back to that same one.” She paused and then headed for the kitchen. David followed her. When they entered the kitchen Stella turned to him, “So my parents told you what I wanted to do with psychology.”

David pointed at her, “You were listening to us?”

She looked at him now, leaning against the kitchen counter next to a bowl of fruit.

. “I looked up stuff on the Internet about the Indonesian tsunami. I remember how awful it was…all those countries affected, all those families swept out to sea.” She cocked her head. “You were in Phuket, so that means you were specifically in Khao Lak? Patong? The Phi Phi islands?”

“Patong Beach �" in that area.”

“What’s it like over there?”

“Don’t change the subject. I asked you something.”

She glared at him. “Fine. Maybe I was listening.”

David shook his head and stifled a laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s just that you act like a witch and it’s all a front.”

“A witch?”

“You really care about your family. You just don’t want people to think you do.”

She stared at the bowl of fruit. “I didn’t know they felt that way.”

“They do. And they love you.”

She said nothing more but instead looked at him directly.

“How long were you in Phuket before it happened?”

David sat down on the kitchen stool and stared at her sharply. “I'm here to talk about you, not me. You don’t want to face what happened and deal with it.”

She laughed sarcastically. “How dare you.”

“It’s true, Stella. Look at yourself.”

She peered at him, but said nothing. Then she sat down on the stool next to his.

“You’re right.” She muttered.

“You hate admitting I’m right?”

“Maybe.” She mumbled. “But you’re no different.”

“What are you talking about?”

She just looked at him. “Tell me why you were in Phuket.”

“You know why �" it's in the book.”

“I want to hear it from you.”

David sighed. “My aunt and uncle lived in Bangkok. My brother and I were there as a Christmas gift from them and my parents.”

She glanced up at him now, her look softened. “Thailand’s a beautiful place.”

“It's...paradise.” David nodded. “Real green, hot. Beautiful sandy beaches, beautiful culture. Bangkok has its issues, prostitution and trafficking mostly, but the Thai people would give their right arm for you…” He paused, thinking of his rescuers briefly, before continuing. “We’d been in Bangkok for a few days, but my aunt and uncle wanted to treat us to something extra special during our stay. Phuket was it. A hotel near the waterfront. Two hotel rooms. One for them, one for me and Nick.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Nick? That’s your brother’s name?”

“Yeah. Nicolas.” It occurred to David he hadn’t mentioned his name before. “He’s twenty-nine.”

Stella looked away, deep in thought.

“Do you know him?” he leaned forward.

“I don’t know…” She seemed to be going over something in her mind.

“Do you know him?” he repeated.

“I don’t know.” She looked down again

“My turn. Tell me a little bit about Tracy.”

“Fair enough,” she muttered. “I met Tracy in late 2006, early 2007. He was acting like a fool, but he was cute,“ she chuckled. “He was smart, no joke. I actually had this killer math class. I barely passed it, but he totally got straight A’s.”

“Cool,” David grinned. “I admit, I’m good at math, too.”

“You work for a credit union right? You have to be good at math to work there,” She couldn’t help but grin. “I can barely add two plus two.”

David chuckled. “Was that his major?”

“He wanted to be an engineer.” She paused. “We went to a couple of parties together, and he drank, but I wouldn’t. I was being a good Christian.” She put up her fingers to mimic quotation marks. “I mean,” she stopped and grew serious. “I really was. I knew how to still have fun and not cross the line.” She paused. “He knew about my Christian faith, and you know, he would respect me at parties. He once defended me when someone tried to hit on me. He told me how he kept hearing about God and getting right with Jesus through his mom and his family. But he was like, ‘Whatever,’ you know.” She leaned against the counter now. “A few weeks before --” she breathed out deeply, “around Halloween, maybe a week or so before Halloween, one of his friends got shot at a party in Oakland, and Tracy wasn’t really the same, you know. Being a psych major, I figured out he was grieving. But he would talk about life being short and he even asked me what….” She trailed off.

