Throwing Up Twilight~ (from the Politically Incorrect Parenting 102 Series) =P

~a reviewfrom someone with a very low stupidity threshold~

On a nightmare day in January, five of my 12 year old daughter's friends voted me the lucky mom to ferry them off to their pick of the movie of the month, which was, alas to be TWILIGHT. 

Up to that time I had mercifully been subjected to only a thousand Twilight references by the club of 12 year old chickadees drooling over the lead vampire, whatizname.

And so on that rainy January Saturday I bravely drove six girls possessed by the hormone fairy to the cinema.

Alas, two of the girls were at it before we hit Route 38, bitching about some boy in 7th grade and which one of them put dibs on him first.  The other four snickered, as wonderful friends are wont to do, anticipating hair pulling and biting to commence.

"Hey, cut it out back there." spoke I authoritatively, to which my 12 year old replied,

"Let them work it out, isn't that what you always tell me?  Conflict resolution skills have to be acquired, and so I quote."

I really don't like being around 12 year old girls.

Fifteen minutes later we made it to the cinema and upon entering the parking lot, the two girls suddenly forgot about the real boy and began to obsess over whatizname with the sharp teeth.

Since I had Fandangoed tickets, the journey through the lobby should have been simple, but alas, the candy counter beckoned and the processed butter to be lavished over plastic popcorn filled the air with nausea inducing aromas.

SO there I stood, holding six puffy winter coats, an assortment of scarves and hats and gloves, while the girls discussed the nutritional value of Raisinets and how many they could eat before putting on a pound. 

Meanwhile, this goth child who couldn't have been more than seventeen years old, with jet black hair over his eyes, and sporting a dog collar, was eyeing me up and down as if I were a piece of steak.  I shuffled my feet as he edged closer to the condiment stand where I tried to hide from a shrieking assortment of adolescent girls enveloping the inside of the cinema like the blob, but alas, it was some demented fate that brought this child face to face with me as he reached for straws.

"Wow, you're really pale, like you have no pigment or anything.  That's cool." the goth child uttered these words of observational wisdom, and just when I thought my nightmare of being hit on by a kid younger than my oldest daughter was over, he goes "You got a boyfriend?"

EYUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU, just eyu!

But then *insert the sound of savior horns here* my daughter thrust her face between myself and the kid and went , "Eyuuuu, you are so gross, that's my mom and she's 43, eyuuuuuuu."  while all her friends made gagging noises.

The boy with the eyeliner and doggie collar kind of sort of blanched even whiter than the makeup he wore and slunk off, beaten by 12 year old sass.

Gee, I felt wonderful.

"I can't leave you alone for a minute can I?" daughter frowned as she thrust a popcorn and a soda at me.

"That was gross." said one of her friends.

"They do it all the time.  Until I tell them she's not as young as she looks."

Ahhhh, reproduction is such a crapshoot.

And then, overburdened with winter wear, buttery popcorn and soda, off we waltzed into the depths of the theater filled with at least a hundred giggling girls and a handful of parents on Xanax.

Of the movie, the best parts were the 15 minutes of trailers and commercials before the regurgitative movie began.

I sat mesmerized by the inanity of the flick as the girls around me swooned and commented on every freaking detail of whatziname's physical appearance.

And, mesmerized in an acid reflux kind of way, I ate stale popcorn drenched in fake butter and drank down a large coke before I knew what had happened.

The rest of the time I spent trying not to regurgitate the popcorn as I watched one of the stupidest movies I've ever been subjected to since reproducing and being hauled off to inane cinematic nightmares against my will by rambunctious evil children.

"What's the matter?" my daughter asked as she took a momentary break from gushing over whatizname made of diamonds or whatever as he was getting busy biting Bella after the bad vampires really  made a mess of things and like broke everything, including her.

"I think I'm going to vomit up my small intestine."

She looked at me and shook her head, "You are so dramatic.  Why you complaining?  You got the old vampire dad to drool over."

"Excuse me." I said and tumbled out of the theater to hide in the toilet for the following ten minutes.

 

When I returned to hell, the credits were rolling and I suddenly felt the dark miasma of preteen hormones lifting.

And the girls chattered and chattered all the way home and the two girls fighting over the boy resumed their fighting, and my daughter insisted we stop at Target for the third Twilight installment, and then the day was over, and I made it (with these girls who do not know the benefits of shutting up for a moment) without having to be institutionalized.

And there in a nutshell is my review.

I take offence at the supposition that vampires are made of diamonds and look like whatizname.

And as a post note to this whole Twilight craziness, as my daughter was devouring the third or fourth book in the series, she came running into the kitchen one day where I was preparing my vegan lasagna and goes, "BELLA'S PREGNANT!"

WTF?! =o

"And how pray tell could she possibly get knocked up by something that is technically dead and should not be able to produce body fluids, LET ALONE SPERM!?"

