Bernice the Brave

A mock epic poem

There once was a maiden so fair,

That, except for the complete lack of hair,

She had a beauty beyond all compare

And all the young men would agree,

that, except for the boil on her knee,

no maid more lovely could there be.

She lived on a farm, tending to geese,

Along with three sisters and one little niece:

The comely young maiden known as Bernice

Then one day she caught the fancy

of a young man cruelly named Nancy

and they began a romance so chancy.

Their love for each other was exceptionally strong,

and, not surprisingly, before very long

Everything for the pair went so terribly wrong.

It happened one bright, warm summer day,

A charming, young knight came for a short stay

and promptly took comely Bernice away.

Young Nancy was bitter and deeply aggrieved,

at first thinking by Bernice he'd been deceived,

but quickly decided she needed to be retrieved.

He set out the next day with his trusty old horse

And a strange aged man that only spoke Norse,

and soon they learned they took the wrong course.

They wandered for days, then found a small village.

The old Viking decided it was in need of a pillage,

And Nancy got word of a local lord's coming marriage.

The young boy was irate at that dastardly knight,

But reigned in his temper and gathered his might,

Because he had a castle to storm that very night.

Meanwhile, young Bernice, locked in her room

Had spent hours and days in misery and gloom

At the hands of the servants who worked for her groom.

She spent all of the free time she had in her days

plotting and thinking through all of the ways

That she could get herself out of this vile place.

She finally decided that she would just try to flee

With the changing of the guard at quarter to three,

And then quickly run home to her beloved Nancy.

She had saved from her meals all of her knives,

Knowing that to escape she'd have to take lives,

And hide for a bit in the castle's garden of endives.

She had this plan so precisely thought out

Complete with a mental map of her escape route,

but the arrival of Nancy she never thought about.

At ten after two he came charging from the forest

With his dying horse and strangely loyal Viking tourist,

and the two brave men set about attacking the fortress

This set poor Bernice's plans all askew.

She had to rethink what she was to do

If she were now to save these men, too.

She grabbed the knives and went to the door,

Then cried and screamed and threw herself to the floor,

But what she had to do next was what she did abhor.

A few moments passed before the door came ajar

and little old lady said, “Dear, you're acting bizarre.

Now please behave, we have invaders from afar.”

Bernice seized the moment and sprang to her feet,

she grabbed the old woman and threw her in a seat.

She checked the hall for safety, then began her retreat.

The Viking and Nancy were doing well, too

There were many guards that the young boy slew

And the Viking enjoyed running men through.

They had made it into the castle nearly unscathed

And Nancy was hopeful Bernice would be saved,

But the Viking was proving to be a little depraved.

That was when things started heading downhill,

Poor Nancy was tiring and slowing on the kill

And even the old Norseman was losing the thrill.

A sudden influx of guards had the two cornered.

Nancy's hopes were now dashed as he surrendered

Before the arrival of the maid-stealing lord.

The evil lord laughed as he said, “My dear boy,

My wedding today will bring me such joy,

But your meddling persistence will only annoy.”

He turned to his men and added, “Tonight I wed,

And before that happens these two better be dead.

Now take them away, but bring me the boy's head.”

The guards started to take the two heroes outside,

When two of the guards fell with knives in their side.

The lord looked to the door to see his soon-to-be bride.

A knife in each hand, Bernice glared at the knight

In such an angry way that he quickly learned fright

and ordered the release of the men before taking flight.

Bernice the Brave, as she later was known,

Led Nancy and the Viking safely back home,

And was a hero to all long after her children had grown.

Bernice's daughters went on to do great feats of glory,

Some of them romantic and the others quite gory,

But those are adventures to be told in another story.