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For all of my twenty-three years here on Earth, I have never had a strong extrinsic religious influence; I'm not even really sure how I learned about God, Jesus, or any other sort of theological components or systems. I do remember as a young child, only one experience of church, and that was with my brother's erm...caretakers (for the lack of a better word). After that life was completely void of any sort of environmental imagery or information of God.

I do remember how as a child, I would always pray to God before I fell asleep, EVERY NIGHT. And my prayers would always be ten or fifteen minutes long as I would have to thank God for everything that happened that day, each and everyone of my family members (and ask Him to let them know I love them and to forgive them for their sins and guide them to right), thank God for each and everyone of my ten or so "special" toys (like Brenda the doll (named after Brenda from 90210), Niki the troll who had lost all his blue hair because I had rubbed it all away as I made all my wishes, my little yellow rabbit that I stole from my sister, ect...) and for God to let all of them know how much I loved them because they were my "special" toys and that meant they were alive. Then I would ask God to forgive me for all my sins that I had comitted throughout the day and to guide me to righteousness; I would tell Him thank you for making Jesus and to let Jesus know that I love him too and appreciate that he died on the cross for our sins. To finish it all up, I would give all of my special toys and my family a kiss in my head, then I would kiss Jesus, and lastly, I would kiss God and tell Him that I loved him most of all.

So, I didn't go back to church until I was a freshman in high school. That year, I of my own desire, along with my brother, sister, step-sister, and several friends, began attending the Wednesday youth service held at a local church; I will not name the church or their religious affiliation, but I am sure that if any of you know anything about secularism, then you should be able to conclude for yourself.

At this church, I experienced many great times. I made new friends, I spent extra time with my family, I got to hang-out with my extra hot boyfriend, I went to parties, and I met some really wonderful people. Notice the trend? Never once during my experience with this church did I ever feel that I was growing closer to God, in fact, I felt myself being driven away. I learned that it was either their (the church's) way or the sinner's way. Here evolved my first major conflict with God, How could God create some many different people, not only different in culture, but different in worship, even within the confines of Christianity, only to be condemned to an eternity of suffering if they did not change their heathen ways? Why did God make everyone different only to become the same? This problem only exploded when another close relative of mine (that we shall call Joy) came to church with us one night. Unlike me, Joy expressed to the youth pastor her issues with this belief system and thus he took her the the minister of the church. Joy asked many questions, only to be greeted with exasperation and contempt. Needless to say, she never came back, and I believe that the minister was probably glad of it.

Some time after the incident with Joy, I had my own confrontation with the church. One of the youth pastors assembled all the adolescents into the main hall of the church and went down the list, assessing who had been baptized and who had not. Of those that had yet to be baptized, he asked if they would like to become so. When he got to me, he asked and to him I replied that I did not feel that I was ready for that step yet. He looked at me for a moment, and then went on down the list. My brother and stepsister told him the same and then, when done, he addressed the crowd, "Those of you who have chosen not to get baptized, are walking with the devil." Frankly, this scared the s**t out of me, but more importantly, it pissed me off big time. I decided that congregational belief systems were not for me. I found that for people who preach forgiveness and no judgment, they sure were unforgiving and judgmental. How could I learn about God and believe these people, who did not even believe in themselves, or the God they "worshiped?"

For the next few years I cultivated my own personal relationship with God. I felt that God did not want us to fear him, he wanted our love; he did not wish for us to live by all these strict rules for fear of Hell, but rather to enjoy the blessing he gave unto us all, life and free will. For me, God valued most not our adherence, but rather our compassion, love, and forgiveness of each other, and our zest for life. To praise God, I felt that I had to live my life full of compassion and love for everyone, and forgive all that wronged me, my family or friends, or anyone/thing else no matter what they did wrong. To praise God, I had to live, not only thrive; I had to enjoy life to its fullest potential, I had to make it to its fullest potential. No one else, not even God was going to do that without me taking the steps to get there.

I also believed that defining God was not as important as actuating. To God, it was more important for me to live with conviction, rather than only reading scripture, doing what I was told, or trying to describe/define God. Thus, it seemed natural that as long as one followed their belief with a whole and joyful heart, then she was right in her conviction...sooo, in essence, there was no wrong way to believe. This brought me to the belief that whatever you believed would happen after you died, whether it be Heaven or Hell, reincarnation, or that you just became worm food, then that is what happened. God was all gods; he was different for everyone else, and he accommodated all the different beliefs because we are his and he loves us. For me at that time, there would have been no greater hell than to die and discover that what you based your whole value system, what you lived you whole life for, was wrong...talk about a slippery slope!

I fancied this belief for sometime, but I still felt incomplete. I still had questions about evil and sin, were they real? I never really bought into their existence, but why? And if every religion in the world was right, was it okay for those who believed their God wanted them to kill others who were different from them to enact this belief? How could I justify that? How could the God that I believed to be so loving and gentle justify that?