“Asked what?” David asked.

“He asked me what God thought of him.” She chuckled. “And then before I could answer, he just moved onto something else. I think he came this close to…” she stopped again.

“To what?” he urged.

“He came this close to…” she squeezed her eyes shut. “To giving himself to God.”

“Really?” he moved closer to her. She didn’t respond, but looked down quietly. Tentatively, he asked, “What happened on that day?”

She bit her lip and then she turned to him angrily. “Stop it.” She pushed herself off the counter, headed for the refrigerator, opened the door, and slammed it to face him. “You know, I think you should leave. Now.”

David stood up. “Look, you gotta talk about this. You can’t keep denying it �" “ he stared at her squarely. “And your attitude’s not helping you.”

He zipped up his jacket and turned to the kitchen door when he heard her whimper. He turned back. She was leaning against the refrigerator, wiping her eyes.

“I shouldn’t have pressed you like that �"“ he began, only to notice her mind seemed to be somewhere else. She stared at the kitchen drawer to he side.

“Stella?”

She suddenly yanked it open and pulled out a cutting knife.

“What are�"“

She looked at the knife and gripped it tightly.

David jumped over and snatched the knife from her, causing her to stumble backwards.

“What the heck are you doing?” she yelled.

“What are you doing?!” he yelled back.

“Give me that!” she yelled, grabbing the knife from him.

David heard footsteps and Carla appeared in the kitchen doorway.

“What’s going on? David? Stella?”

Carla rushed in now and over to Stella, who just pushed her away.

“What are you �"“

“It should have been me, mom, not him! It should have been me!” she wailed, clutching the knife.

“No! It shouldn't have been you.” Carla grabbed the knife and tossed it on the counter, taking Stella by the shoulders. “It should not have been you!”

“Then tell me why God took him away!” Stella pushed her mother again, though she did this gently. “Tell me why God allowed me to go through this. Tell me how good God is!”

Stella looked at both of them and then stormed out of the kitchen. They heard the front door open and slam shut.

“Oh no, oh my goodness --” Carla moaned, she grabbed the phone.

“I’ll go after her,” David said. “Hold on.”

He ran out of the house. Soon, he was in the car, driving down the street in search of her.

He found her walking down a side street. She threw a look at him as he pulled the car to the curb.

“Stella?” he called out of his car. “Where do you think you’re going?!”

She kept walking.

He threw the car in park, turned it off and jumped out. He ran up and got up beside her. “Stop this!”

“Shut up,” she told him flatly.

“You’d better not hurt yourself �"“ he threatened, voice raised.

She whirled to him. “I wasn't going to do anything! And why do you care?”

Now she tried to shove past him, but he blocked her. “Stella, what did you mean it should have been you?”

She pushed past him and continued walking, shielding her face as she went by.

She was crying.

“Stella �" “ David yelled. “Will you please just stop, for crying out loud?”

Stella walked a few more steps, but then she stopped.

Now he walked up to her. “What did you mean by that, Stella?”

She faced him,k her face streaked with tears. “The bullet was meant for me, OK?! Tracy pushed me out of the way and he got shot instead!”

Her words stunned him and struggled for the right words.

“Oh Stella...it should not have been you.,” he looked at her now. “Please talk to me.”

“Why should I?” she asked curtly. “What good does it do? It’s not going to bring him back!”

“I �"I know it’s not �"“

“Get out of here �"“ she told him with anger and slight resignation.

‘No, I’m not going anywhere,” he informed her. “You’re stubborn, but you’re not chasing me or your parents away, or God. He cares for you.” “

Stella shook her head and laughed. “Yeah, God cares for me!” Now she turned from him, her head bowed. “I hate you,” she mumbled.

“Fine, hate me if you want…” David began feeling the pinch of the words.

She turned to him quickly. “I wasn’t talking to you.” She corrected him firmly.

David fell silent. Not him? Then who?