"Eyuuu." said the kid instead of having a intellectual discussion, "You're so gross." and then she looked upon my vegan fare which she used to love and said, "Can you make me steak instead?"

I hate Twilight, give me good old NOSFERATU with the long face and creepy body any day over this fluff.  Give me Frank Langella and Brad Pitt and Bela Lugosi and Udo Kier ANY freaking day over these new century vampires.

To sum it all up at a 12 year old level of intelligence; GROSS.

 

AND still they actually tried to con me into seeing 17AGAIN last week.  I passed and gave the mother who took them my Valium, whispering, "You'll need these, serious."

 

 

copyright:2010vssmd/pa inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

 

 

 

excerpt from

Author's Note

~this nightmare occured when the *gag* movie first came out two years ago~needless to say~ NEVER went there again~ =P *ack*

Reviews

[Brad]

for some reason i, the dad...not the freakin mother, got dragged to the HELLfest the last 3 times...i swear to gad i'm gonna have an anuerysm before this Breakin Dawn things happens. the way i summed up the toilight series was this:

twitlight: oh, edward, oh edward!
new moon: f-u bella!
oh jake, oh jake, oh...s**t you're a wolf?
eclipse: sorry, bella i'm a jerk
oh, edward oh, edward
hey, waht about me?
oh jake, oh jake you're so warm jake
what about me with the spray painted abs?
oh edward oh edward....
you b***h, i oughta wolf out and eat the both of you....
(annoying thing about this movie? my daughter kept correcting me by saying, "dad, it's eh-clipse not ee-clipse...and her friends kept saying, you're dad looks like jacob black...sigh)

[gaurav roy]

This is a legendary writing of yours.Twilight ..........alas! what should I say.!! People who invest in such movie should rather do some charity work, at least it will buy them KARMA, and hence they will attain NIRVANA, which I am sure they will not attain after watching Twilight.In my college, we call Twilight, as Tube-light, as the movie consists of people who only shine exoskeleton wise.On a serious note, movies are supposed to buy you a new perspective to life, it should strike a new chord into your personality, it should bring joy , hope , inspiration, tears , fear and many other untold feelings and Twilight does not fit in any of these categories.
p.s- I know you have received many reviews, hope you like this.*smiling*
you are getting a 100.

[Geralyn Miller]

Poor Selene, Twilight, how hideous. You have my sympathy. I refuse to watch the movies, I read the first book, it would gag a maggot. Replusive.
The lovely thing about being a mama only to dogs--no yucky movies! LOL
Actually, your daughter seems like she is smart and independent, looks like you did a good job. Just remember, she will outgrow Twilight and move on to real boys. (Wait, is that better or worse?)

[Champagne]

Such a hilarious and lucid piece of writing. I enjoyed the humor as much as the story.

[A.E. Reed]

Lol, me, being a girl, surrounded by the love for this character is confusing as well. I remember when everybody loved Twilight (now it's Justin Bieber or whatever). There was no where you could go with hearing about it. And when my friend dragged me to the movies to see the 2nd movie I almost fell asleep (and I wish I did).

I was laughing throughout the whole story/review thing. Good job. XD

[EverEmma]

OMG Its my best friend 2 years ago!! She was twelve and crazy in that exact same way. She layed on the road and said she was waiting for whatizname to come and save her. That lasted for about 30 seconds until a car turned onto the street. Needless to say she jumped up and ran away screaming like...like...like a twelve year old girl. This piece is completely true and completely hilarious.

Wonderful Selene.

Emma




Oh yea, I gave you a 100! :D

[C]

LOL, I had to do something similar years ago......TWICE.......only the horrors were the Hannah Montana movie and one very loud incredibly barf-inducing Jonas Bros. concert.......which only served to cement my feelings against Disney and its soul-sucking coma-inducing celebration of mediocrity. I feel your pain.

And anyone who's ever watched Buffy knows vampires only sparkle when they're on fire. :-)

[Crazy Cat Man]

this is a cute and funny story........at least you wrote a funny story out of the experience. Twilight is gag...... its just little girls obsessing over looks...... but u know u love your daughter and her crazy lil friends......its life :) funny story

[Alicante lullaby]

i was the unlucky sister who was forced to take my 11 yrs old brother and his ''ice-cream date'' because her parents refused to let her go without any adult guidance...
Anyhow,half the way i'm sure little devil must have been pissed out seeing his ''icecream date'' taking more interest in the 17 yrs old hunded of yrs old vampire...i completely agree,it was nauseating..

[H-Jonesy]

This sounds terrible.
I am lucky enough to have not been forced to see any of the Twilight movies with my (over crazzed) sister of 8 by forcing my dad to go with her. Mwuaha
After he came home, patted me on the shoulder and said, "I finally understand."