Well, time went on and I began to date this guy that I was good friends with in high school. Wow, this guy was a true DEVOTEE he seemed. I admired so greatly his strong convictions, he passion for his faith, and his dedicated involvement with his church. This one possibly my biggest draw to him. I find it so beautiful when a person is so zestful about their purpose, whether it be faith, their job, or their art, ect. To me, that person is living life.

Unfortunately for our relationship, it was slightly frowned upon by his church (as he explained it to me) for him to date someone outside of his religion. I agreed to attend his church, not only to salvage our relationship, but also so that I could understand him more, and to learn of another view of God. So I went a few times...and I learned a lot, but I never felt as though I was where I belonged; I was not enriching my personal relationship with God by attending this church and I thought this was what church was supposed to help you to do.

These people were spirited! They sang, they danced, and boy did they praise God. It was very enchanting to me.

Coinciding with this relationship and my ventures to this church, I was also struggling with a few personal strifes. I felt lost and empty. I hated myself and felt unworthy almost, to even be alive. I felt that I did not deserve God's love. This was a bad time for me. And then, it happened, and I genuinely believe that God guided me to this moment, and it changed my life.

One Sunday that I happened to join my boyfriend at his church, the sermon was about despair and self-loath. The minister preached of how God still loves you no matter what you have done, and he wants you to be close to him, but that is impossible when your heart is full of wretchedness and you can't forgive yourself. That day, for the first time, I felt that I was where I was supposed to be. God wanted me to hear what this man was saying; it was almost as if God was speaking just to me. I had such a release. I went home and I cried and cried and I asked God to forgive me for all my toils and despondency, I told him I was sorry that I did not believe enough in his faith in me and his love for me. I forgave myself for what I had done, and I began the very slow and hard healing process that I was unable to do for almost two years prior to that "divine" moment.

A few more visits to this church were all that followed. I could not bring myself to go anymore after I heard the sermon of how God used hurricane Katrina as a means to punish the people of Louisiana. I could not bring myself to swallow such a wrathful God, and so I realized that I could gain no more from attending this church as any future trips there would only be to continue the relationship with my current boyfriend and that is no reason at all to go to church; in fact, to me it seemed almost degrading to the church and its members themselves. So I stopped. And I have never been to another church since.

I do not think necessarily that congregation is a bad thing, it just is not the right thing for me...or at lease I fostered this idea for quite sometime. Nor do I dislike the people of this church and their God, he just isn't my God. He is their's and they love him.

I still felt as though I was missing something, closure perhaps. I was at a loss as to how/where to find it. I continued (almost settled really) to live by the morals and beliefs I adopted and created for myself, though they were incomplete and I was a little uneasy.

Tick tock tick tock goes the clock.
Sunrise, sunset,
morning, noon, and night goes the day.
Fall, Winter, Spring Summer goes the year.

Summer.

Summer was my faithful regeneration.

This summer, I was readmitted into UGA and I began taking classes in June. One of the classes I enrolled in was Introduction to Religious Thought. I was motivated to take the class because I needed it to fulfill a humanities requirement for my college and it seemed to be the most interesting prospect available at the time. However, my naive little mind came out with so much more that a letter grade and a completed degree requirement; I came out of this class with a new knowledge and understanding for God, and a new vigor for my relationship with God and discovering my true purpose.

In this Religion 1003 class with Mr. Downs, we studied Aristotle and Stoicism, Plato and Platonism, forms, Descartes, Mechanism, Hume, impressions, ideas, Kant, perceptions, and "Superman" himself, Nietzsche. Often times, my brain felt as though it was going to explode and I left that class with smoke reeling from my ears...so perhaps Nietzche wasn't too far off when he claimed himself to be dynamite; he, along with Kant and others, lit a stick right under my a*s.

In the beginning, we started with Genesis. You know, I can say that in Latin now: "In principio, Deus creavit et terram; et Deus creavit hominem."="In the beginning, God created heaven and earth, and God created human kind." Well, aside from all the punctuation, lowercase letters, and spaces; and I need a few macrons...but I am sure you get the idea.

Okay, so we began with Genesis and worked our way through portions of the Bible. I learned a lot.

Then we began to explore different metaphysical philosophies; I didn't even know what metaphysical meant "a priori" this class...yeah, I didn't know what that meant either. But I learned.

After Aristotle, Plato, Descartes, and Hume we at last arrived to Kant. Immanuel Kant. I think he is beautiful. He sought vindication of fundamental principals that are universally true for all people of all times, and he had faith in humans. He is a man after my own heart.

I became a sponge. I soaked up every word, every syllable that came from the professors mouth about Kant and his critiques. Though metaphysics died for Kant, I fell in love with his "transcendental judgments." Everyone shares in these judgments, and these judgments are only true in reference to experience; one can't logically explain time or space outside of his experience of time or space can he? Can you? Ultimately, our perceptions of reality is what it is because of our predispositions and experiences, and everyone experiences different things and digests these experiences in different ways, so Kant, why can't God be the same way? God isn't metaphysical; he is the world as it actually is, he is the world as we all experience it. And so, God is indeed anything and everything or nothing at all for any one and everyone!