“You hate God,” he realized.

“That’s right I’m sinning!”

“Look, if you hate Him, tell Him!” David interrupted her loudly, arms raised. She stared at him. He spoke more softly. “You’re talking to Him, that’s all that matters, right? Tell Him. He already knows.”

She studied him.

“Don’t look at me �" I’m not here,” David told her.

Stella stared at him, mute. And then she turned on her heal and ran away, disappearing around the corner.

David stood there, flabbergasted.

But then he followed her.

They were around the corner from a park. Not a big one, but still luscious green. By now it had gotten dark, so there wasn’t anyone there. David could make her out in the dimming light, from behind. She stood by a tree, and she spoke between sobs.

“You took Tracy away.”

He walked up closer quietly, now a mere 20 feet away.

She spoke to God.

“You never gave him a chance, he was this close to accepting You and You never gave him a freaking chance!” she hissed at the sky through gritted teeth. “You won’t let me forget! I can’t stop seeing the gun! I can’t stop feeling it against my head! I can’t stop him from dying in front of me!” she peered at the sky and David clutched his stomach, thinking --

“I hate You!” she shrieked so loud that he jumped. “I HATE YOU!” Her words dripped with anger and hurt. She began sobbing. “I listen to all these sermons about You,” she hiccoughed between tears. “You’re suppose to be safe, Jesus. You’re not safe,” she looked at the sky sternly and rocked back and forth on her feet. “You didn’t protect me from Jared, didn’t protect Tracy!” she fell to her knees in racking sobs.

David watched, silent.

Now Stella looked at the sky again.

“You make me hurt!” she screamed this with outstretched fists. “You hurt me! You hurt meee!” she began to sob uncontrollably. “I hate You! I hate You!”

Stella kneeled and lowered her body over her knees, her face to the ground. “I hate You …” this came out muffled, but now she curled in a ball and sobbed on the grass. He stood there, frozen, not comfortable about seeing her in this vulnerable moment, not sure what make of this. He wanted to hold her and comfort her.

No…I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t.

It’s too much.

Now she leaned against the tree and curled her legs up to her chest. She sobbed into her knees and remained against the tree for a while.

He stepped away silently, careful not to make a lot of noise to distract her. He walked back silently, slightly backward, until he was far enough. Then he ran back to his car and got in, shutting the door.

He thought. I didn’t expect that. He wished he could hold her. He wished he could bring Tracy back to life, and even more so, Robert.

He thought about Nick.

Her grief chilled his skin, and it traveled into his bones like a nerving drill. He shook with it and he buried his head in his hands. Goodness, why did that she have to go through that awful shooting? Couldn’t God see her anguish? Did He even care? How could God allow something to happen to this woman who loved Him? No wonder she acted like a witch. At least she dared to confront God about His double-sidedness �" love on one side and pain on the other. He couldn't even be honest himself.

He couldn't think about this anymore �" he had to switch to something else.

Something knocked on his passenger door and David sat up to turn around.

Stella. She had puffy eyes and grass trimmings covered her sweater.

David opened the door for her and she got in. She didn’t say anything, and she looked warn out. He took her home and stopped the car.

He looked at her. “Did �" did you want to talk?”

She looked up at him and after a moment she shook her head no. She started say something to him, but stopped and turned toward her house. Carla appeared in the doorway and Stella got out of the car, shutting the door. David followed.

Stella barely took a few steps when Carla grabbed her and hugged her.

“David thank you!” she cried.

“Can I call you in a few days?” David asked Stella as Carla continued hugging her and Max came out of the house. He also wrapped his arms around Stella. David just stepped back.

He suddenly felt uncomfortable being there. “Uh, I have to get going,”

“Yeah, no problem,” Max said. “Thank you so much.”

David shook his hand, and Carla’s hand before returning to his car.

He drove away, the memory of Stella’s outburst to God on his mind.

Author's Note

Again, please review it, let me know what you think