Practical Wisdom, I don't really have a lot of that readily available...but Kant, what a sublime notion. Philosophers, is there really no final goal of human existence? Is happiness really just it? A little void for me thanks. I don't buy it. Oh Kant, you philosophical rebel you, with your Good Will, Duty, and Categorical Imperative. You must act out of respect to your inner compulsion. Well, isn't that living with conviction and isn't that what I believe God really wants from us? I also believed at the time, Kant and I were kindred spirits.

Moral Law: When your personal will submits to Moral Law, you do so because you want to.

Conditions of Moral Acts
1. One must fulfill the Categorical Imperative: Instead of, what would Jesus do, you should ask yourself, what would everyone else do? If someone killed your wife, you would hunt down that b*****d and rip out his beating bloody black heart? Would everyone do the same as you? Does that then make it right if they would?
2. One must fulfill the Law of Ends: Now kiddies, remember the Golden Rule!!! Treat everyone as you wish to be treated yourself. Don't treat people as means to ends, but as ends themselves. If everyone did this, it would pretty much be Utopia and thus, Condition numero uno wouldn't raise such questions as valid vengeance for there would be no need for revenge in the first place.
3. One must fulfill the Law of Autonomy: You are the author of your own actions. You should be your own legislature but at the same time, you should own your actions and be responsible.

Good times Kant, good times.

Then...along came Fredrick Nietzsche. Because we as a species evolve, so do our morality systems. Morality is just a product of culture. I feel you Nietzsche. And so is answered my question about the existence of evil; its just the lovechild of the repressed, the weak. Nietzsche viewed guilt as an illness, but this guilt is what keeps everything in check, sustains life. If everyone was without guilt, what would everyone be doing....Categorical Imperative? Duty?...hm...I think not.

"The weak are made to suffer what they will." So, does it make it right for the strong to prey upon them? Do we let terrorists come into our nation and kill our people? Do we become the slave or do we become the master? Do we become terrorists ourselves? How far is too far? Or is there any limit at all?

Nietzsche believed that mankind makes four errors:
1. Man always saw himself as incomplete.
2. He endowed himself with fictitious attributes.
3. He places himself in false order of rank to animals and nature.
4. He invented systems of values and takes them to be true at times.

But Nietzsche, if we take these all away, and we subtract morality, do we not void ourselves of humanity as well....if God is experience and not actual, then is he not real? And morals are products of our experiences and thus less valid if not ineffably decreed by God?

By this time, my thoughts were transformed into a whirlwind and I couldn't pluck out what was true anymore. Everything that these philosophers believed spoke to me; they related to previous beliefs that I had already adopted on my own. Yet, I didn't want to give up on God. I wanted to believe that there is something more than what me make for ourselves. I didn't want to just live to live and then just die and be dead. But does it really matter what little ol' me wants? Well, I think it does.

Chapter 15: God is Saved.

"God is that which nothing greater can be conceived."

Mr. Down became very excited as the summer semester drew to a close. It was now time to teach his students of the wonders of Process Philosophy.

In Process Philosophy, reality is the actual occasion of experience. Metaphysics does not have to be the world as we actually experience, but rather experience becomes the metaphysical rule. Everything affects everything at all times; thus, God is gently influencing us to the best end rather than omnipotently and omnisciently dictating our fates. Consequently, we can choose to follow God's influence or to ignore it. Free will. Beautiful and dangerous and why "evil" exists. However, because everything is constantly affecting everything, our actions, whether good or bad, affects everyone else, and God too.. just on different variables. For instance, on 9/11, God felt the suffering of those who died that day, and he feels the suffering of those who survived that day but are forever scarred by its devastation, however, God also felt the suffering of those who attacked us as well and those people we are now attacking who stand in our way of..."justice." Since God experiences what we experience, our experiences become part of him and thus every person's experience becomes a part of every other person's as well. It a ubiquitous cycle. If I harm you, God feels your suffering, no matter how acute or grand, and so does everyone else. If I make you happy, the same pattern follows suit.

And when you die, your life becomes a part of God's existence and you ultimately become a part of everyone's existence from then on out. Jesus is a part of me and you. So is God. Feeling elevated? You shouldn't; Jesus wasn't proud.

What beautiful poetic existence. The less you cause suffering, the better life will be for everyone.

Initially, I was quite enchanted with this Process Philosophy. But with it, I still remain unsatisfied. I am sure that one day I will discover what God really is to me, but in the mean time I plan to continue growing with compassion and forgiveness for all. I want to grow stronger, and try harder. I want my life to be a joyful one and I want to make life joyful for all those who's lives I become a part of. I want to be successful. I understand that God does not give you what you pray for but instead (and even better), he provides you with the opportunity to do it yourself. Sooo....God doesn't make me strong, he gives me the opportunity to become strong. Everything that I have went through in my life and will go through in the future are not hardships, but rather just opportunities. So, how can I be bitter about that? How can I break? How can I give up? I can't. I'll be the tree and I will bend, but I will grow and be strong and be beautiful. I will not break. And you shouldn't either....